So, one of my favourite bartenders suggested I simply forget guys, go to the beach and meditate/pray alone. This was after his suggestion that I should date someone in their early 30's which completely failed. I'm not going to lie it has been really hard getting used to being single, but at the same time I'm really enjoying not having to care for someone. I decided to take the day off work and go to the beach, starting with the outlet mall there. I haven't shopped for clothes at the mall in a long time because my new years resolution was to only shop online which I hardly did so I had a lot more money for food and going out. I got some clothes and this was also my first time shopping in the mens section not for an ex or anyone else...but for myself. You might be really confused right now but I don't want to explain. I'm not going to lie it was really weird at first I bought two shirts that I really like, along with some dresses and even necklases! I went to Goodwill after to see if I could find any bedding and I hit the jackpot. I found a full size egyptian cotton linens for $25. Those sheets are pretty expensive and it's so rare to find anything in a full size which is the size of my bed. I was pretty excited! Then I went to the beach and although it was really gloomy and foggy, it was perfect for a long jog. I jogged for quite a ways and eventually stopped to sit on a log and look at the waves. I sat and quietly prayed, it was really like nothing else. I felt so at ease as if a big weight came off my shoulders, hearing the waves crashing on the ground with no one in sight. There is a lot of stuff that I don't know about myself such as what makes me happy and how do I love myself. After that moment though I felt at peace, and it made me happy and also feel the love of Jesus in my heart.
I'm always told not to chase after anyone, but have them come to me. I feel like that's not a very efficient method though because what if I'm not %100 attracted to the person that approaches me? The reason I go after anyone is because I know I wouldn't mind a relationship with them, but then again who knows if they would want to be with me. I'm sure that's how people feel about me but I would get so much crap from them for me not wanting to be with them as if I'm obligated to. It's really annoying.
What I find to be the most painful thing for me is seeing any guy that I've had relations with in the past get married. I've longed to get married and these guys who were just tools from what I remember them as, are now happily married. That makes me feel like crap, as if I've done something wrong to not deserve a husband. It's ridiculous for me to ever think that but it's happened four times already.
I really just want this October to be a relaxing one, and get lots of sleep in.