Names Alesa.22.I speak my mind,therefore there are no boundaries.I am a distraught child,so I might offend you unknowingly.At the same time,I am very caring when I should not be.Cheers.


Meditate at the Beach

So, one of my favourite bartenders suggested I simply forget guys, go to the beach and meditate/pray alone. This was after his suggestion that I should date someone in their early 30's which completely failed. I'm not going to lie it has been really hard getting used to being single, but at the same time I'm really enjoying not having to care for someone. I decided to take the day off work and go to the beach, starting with the outlet mall there. I haven't shopped for clothes at the mall in a long time because my new years resolution was to only shop online which I hardly did so I had a lot more money for food and going out. I got some clothes and this was also my first time shopping in the mens section not for an ex or anyone else...but for myself. You might be really confused right now but I don't want to explain. I'm not going to lie it was really weird at first I bought two shirts that I really like, along with some dresses and even necklases! I went to Goodwill after to see if I could find any bedding and I hit the jackpot. I found a full size egyptian cotton linens for $25. Those sheets are pretty expensive and it's so rare to find anything in a full size which is the size of my bed. I was pretty excited! Then I went to the beach and although it was really gloomy and foggy, it was perfect for a long jog. I jogged for quite a ways and eventually stopped to sit on a log and look at the waves. I sat and quietly prayed, it was really like nothing else. I felt so at ease as if a big weight came off my shoulders, hearing the waves crashing on the ground with no one in sight. There is a lot of stuff that I don't know about myself such as what makes me happy and how do I love myself. After that moment though I felt at peace, and it made me happy and also feel the love of Jesus in my heart. 
I'm always told not to chase after anyone, but have them come to me. I feel like that's not a very efficient method though because what if I'm not %100 attracted to the person that approaches me? The reason I go after anyone is because I know I wouldn't mind a relationship with them, but then again who knows if they would want to be with me. I'm sure that's how people feel about me but I would get so much crap from them for me not wanting to be with them as if I'm obligated to. It's really annoying. 
What I find to be the most painful thing for me is seeing any guy that I've had relations with in the past get married. I've longed to get married and these guys who were just tools from what I remember them as, are now happily married. That makes me feel like crap, as if I've done something wrong to not deserve a husband. It's ridiculous for me to ever think that but it's happened four times already. 
I really just want this October to be a relaxing one, and get lots of sleep in. 



So, the supermoon happened last weekend and I had to go see it. The last big event was just a blood moon where it turned red. This time not only did it turn red, but a lunar eclipse happened at the same time. The last time was quite a failed experience anyway since it was in the middle of the night and super cloudy so I barely got a glimpse of it. This time though, the skies were clear and the moon was big! 
The Sunday before that the church sermon was about this supermoon that was going to happen and what it meant. I personally have never read all of Revelations, only because I'm reading the Bible in order but stopped in between years ago. Revelations says that it's a sign of the end of times...but the blood moon has appeared multiple times since that passage had been written with no true indication of the great rapture. Our pastor was preaching about all these things that were going on including the supermoon that could be a result of the great rapture coming at any moment. To be honest those kinds of sermons make me really uncomfortable. I understand that everyone needs to know of these signs and how the end of time will happen, but I highly believe that it will not happen during my 80+ years on earth. I mean, what makes me be the one that will be alive during this big rapture? I will either die in a car crash, of sickness, or of old age. I will not witness people vanishing mid day and seeing the moon explode or anything. Which sort of goes back to being uncomfortable with these sermons about how the end of the world goes down because it's scary. The problem I see is that the Bible Clearly indicates No One knows when the end of the earth will be, even after all these blood moons we have had and people trying to do the math of when the last day will be. No One Knows, so stop trying!!!
Back to watching the supermoon, the first place that came to mind as to where to watch it was the beach. I felt like it was the perfect place to go see it and it was. I went with a friend of mine and we got there right before sunset which was just absolutely beautiful to watch. They brought blankets and hot dogs and we made a fire and waited until dark. I began to worry that perhaps we wouldn't get to see the moon because it was on the other side of the hills or something, but then  I saw a dark circle. The moon was going through the first stage of the eclipse and it was at the left of us the whole time! I was so excited! As it rose higher, it started to turn orange and then finally red. It was beautiful. Then it turned dark again and slowly started to show it's true, white color. Mind you, this process took hours but it didn't feel like long at all because the fire was going and we were snuggled under our blankets. I could have spent the night at the beach right then and there if we didn't have to go to work the next morning. It was seriously so perfect. We eventually decided to pack up and head home during the night, as I was getting really sleepy and needed to prepare for another long week.
Overall I was happy to have gone to the beach to watch the supermoon. There are a lot of conspiracies about it but to me it's just another amazing work of art from God.


