Names Alesa.21.I speak my mind,therefore there are no boundaries.I am a distraught child,so I might offend you unknowingly.At the same time,I am very caring when I should not be.Cheers.


Military fail again

So, I couldn't believe this was happening again. During my lunch at work I dropped by my recruiters office to sign a last stack of papers before my enlistment this week. I was so excited to finally enlist! My commander was going to be at the enlistment center to welcome me, and I was just ecstatic to finally be set on having the career I want as a Airport Manager in Portland. I would only be gone for 4 months and work at the Portland base full time for another month, then go to being part-time until I'd be eligible to be full time again. I still fear boot camp and have been dreading it, but I was just so excited to finally leave Salem and have enough saved up from basic training to not move back in with my parents after I got back. The number one thing I was finally looking forward to is being with airplanes, that's all I want. At his office we were all being silly and cracking jokes and after I finished signing papers I went back to work. Not long after, my recruiter calls me to tell me bad news. Let me rewind back to my first two attempts at joining the military:
First was with the Air Force and they didn't want me to apply because 'I already had a life going for me' and that it was something more for high school drop-outs or unemployed who needed assistance with affording an education and having a career. Simple as that.
Second time was with the Army National Guard and a few days before I was suppose to enlist as an Airport Manager in Salem, they had found out that the job was actually unavailable. So that ended.
This third time, with the Air National Guard, my recruiter told me that he converted my scores from my Army NG test I took to AIR NG and it came out that I'm actually under qualified for the position I was suppose to enlist in a couple days!!!
I cried. Literally.
How and Why was this happening to me again? Why is it that every time I'm so close to getting what I had always wanted since I was a child, gets taken away just like that? I thought that the first two attempts failed because God wanted me to end up with this position in Portland, and I was absolutely thrilled by it until I find out that this has failed too. I'm just so confused. All I want is to move out of my parents' already, work with airplanes, and be more involved with my church in Portland. I was soooo close to getting all of that, so close. People tell me that there must be a reason why God is holding that back from me and keeping me stuck in Salem, but honestly there can't be any good reason for that. There is absolutely Nothing in this city for me and I don't plan on ever coming back here once I permanently leave.
All hope is not lost though, for I will be retaking the ASVAB test next week in hopes of bringing my scores up so that this position I fought so hard for will finally be mine. Until then, I have no idea what will become of me.