The night I thought I died

So, I rode my motorcycle at night to visit a youth camp that was going on with a church I used to go to. I went at night because I was busy during the day, and I finally found the dorm my friend was staying in. It was at a big ol' campground in the forest built for summer camps and what not. At one point we saw a cougar running around the grounds and we were scared for our lives and hid in the dorm, when all of a sudden we see the cougar bite a women as she screamed for mercy. He killed her and we stayed hidden in the dorm waiting to hear someone come and clear the scene. My friends bunk mates came in, they were this young newlywed couple I knew. They are both very God loving people and I respect them for that, but then the husband goes "You're Alesa right? You've committed great sin before God, and for that I am going to have to kill you under his holy name." I responded with "Are you crazy!? If anything Gods last intention is for anyone to murder anyone!" But he didn't listen, and pointed a hand gun at me. I booked it out the door and ran for my life, as I hear him running after me, missing every shot until I lose him. I quickly got to my motorcycle and rode back to town as the sun rose, I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed. 
I rode to Salvadors bakery and got myself some pastries, along with one for my friend who is also my ex. My friend was substituting at a high school and I went to go visit him to tell him what had happened that night. I came into the school and found his class, he was dressed very nicely and he smiled when he saw me. All of a sudden, I hear gunfire. There was a shoot out going on in the school and it wasn't any student or stranger, it was the teachers going against all the students. Two female teachers came out and saw me and I said "No don't! I'm with him I promise!" and as I turned around to point at him, he had a gun pointing at me. He had a mean look on his face and without hesitating he shot a few times through my chest. I fell to the ground with a few breaths left. I faintly asked him "Why?" and he said "Sorry, I had to do it." I closed my eyes and started praying hard in my mind before I took my last breath. I said "God, please forgive me for all my sins. I really hope I get to see you on the other side. I'm so scared." Everything turned white and then black. Silence.
I felt myself awakening, slowly peeling my eyes open as I was scared to see if I had ended up in heaven or hell. It was still dark and quiet but my eyes began to adjust to my surroundings. I pulled down the white sheet that was covered over me, and found myself in the same spot where I was shot at. The school was dark and empty though, and I slowly got up and walked outside to where it was light but gloomy. There was a green car parked outside with some people in it, as if they were waiting for me. I got in the car and the girl and her toddler sister looked at me...but the mother couldn't see me. The two little girls smiled at me, and the older one whispered Hi. I knew at that moment I was a ghost and only these two girls were able to see me but not the mother. We drove to one destination, to the gas station, and then back to the high school where it was packed with students hanging outside by the portables and getting ready for class. It was strange because it was dark and dead just moments before that. The older girl got out of the car and I did too and I followed her to school. There were a lot of people who didn't see me, but a very few did, like the girls friend who asked her "Who's this girl with you?" 
I responded with "You can see me? But...I'm dead." 
The girls friend responded with "Well if you're dead than what are you doing here?" 
I said "I'm looking for my friend. Do you know where I can find him?"
She said "Yes, he's over there." and pointed at him. I turned around to see him saying goodbye to his buddies before they went to class but this time he wasn't a substitute teacher, he was a freshman student. He looked 13 years younger as well and the only way I could recognize him was by his sweet chunky face. He dissapeard in the crowd and I searched through a couple portables before I found him. I caught him before he went into his classroom and he turned around and looked at me. "Alesa? What are you doing here?" I gave him a hug and stroked the back of his hair with my hand as I always did. "Why did you kill me?" I asked, he said "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that..." I said "It's ok...I'm...I'm stuck here." That meant I am the ghost of the school and he is one of the few who sees me. It was going to be hard because he attends that school and I'll just be a daily reminder that he killed me. He looked at me with teary eyes and anger in his face. He slowly walked away and started furiously punching a wall. I felt bad and gently closed my eyes.
A second later I open them again to find myself in my own bed with the sun peering through the window. Out of no where I began to pant and cry in fear, I touched the walls to feel if they were real and rolled up out of bed. I was still trying to catch my breath as the uncontrolable tears were streaming down my face. The dream was so vivid, I never had a dream where I was shot and didn't wake up from it but instead wake up to the "afterlife." I was close to believing that there really was no heaven or hell and I felt as though I really did waste all my life believing there was a God. But I quickly made myself stop and realize I'm awake and that was all a dream. I've been truely upset with myself lately though, because I do still long for my ex even though we split up a while ago. Even after he intentionally killed me in my dream, I still went back to him and he wasn't happy. I will never forget this dream.


First time driving

So, do you remember the first time you drove to prepare to get your permit? I vaugely do which is quite odd because it's a scary time! Everytime I visit my parents, I drive by my ol' community college where you always see some retard driving around in slow circles at the parking lot. I was that retard once. I drove in my dads ol' car which is more of a compact suv so it was alright. I remember making slow turns around the parking lot while getting used to using the blinker, and doing back in parking as well. Overtime I got to drive slowly through the neighbourhoods and eventually through the city. I finally got my permit after failing 3x (no joke) and continued to drive very cautiously. Not long after my parents wanted to go to a faraway park and had me drive, I was going to take the back roads to get there. Nope! My dad forced me to get on the freeway. To me, being on the freeway was the scariest road to drive, ever. I mean, if someone knicks your rear end, you'll go flying and all this crazy stuff you'd see on Fast & the Furious. I told my dad I never drove on the freeway before and he wouldn't believe me, and started to yell at me to go on it. So I did. I've never felt so tense in my life, my hands were sweating so bad from holding the wheel so tight, my heart paced when I drove by the semi trucks. We literally only had to drive past 2 exits to get to the park, but it felt like an enternity. I almost just wanted to crash into someone and die so that I'd at least know it's coming rather than die without knowing it's coming. After that everything else related to my various driving experiences is a blur...I've been driving for 4 years, been pulled over roughly 7 times but never got a ticket (cept once that got dropped so that don't count)! I've been pulled over A Lot compared to many people, but it's all just stupid reasons and I'm always left with a warning. I almost ran into a cop once! I coulda killed him! And he lets me go with a warning. I'd say I'm fairly lucky. My advice to girls who get pulled over? Just lift your skirt high and your shirt low. 