So, it's quite late (at least to me since I have to wake up in a few) and there's one person that I keep thinking about tonight whom I've learned quite a bit from, both good and bad.
Of course this goes back to my time in Crater Lake, I may have only been there for 3 month but it felt like an eternity with abundant amounts of memories. There was one boy whom I really liked and I'm sure I had blogged about him during my time there. Everyone looked up to him because he's worked there for many seasons including the winters. He knew how to speak to people very well, and grasping all the girls' attention. In the beginning he was nothing but a stranger who worked as a chef in the kitchen that I saw here and there. In the end he left an unusual mark on my heart.
I don't recall how we first got to talking. I mean he was very well known by everyone but you only ever saw him at work, or else he'd be locked in his room or off the mountain somewhere. What I do recall is when we first spoke, we were both really drunk. That's really all I remember, but that one night turned to many (all in which were sober nights...ok most of the nights were sober). From what I had been told, he was a Big player hitting up and sleeping with any hot or cute girl he can find working there. I didn't expect to hear from him again after our first time hanging out considering his status, but as we spoke some more he asked to hang out again. I was thinking this was going to be another game where I get used and thrown out like I never existed, but it was the complete opposite. We cuddled, had some deep conversations, watched a movie, and then he fell asleep in my arms. I cannot for the life of me fall asleep while I'm cuddling with someone. We all slept in twin size beds so there was no way I could have let him go out of my arms and either way he wasn't letting me go...I watched him sleep, his big chest rising as he would breath, stroking my fingers through his hair. We had many nights like this, where I would come, let him vent and share stories, comfort him, watch a movie, and fall asleep in each others arms. He had the most beautiful big blue eyes and a gorgeous smile. His chest and arms were big, it was so comforting to fall asleep on him. I remember the time we went to the hot springs together at night with two other friends, and going rafting the next day. He was such a pleasure to be around with.
Of course being a girl who's all mooshy gooshy about this kind of stuff, I told my co-workers about how I felt about him and that perhaps he felt the same even though he's notorious for being this so-called player. My co-workers simply said "It will never happen.Trust me.He's not that kind of guy." I felt like they were wrong, that there was no way he spent his time with a girl like that especially more than once! All of them would just sleep with each other but that's it, where as our relationship was more emotionally least so I thought. It went on for what seemed like forever, but a second could feel like forever. We didn't message each other as much as we used to, no invites to neither of our rooms, barely ever saw each other outside of work, stopped speaking to each other all together. It didn't take him long (I'd estimate a few days) for him to move on to another girl. My co-workers were right, it was never going to happen. I understand being on a mountain for only 6 months isn't worth building any serious relationship, but no matter the time or place, if you see something worth fighting for than you will. Than again, why should one continue to fight for something if that person isn't fighting back for the same thing? The day I quit I didn't bother saying goodbye to him, I was angered by the way he left me in the dumps and oddly jealous of the next girl he had under his finger tips. As the weeks had gone by though, I remembered how I learned how to be at peace with myself from him. Shocking, I know. He was a very wise boy which he probably learned from all that Dragonball-Z he watched, but it really got me thinking about things I hadn't took time to think about before. We were on the same page about a lot of things (except relationships) and that's why I appreciated him and having spent all those nights together.
There are many guys out there who have potential to get married and to be the best husband to their wife, but they simply choose not to. This is what makes me sad, because one would rather choose to sleep around, party, and make avoidable mistakes...than to find peace and settle with one lover whom they fight for and protect.
I saw A Lot of potential in him, to make a girl feel like a queen and for her to treat him like a king "until death do us apart." Of course I have no say in how one should live their life, but it still makes me sad to see when one doesn't live their life in a way that would fulfill their every need in a pure way. I pray for him, and that he will soon realize that sometimes settling isn't all that bad.


I remember when...

...I was a cocktail waitress at Crater Lake and I was serving this older couple. The guy was telling me how he worked there almost 30 years ago about my age. He said it was odd because there were a lot of older people working there now as careers, but back in his time it was a Summer job only college kids did. He told me how different things were compared to how they are now and all this other stuff he used to do there. One thing that made him tear up (I almost cried too) was "I'm not religious or anything, but I believe that God had a great time making this beautiful place." That's something I'll never forget.


So, life! 
Work is everything I imagined it to be: dull, long, and boring. Sitting on an uncomfortable chair all day looking at a computer screen repeating the same process over and over again. It's nice working with older people cause everyone is mature and what not, but I hate being the youngest one in the whole damn building. I love making old people jokes to everyone though, it's great. One day I was staring at the computer screen and actually contimplated suicide. At 21 years old I'm still full of energy and wanting to socialize like a waitress would do, but instead we do our own thing in the same little space we're given. It's tough, but the pay is nice. That's really the only thing that's motivating me to keep doing the job is the pay and the job title of State Worker at 21 years of age. I just can't wait to move out from my insanely over protective parents, and to finally be doing the job I want in the near future. 
On Friday I visited my churches youth group for the 1st time. When we were at our old church building, they had a huge youth group. Something had happened with the youth leader though so youth service ended and all the youth left to different churches. A year has passed and one of the guys in church decided to become the leader and try starting it up again, so of course there were only 10 people there and worship was very basic with just one singer and an acoustic guitar. I got pretty comfortable with everyone there quick especially since I already knew some people. One girl in particular, really fell in like with me. I introduced myself to her and it's as if I was asking her to my bff forever...which I wasn't. She grabbed and held my hand during worship, and during prayer. She followed me to get tea like she couldn't get me out of her sight. She's really nice, but it made me feel a little weird. She wouldn't even let me go when I was trying to leave to go home! I hadn't held a girls hand like that in a long time though, it felt sort of nice...
One night I was remembering Crater Lake and it made me tear up. They finally ended the season and I can't imagine how my life would have been like if I actually stayed there until the end, which is what I really wanted to do. Though, those 3 months were rough and there were a lot of love/hate relationships, I still miss it a lot. To be living with wild youthful kids my age, working as a cocktail waitress with the most beautiful view ever, being super active, it was great. Far better than being stuck in an office and looking at the ugliest capitol building in America. I just wish I could go back to it all.
Random thing but I went 4 days without makeup and got so used to being able to rub my eyes that when I wore makeup again, I kept smearing it cause I had thought I wasn't wearing any. Epic fail. 