To Each Their Own

So, fml. I'm having a lot of tequilla right now so I'll consider this a drunken rant.
A couple months ago, I did a video interview for Alaska Airlines for a position as a flight attendant based in Portland. That seriously never happens, they only base people there if people retire from there. After I had done the video interview, they loved me and wanted me to come to Seattle for an in person interview either in September or October. September is coming to an end and October is creeping up, but I hadn't heard back from them in regards to when I'm suppose to come up. I left multiple e-mails and called countless times but got no response. I figured they were going to soon, and they did, but not with what I expected. The e-mail indicated they filled up all the spots for the in person interviews and therefore I am basically out of luck. Uncontrolable tears started running down my face as I stared at my work computer screen. My fists clenched up and next thing you know I dug my face deep in my arms and sobbed. My boss thought I was just blowing my nose and was joking about me crying...but it took him a minute to realize I was actually crying. He felt aweful and I had just enough breath to ask to go home. 
To think that I had tried so hard to become a flight attendant, waited 10 years to finally be old enough to apply to hundreds of positions, finally get an interview and rocked find out that someone who doesn't give a crap about the job and applied to merely get a job, is going further with the interview process and becoming what I have dreamt of since I was 11. I told God that if I didn't pass the in person interview, than I give up, but they ended up canceling my in person interview all together! I cried, so hard. 
I have come across yet another person who doesn't want to be just friends but to be in a relationship, when I cannot do that right now. I say "another person" cause the lad I met in Seattle couldn't be just friends cause he was too attracted me to keep his hands to himself. I mean, how is that even a thing? I have had some hot hot friends, but was never at that point where I thought if we aint official than there's no reason for us to be friends. The reason I cannot date right now is because I've realized how much I really do need to focus on myself. I can't say that I love myself cause I don't (yet), and I have no idea where to start with simply being happy with myself cause I sure aint after all the crap I put myself through. I don't feel like many guys can respect that though? I admit that I am weak to temptation, and have no self control but that's what I desperately need to learn to do and so far I'm having a rough start. 
My friend who recently became an atheist, asked me the question "Why do you fear God? If He is all loving, why should one ever fear?" and I told him what I believed. I believe that God made man in His image, and with that came various emotions including fear. My ex is a prime example, I loved him but I feared him a lot. I was scared of doing anything wrong to avoid him getting upset at me, because I loved him. And that's how I see God as well. Cept my ex was merely a person that didn't obtain the power of everlasting life, but I still naturally had those same fearful emotions regardless of how loving (if ever) he could be.  If God had no emotion, than there would be no such thing as love and therefore what would we have to live for? But I strongly believe "To each their own", your children don't play any role in what kind of person you are, nor does your parents, nor does your spouse or friends. It pains me to hear when a mother would say their child is a nightmare because of the mistakes that they themselves had made years ago. No!! Absolutely not!! Your childs actions and character has Nothing to do with your past. God does not create human in the image of the mothers or fathers past, he molds them as He wants...with raw emotion. But then sin had overcome the world in which God "technically" has no control over. The End.
Going back to what I was originally saying, I really need to figure out how the hell I'm going to love myself. 
I'm cat sitting for my co-worker who is in Vegas right now. You'd think it's kind of silly to cat sit rather than dog sit but these aint no ordinary cats. One is a sphynx and the other is a bengal...which aren't cheap! They have a pretty strict appetite and eat a pretty strict time. She also has a flying squirral, yes, a FLYING SQUIRRAL. She had rescued her from somewhere and raised her as her own. She lives in a big cage in the backyard and I admit I'm kind of creeped out by the way it looks at me with big black eyes. The sphynx is my favourite of all of them, I had always wanted one growing up but it's hard to find them and they're also expensive. He always trys to stay warm so he curls up in a ball on my chest. I love him. I had always wanted a cat even though my apartments don't let pets, but after these couple days of taking care of them, screw that crap!!! 
I can't wait until this week is over with. I'm just going to shut everyone off and do my thing.


Kevin Hart and Seattle

So, my sister asked me if I wanted to go to the Kevin Hart show in Portland I figured why the heck not even though it was in a few days but tickets were selling for $49 on Groupon. Mind you, these seats were pretty much the worst they had at the Moda Center. Me and my sister get there at 6:30p, got a quick bite to eat and found our way to our seats which again, are the worst they have. It was on the very highest section (nose bleeds as they call them) and all the way across the stage. Apparently we were early cause our section was practically empty. Kevin Hart isn't someone we were dying to see anyway, unlike when we saw Justin Bieber and paid $200 a pop for fairly close seats. 10min or so went by and we hear these girls squeel behind us and I turned around to see what was going on. There was this grandma ticket agent that had a small stack of tickets in her hand that she was passing out. I called out to her, knowing it must be something good. She gave me and my sister one and when we looked at where we were upgrading to, we flipped out. The ticket I was holding in my hand was worth $300, and we got it for free (unless you subtract our $49). Me and my sister were jumping up and down like little kids and we ran to where we were now going to sit at. When we got to our new spots, we truely felt like we won the lottery. We were now at the very front corner of the stage, to the point where you can see the comedians face without looking at the screens. That made the show 100x better and we truely enjoyed all the jokes and stories Kevin Hart had told.
The weekend before I had shared about my solo getaway trip to Southern Oregon and how I met these two guys from Seattle at Crater Lake. I had been keeping in touch with them and I figured why not go to Seattle after the Kevin Hart show to visit? And so I did. Lets just say, my body starts shutting down at 2am so while I was an hour away from Seattle and the clock hit 2am, I thought I was going to die. I had never drove to Seattle behind the wheel before, or go somewhere that far alone in the middle of the night. I was stoked to get there though and spend a day and a half there. One of the guys is practically my twin brother, cept a 34 year old male version of myself. Our personal preferences, how we talk and what we see in a relationship is exactly the same! God forbid I'll still be single at 34 though. We went to asian restaurants, the space needle, and went bar hopping to some awesome places. I had a great time, it's crazy to think how random it was I met these people in a forest and now I'm in their town exploring its awesomeness. The first night, their chinatown was having this street festival of some sort and it was packed. You were literally bumping shoulders trying to get through the crowds of people. It was truely an experience I've never had before. They even had a big random stage of some DJ dressed in a minion costume playing kick ass beats and everyone was dancing. Almost felt like I was in Ukraine at that point! As much as I despise sales tax, I really needed something I could say I bought in Seattle. Although I don't have many favorite football teams, every 3 out of 4 people were wearing Seahawks gear in Seattle! Even the homeless!! So I bought myself a Seahawks knit hat and I adore it. Overall I was happy to have pushed myself to go to Seattle just to hang out, knowing I'd have a good time. The drive back was really busy with cars but everyone was going fast so it made the drive home real quick! Not sure when I'll ever be back in Seattle but I hope it'll be soon again and bring someone to enjoy it with me this time!