In the shower, she feels the warm water running down her spine.
Feeling alone, the warmth of the steam makes her feel comforted as if someone was there.
Stroking her skin with eyes closed, imagining the person being there along her side.
Her mind runs wild of the thoughts of this imaginary person pushing against her.
The lustful temptation overcomes.
She awakens from her imagination, and begins to weep.
She weeps in her room, in the hallway, in the big empty house alone.
Weeping like a whale who has lost its mother.
"Forgive me Lord, for I have betrayed you!" she shouts over and over again.
Such a fool she was for not knowing that the imaginary person was a dark spirit,
that does nothing but bring you down.
She gives thanks to her Lord, because only He can bring you up every time you are knocked down.

Long weekend

So, I’ve had quite an interesting weekend. Friday was a very long day at work, my brain was becoming dysfunctional and all I needed was sleep. Unfortunately I wasn’t going to be able to take a nap because I had to go to the doctors after work, then I stopped by home and visited the big Russian baptist youth. Surprisingly it was a good sermon about Judging. Russians are notorious for judging but this sermon made quite a few things clear. The first person we should ever judge is ourselves, and that it’s impossible to not judge one another but you should do it under certain circumstances. Example: a pastor going off at a lady for who knows what reason, someone has to judge, step in, and tell the pastor "Yo, Not Cool.” You call yourself a pastor yet you’re angry and yelling at a lady. It was overall pretty good. Afterwards we went to a buddies house and had a tea party just like the night before. Thursday night though, it was just me and two other friends of mine who were at his place and our friend told me to try on his wife's wedding dress. I was so excited, I had never tried on a wedding dress before. It fit like a glove but was really heavy. Then my friend put on long hair extensions that went down to my waste. I had never looked or felt so beautiful in my life, my friends were even speechless. I was absolutely gorgeous, I almost cried as if I were really getting married. One of them put a suit on and we pretended to be a newlywed couple, it was awesome. I stared in the mirror for a long while because I wasn’t going to look like that again for another three years, where my hair will actually be down to my waste and I was actually going to be getting married. When the hair extensions, the wedding dress, and pearls came off, I was so bummed. But it made me more motivated to grow my hair out for sure, and it made me realize why a woman would want to get married. There’s really no other feeling that could compare to dressing up in a wedding gown and feeling that beautiful, with all the attention on you. 
On Saturday I slept for 12hrs and enjoyed every minute of it, but I still felt so tired. I went shopping with my dad and it felt like I had heavy weights on my eyes. Coffee quickly fixed that, but I still ended up taking a quick nap before I had to get ready for the Cali youth group. Two years ago there was a youth choir that came to visit Salem and sang at my mums church, but needed places to stay. So I took 3 boys (they had more boys than girls) and it was a blast having them sleep over. This time it was a different youth group that came and I requested 3 boys again, but I ended up with 4 girls! I was a little upset at first to be honest but got over it quick. They were all about 15 years old that were typically white chicks and were so full of energy it was crazy. I wanted boys because they are more mellow, had interesting things to talk about, actually slept at night, and only took a few minutes to get ready for church the next morning. These girls were up till 4-5am, took over an hour to get ready and they still ended up being late to their practice. That night though was just overall chaotic, me and my mum had made a lot of food (assuming we’d get boys who love to eat) so we ate right when we got to our place. One of them brought up their ultimate love for sushi, and I offered to take them all out to sushi on me. That’s when they instantly fell in love with me. Over sushi, I found how naughty these young teenage girls were. They made me seem so holy when I was 15 and yet I still got yelled at my parents for doing innocent things compared to these girls. So after sushi we went to my cousins house who had one cali guy staying with him and we all sat around the bonfire until 2:30am. That morning was quite exhausting but I had a good time mothering these girls. I’d make a really cool mum for sure, yet I still don’t ever want to be one. 


3 in 1. I cannot wait for this day.


I remember when...

...(I haven't done one of these in a long time) I was a ballerina. Yes, that is one of the things that many people actually don't know about me is that I was in fact a ballerina from I think the ages of 7-8? After school everyday, my sister and our two friends who were also very close family friends and still are, would go to the ballet studio in downtown Salem which is now just a regular dance studio I believe. Back in those days, ballet lessons were cheap and not many kids were doing it. Now it's so expensive and every mother wants their little princesses prancing around the room at a ballet. I.Hated.Ballet. I was the biggest tomboy in elementary school so going from wearing basketball shorts and sneakers all day to wearing tight leggings and what looks like a swimsuit was not my thing. I was skinny as a stick and was pretty flexible though so it actually suited me quite well. I always found ballet to be quite mysterious though? The building we were in was hundreds of years old. The floors and walls would creak, the windows were extremely aged, there were weird basements and rooms that all of us kids were frightened of. Ballet was the first type of expressive dance to be formed way back, and I always found it to be sort of a dark art? I mean you can't honestly watch someone twerking and be so emotionally attached to the beauty of it unlike ballet. It's just like that movie The Black Swan, you become the dance, and people are so drawn to its beauty. Of course there are more fun ballet shows like The Nutcracker and Peter Pan. One of the performances we did was in fact Peter Pan, and our friend was Peter because he was the only boy in our team. I know we did other shows in the Portland area but I don't remember them at all. Me and my friend who was in ballet with me visited our old ballet studio not long ago, and it brought so many memories back. I was still really spoked by the stairwell that went down to the unknown basement. Would I do ballet again? Absolutely, unfortunately I'm not as skinny or flexible anymore though so it would be a pain to start up again. I'll never forget that time though.



So, I couldn't really come up with a proper title cause I have quite a few things to share, starting off with my new job with the state. The first 3 days of 'work' we trained in a different building than the one we'll be actually working at and let me tell you, it's been really hard so far. The amount of information they gave us within these few days is beyond what we could handle. We had no choice but to absorb all the info we could and go from there. The job was not really what I had thought it would be, I figured because we we'll be in the Veteran Affairs building that we would have to work with veterans. We're actually just leasing a room inside the building but we'll be doing something totally different. My primary duty is to renew medical insurance's. No I don't entirely decide whether they're eligible or not. The upside of it though is that we don't do any human interaction except on the phone in a few weeks. The downside is the web layout we have to work with, it reminds me exactly of when I took a Travel Agent class and the program you use looks like something from the 90's. The 8a-5p schedule is definitely kind of hard to get used to but it's something I've actually always preferred. Everyone is aiming to work really hard because everyone there wants a permanent position with the State, except me. I'm not too concerned because military boot camp is right around the corner, which leads me to my next subject.
I had a phone interview with the Senior Master Sargent in Klamath Falls, OR who would be my boss if I were to be stationed at their base as an Airport Manager. He has no decision as to whether I could join their team or not, so it's technically not an interview but of 'just to get to know each other better' type of interview. I figured it'd only last 30min or so but it went on for 2hrs! He absolutely loved me and was beyond excited to have me be part of their team. I was still debating if I wanted to go through with it though, the only problem I'd have is to have to drive there once a month. They're really lenient with rescheduling you if the weather is really bad to drive in or for whatever good reason there may be, especially since I live 4hrs away. One day though, my friend who's an airport operator at PDX spoke to the Master Sargent at the Portland base and he had said that there was in fact an opening for the same position with them and that they would love to have me. I quickly contacted my recruiter about it, but he had told me that it wasn't showing as available in their system and that it must be a mistake because the Portland base hardly ever has any openings. I really had my hopes up but my recruiter made it clear that it wasn't going to happen. After a few days, I finally got a hold of the Master Sargent in PDX to ask about the position myself, and he clarified that it was available and it can be mine. He e-mailed my recruiter to tell him that he wants me and to not turn anyone else away who's interested in being stationed in Portland. A few hours later my recruiter called me and asked what the hell I did and how I found this open position in Portland because now both bases want me. I cheated their system by contacting people at the bases Myself, proving to them that I would be honored to work for them, rather than trusting my recruiter, that's what I did. He applauded me, and forward my processing papers to Portland instead of Klamath Falls now. PRAISE JESUS!!
On Friday we met up with our small group at church for our last day of our 30 Day Bible challenge. We decided to do it in the sanctuary rather than the small room we've always been in. The pastor spoke and than one of the deacons spoke, and they anointed and prayed for each one of us. I hadn't been anointed since I was 13, and it definitely brought tears in my eyes. It's such a powerful feeling, it feels like blood is quickly rushing down your body. After they prayed for each one of us, the deacon would take a moment to tell us what he had seen as he prayed for us. What he told me really struck me and wasn't exactly what I'd like to hear, but I surely believed it. He said as he was praying for me, he saw a mountain where Jesus was on top, but I was halfway up and was really struggling and tempted to give up. This was true, but it's now made me more motivated to seek guidance and courage to get to the top. It already hasn't been easy, I've already failed multiple times, but I still have a much stronger understanding on where I'm at and how to move forward.
Last but not least, there's a boy...this is where all my female/family readers go "OOoOoOooOOOo!" but that's really all I'm going to say is that, there's a boy, who's so handsome, so kind, so caring, so inspirational, so good, so smart, so adoring, so out of my league. I love that we're friends, I love that we could relate on so many things, and I love his heart.
Ok I think that is beyond enough.