Labor Day Weekend

So, little had I known we had a 3 day weekend. I was determined to take advantage of it and go camping! The only downside was that I literally have no friends that like camping, cept one but I knew she wouldn't be able to go. My destination was Umpqua Hot Springs, then Crater Lake, to simply get away from home and get lost in the woods. I wanted to leave Friday after work and head home Monday morning, but no one was letting me go alone. I had one friend who agreed to go with me if we left on Saturday which was fine with me. Problem was he couldn't go anymore and at the last minute, so at that point I decided to screw everyone and go alone. Saturday came, I packed and headed to Umpqua Hot Springs! I was so stoked when I had finally arrived, I couldn't wait to crawl into one of the tubs and simply forget reality exists. The tub I sat in ended up being a little too cold, so I joined in with some random individuals in a much hotter tub. The thing I love the most about that place is that it feels so normal being naked with everyone. It sounds strange being naked in a natural hot spring tub with a 76 year old retired airforce grandpa, a 28 year old ex-convict who just got out of prison who also went to school with my ex's brother, and a 32 year old woman who does crystal healing. In reality, we were all there for one reason and that was simply to relax and forget all our troubles. I had a lot of people offering me weed but fortunately I don't do that, I was also a bit paranoid it had something else in it besides weed. I ended up soaking for nearly 5hrs, but it started to get late and I went to my car to sleep. It was pretty cold sleeping in my car, but something crazy happened. It was around 1am and this guy, in the middle of the lot, starts screaming someones name and cussing at the top of his lungs. He was going at it for a long time, and I was scared to death. When it comes to being in a car crash, or going through turbulance in an airplane, I'm very calm. But when it comes to someone screaming so loud in the middle of the night, my heart starts racing to the point where I can't breathe normally. I slept in my car and from the sound of it, I think his car was next to mine that he got locked out of and was trying hard to get in it. I hid under my blankets and covered my ears, but I could hear my loud pulse through my ears and this guy screaming his heart out. I for sure thought he was tripping on acid because it's hippie/hobo central. My biggest problem was I took sleeping pills and when you wake up in the middle of your deep sleep, you can feel your mind trying to shut down as you try to wake up. My eyes were literally rolling upwards while I was trying to readjust in my sleep in the cold night just to stay warm. The guy stopped for a few hours, but then he started screaming again. I thanked God for the life that He gave me because I figured this guy was gonna start murdering people, me being the first person. Thankfully the sun had risen and I was still alive, with the guy and his friends no where to be seen. I woke up freezing to death so I got out and ran to the hot springs and soaked up until it got too hot. I went back to my car and ate, when this guy sleeping in a trailer next to me came up and hit up a conversation. I asked him about the guy screaming and he told me from what it sounded like to him as he was listening, the guy came with his friend and girlfriend. When he woke up, he noticed his friend and girlfriend were missing...which was a dead giveaway that they ran off to hook up. I thought that couldn't be true but that's what the guy who was screaming, was screaming about so I'd believe it. Although that was no excuse to make all of our night so miserable. 
After I ate I was off to Crater Lake. It was really sad pulling up to the east entrance because the trees I remember being so lucious and green, are now black with no branches. Forest fires make me really sad, but I was happy they had finally stopped the one at Crater Lake. The lake wasn't as blue as it usually is because there was some overcast, so the water was dark blue like the ocean. I was excited to see who I could find that I worked with last year and my first stop was to my old dorm! I was really surprised at how dead and clean it was especially in the lounge room. The furniture was all new and fancy and there wasn't anyone sleeping on it like there normally was. There were two girls there that worked there last year as well but I've never seen them before. They directed me to where my friends rooms were but all of them were working so after I relaxed on the couch a bit I walked on over to the lodge. The walk to the lodge from the dorm was always my favourite part, the scenery is like no other and it's not even the lake that I like. The lodge was pretty packed but I got to see my favourite dirty frenchman working which I was overly excited about. After we exchanged hugs and quickly caught up on life, I walked on over to the gift shop to see another buddy of mine who worked there. He had a ton to tell me and it was all baffling! He told me about all the crap that was going on and what he had gone through, it actually made me relieved that I decided not to come back. Afterwards I went back to the lodge to have my favourite dish of all, mussels! But my dream didn't come true because they took it off the lounge menu, and the next available dinner reservation wasn't for another 6 hours. It really sucked but I ended up getting something else and hitting up a conversation with a guy doing the Pacific Crest Trail which is pretty hardcore. The one person I wanted to see was working at the restaurant on the bottom of the hill which I didn't want to go to but decided to anyway to kill time. I was really nervous seeing him as always, and I discovered that the reason I have a hard time eating anything when I'm with someone is because of how nervous I get. It's pretty silly but I can't control it. They put me next to the open kitchen and I finally got a glimpse of him, he was gorgeous as always (at least to me he is). I sat quietly and ate my burger which was pretty bland but it was ok. There were two guys sitting next to me and one of them had asked me what was the occasion, because I was wearing a dress and was well put unlike everyone else in their camping/hiking clothes. I told them about how I used to live there and that it felt more like home to me than a national park of some sort. We talked for a while and they invited me to their camp site for a campfire! I was pretty excited considering I had hours to kill before my ol' co-workers got off work. Before I left the restaurant though I approached my friend and said hello, it was pretty quick because he was busy as always. I saw him again later that night as we were passing each other in our cars at night in the parking lot, we hugged and he told me how he was doing but was in a hurry to get to the dorm. I feel like the past 3 times I've visited him were always quick and bittersweet. I had a really big crush on him but so did a lot of girls. This time I really felt like it wasn't worth driving 4 hours to see a guy who only has time to say hello and goodbye. I never have anyone who's willing to drive so far to see me, even from Portland. I just need to stop putting so much tme and effort for someone that's clearly never going to be a thing. I'm just a very hopeful person but it becomes pretty clear to me when something is not meant to be. Bleh moving on!
I joined these two guys at their camp fire and it was so awesome. They were traveling from Seattle which to me seems far but they were doing a lot of pit stops which makes it a little better. The craziest thing is that they were exactly like these two guys I know who are really good friends too. One is slim, tall with dark hair and the other is more built with short reddish/brown hair and big gentle eyes. They were literally the older versions of my two friends! After hours of getting to know each other, it was dark and I was ready to go park on one of the view points off east rim drive to star gaze and go to sleep. This time I dressed a lot warmer and wrapped myself up like a burrito to stay warm. The milky way was amazing, there's no other place I've been to that has as much stars than Crater Lake. It sprakled like glitter and I saw a few shooting stars. Fortunately I didn't wake up in the middle of the night to someone screaming, in fact there was no one at the view point but myself. When I felt myself waking up I peeked through the window and saw the famous sunrise everyone gets up early to see over Crater Lake. It literally looks like a ball of red fire coming over the hills! Well the sun is a ball of fire, but it was more vivid over these moutnains. My eyes were burning but they eventually adjusted to the beautiful sight. I sat for a bit to enjoy the amazing view and I remembered when I worked there last year, I had a customer who told me about the time he worked there years ago and although he is not religious by any means, he truely believes God created all that we saw there. It's truely breathtaking but after 10min or so, I was ready to go home to take a hot bath and a nap.
Overall my weekend was amazing, I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted for myself and how I ought to better myself. I met some amazing people and I was happy to see my ol' co-workers even if only 5/100 of them came back to work there this year. I love the natural creation God had made to make us realize how small we really are, and how beautiful his artwork really is.