"Everybody also thought I was cute, which I am still right now."

So, my friend sent me this from 5th grade. I died.


Oregon International Airshow 2014

So, last year I went to the Oregon International Airshow for the first time and I hate myself for not having gone way before. It was so awesome and me and my friend wanted to make it a tradition to go every year together, but year 2 and he wasn't able to make it already. I decided to go by myself which was perfectly fine by me but at the same time I wish I had someone come along. Last year I went to their Friday night show which was amazing, this year I went to their Saturday morning show which was just ugh. I came right as they opened and laid my blanket down to save a spot right along the fence closest to the runway. I wanted to get a VIP seat like I did last year but since I was alone I figured I'd save the money instead. First I walked by all the booths and I stopped by the Alaska Airlines booth hoping I'd win that silly inflatable hat, but once again I lost and got a snack instead. The airshow is all about the military so there were a ton of big booths of every military related thing there is. I went to check out the Air Guard Booth and what do you know, the young volunteers working at it were the funniest Russians I met. They have you go through these silly interactive games and we were just making fun of everything, at a moment I felt like I was signing up for the Russian Military by how one of the guys was ordering me around. I then spotted a blood donation bus and thought why not give it a try and to my surprise, my iron was finally at a normal level so I got to donate! I got some food and laid at my blanket until the show had begun. There was this popular aerobatic performer who's sponsored by the Air Guard walking around taking pictures with kids. He was walking on the other side of the fence, and at one point he stopped right next to me, looked at me, and climbed over. Confused I said "Hi, did you climb over so we could take a selfie?" He was surprised and said "Sure thing!" After a few snaps, I told him that I'd be enlisting in the Air Guard soon. He was surprised and asked where I'd be based at, I said Klamath Falls and he was even more surprised because that's where he was a long time ago. He invited me back to the booth after the show just to hang out with him and the others (which I didn't get a chance to cause...just read on). I couldn't help but notice how long the show was. At their Friday night show, the airplanes fly around for about an hour and a half, then they do their fireworks show. At their morning show, the planes fly around for hours! It started at 11a and went all the way to 5p or so, but I had left earlier. It was really cold in the morning but it got real hot real fast. I felt miserable after a few hours because I had no shade, I was getting sun burnt, and I had just donated blood which didn't help. I was drinking lots of water but every time I stood up I started to feel really faint. Sitting next to the speaker with the loud annoying commentator and the constant smell of jet fuel didn't help either. I hated that they saved the best performance for last because I ended up leaving earlier before I was going to die. I kept having to sit down as I was making my way to the car, I kept praying I wasn't going to faint because I was alone and that would have been embarrassing. Fortunately my cousin, who I was staying with for the weekend, lives only 3min. from the airport so I got to relax in the dark cold bedroom for a while until I felt better. If I go again I'm definitely going to their Friday night instead of Saturday/Sunday morning show because it's so much better than baking in sun. Overall the performances I did get to watch were amazing, one even made me cry it was that beautiful. It's remarkable to me how much I love airplanes, I wouldn't trade it for anything.