So, one thing about me is I'm a very undecisive person. A bit strange considering I've had the same goals since I was a child and although I haven't reached them yet, they're still the same goals. That aside, when it comes to deciding what job I want, if I want to be in a relationship, or even what kind of ice cream I want if I had to choose one...I cannot for the life of me make a decision so quickly. When I did my oath in front of a few of the upper people at the base I was in, I was shaking because I was making a decision I wasn't %100 on. What's more stupid is I want to renlist if I can but have a good feeling I'd want to leave again. I think it has to do with running out of patience. I want to know how something or who someone is like and once I find out, I want to go search for something or someone else because I get bored with the same thing. Horrible horrible habit. 
What's new? Well I guess I haven't spoken about my new car yet. I was at the point where I didn't care what car I got anymore, as long as I didn't have to drive mine that I had for 4 years and was slowly but surely dying on me. My brother-in-laws brother rebuilds and sells cars for what I think are pretty good deals. He had one that I figured I'd go ahead and get, but of course my dad said no. I hadn't saved for a car so I needed to borrow money from my parents, and although it always pissed me off when he'd say no to a car I wanted, I had to respect his decision at the same time. My dad ended up finding the same car on craigslist a couple hours later, it was newer, had Way less miles on it, and was 2k above my budget. Although doing anything over my budget pains me, I admit it was a pretty good deal so I got it. I'm still getting used to the little things, one thing I don't like at all is even though it has good gas mileage and only costs me $25 to fill up, it has a small tank so I have to fill up twice as often as I did before. It's really annoying and it's terrible when the nearest gas station is another 20 miles and you dont know if you'll make it. I also have to pay my dad back and it could take me up to a year which is in such a long time, I want it to go by so quickly and painlessly. 
You know what I don't understand, is when a guy tells me he wants nothing more but to be with me...than leaves me not long after? I feel like it's completely twisted as in they ought to say they want nothing more but to be with me After seeing each other for at least a month. It seems like in my situations it's always the opposite. The majority of guys I've dated ended up leaving me in the end (I only left 1 guy), for various reasons that have nothing to do with there being anything wrong with me. I feel as though there is something wrong with me that they don't want to say to avoid hurting my feelings, but it hurts more when I don't know the truth. People always ask how I don't have a boyfriend because supposably I'm so awesome, and my only response is "I really don't know." Being friendzoned sucks, but everything happens for a reason. It's weird being alone, I haven't been alone in so long. It's something I ought to get used to though, perhaps I'll go without anyone for over a year. I've also decided to take a different approach on dating, one that doesn't necessarily envolve men at all. 
I really want to take a short roadtrip in my car before Oregon decides to do nothing more but to piss on us for many months ahead. I honestly do not miss the rain at all, and I don't love heat either but my biggest thing are dry roads. Driving in the rain is something one will never get used to. 
I hope I eventually stop overthinking things, and not taking everything way too personal. 