Air Base Tour

So, as I mentioned in the previous post, my recruiter told me that I was going to be taking a tour of the air base in Klamath Falls (where my sister lives). I was so excited because I thought they would fly me down there, but instead my recruiter said I get to drive down there on my own (and on my own expense). I almost didn’t want to do the tour anymore but I decided I would just go ahead and drive down there. I wasn’t gonna tell me parents or my sister that I was leaving/arriving to K-Falls, but the night before my departure I figured my parents would have gotten mad if I left without passing some stuff onto my sister. So I told them that I was going and if they wanted me to pass anything along. I mentioned that I was driving there in my car and my dads first response was “No!” He was not going to allow me to take my car because he’s always paranoid that it’s going to break down. My heart sunk to the ground when he said that, I knew my car would be perfectly fine but he wouldn’t change his answer. I wasn’t going to tell my recruiter never mind cause of no transportation, so the train it was. I hadn’t gone on the train in months but I do sort of miss it. At the same time I love driving down southern Oregon because of all the open roads and forests (and how much quicker it is). I was hoping I’d stop by Crater Lake too but that obviously wasn’t going to happen. My sister picked me up from the train station and I needed to borrow their car for the next day to the air base which they said would be fine, but then they had a conflict where it was possible that I couldn’t borrow their car. I was feeling sad, mad, and stressed all at the same time. It was going to be such a breeze to take my car and not having to worry about catching the train and/or borrowing my sisters car but my parents had to ruin that option for me. In the end it finally worked out at the very last minute and I made it to the air base just in time. I met up with one of the recruiters who was a young gal that looked like she was 24 or so. First we checked out the TMO building (I still don’t know what TMO stands for). The people there were so funny and I could see that I’d enjoy working with them, but there was no way I was gonna work there. All they do is a Ton of packaging, they have a huge warehouse full of packages that you constantly have to keep track of. The people there told me a lot of thing I didn’t know and that my recruiter never mentioned. Apparently I could switch jobs in between my time there. I had always thought that once you enlisted in one job, that’s it, but it’s not. So even though I can’t become an air traffic controller now, I could in the near future. Next we went to the Airfield Management building which was awesome from beginning to end. That’s where all the pilots are and people who do more aviation related things. The chief Airfield Manager gave me an awesome tour and we got to ride around the airfield, just like I had done at PDX. I even got to climb up one of the F-15’s to look inside! I’m not into military aircraft but those fighter jets are actually pretty huge. That was definitely something I wanted to do. Last but not least we went to the Personnel building where they did all the office/paperwork for everyone working in the base. It’s just like a State Job where you sit in a cubicle all day typing away for hours. The girl that showed me around was really mellow and kind of boring honestly, she told me a lot of the basic things they did which didn’t teach me anything new. I was definitely not gonna do that. Overall the tour was fun and if anything, I’m really looking forward to joining the team. I stayed at my sisters for another day after, then went home. My eyes were glued on the window as we were passing Klamath Lake and I could see the mountain where Crater Lake was. I was trying hard to hold back tears. I wish I got off the Chemult station and went to Crater Lake, I wish things didn’t go that badly there, I wish it was the way it was the first 2 months we were there. I still miss it a lot.