My encounter with a Mormon

So, I went to my 3rd and final wedding of the year. I personally am not a fan of weddings for multiple reasons, the main one being how much I wished I were married. I suppose that's more of a personal problem. The first two weddings were of my friends and the third one was of my cousins which was the best wedding I've ever been to! It made me so glad I didn't go to boot camp cause I would have really regretted missing it. There was an interesting couple I had met at my cousins wedding (which had roughly 300 people). He was co-workers with the groom, and we randomly hit up a conversation when we were sitting at these couches as we waited for the ceremony and reception to start. This couple was in their mid 30's and were both very well educated and well off. One thing he said that struck me was that he's never been to a wedding in his life, because as mormons it's very different. I was really surprised and almost saddened that they've never been to a traditional wedding before! Afterward we got to talking a lot about Mormonism (of course), they were definitely devote mormons. It brings me back to the time when a Jehova Witness girl tried to convert me to their beliefe system for nearly a year until I told her to give up, never heard from her after. Not that Mormons or Jehova Wittnesses are the same, but they do believe in the more work you do the better your chances are in getting to a higher level in heaven. Going door to door is one of those works. He briefly explained to me what their biggest beliefe is and that is only when the 12 apostols are alive, do people have a chance to grow in the grace of God and go to heaven. That is why God and Jesus (who supposably are two individuals) came down from Heaven "in person" a few hundred years ago to a man named Joseph Smith. They clearly told him he needs to build his own church and recruit 12 apostols so that people can continue being saved. I admit I was a bit dumb founded, for I had no idea that's where Mormonism came from. 
God, who clearly says in the Bible, has never revealed himself only to Adam (and Moses I believe)...came down to a random dude named Mr.Smith? God, who is the same as Jesus and the Holy Spirit, came down with Jesus who is basically himself? I was curious to know more. He told me why Joseph Smith was originally the one chosen for such a great task, and how organized the mormon church is. One question I asked, that threw him and his wife off, was "What about the millions of people who were alive between the last apostol who died from the Bible times, and the first 'apostol' who came forth from the modern times. Since no apostol was alive, were none of them saved?" which ultimately results them in going to hell. He just recited what the Bible had said about apostols and that's it, not necessarily giving me a more logical answer. 
I ultimately found it fascinating what they believed, no judgement at all. But after speaking to them and getting to know their religious beliefes, there's no way I'd ever be mormon. Although, I do believe more Christian should do more works for Jesus but technically they already are. 
I also realized how much I actually enjoy Theology and learning different denominations and religions. Not to say I'd ever convert from what I am to something else, I stay firm in what I believe. I guess to me it's interesting to see why people have such firm beliefes in what their church teaches, when to me it sounds like nonsense. Why do they get such a different response in their prayers about Joseph Smith being this lucky guy who got to meet God and Jesus and the answer I get from my prayer is that Joseph Smith just had a dream and people actually believed him? Ha who knows!


No Idea

So, I keep forgetting to blog when I want to.
A week ago I was suppose to fly out to boot camp which I still fear. I can't imagine sleeping in tiny bunks and being yelled at everyday, but I'm told it's actually funny. I regret joining the military but I also regret leaving. I feel as though if I get the option to join again I would, I just couldn't go to boot camp so soon because of the new job I had started. 
As for my job I still really like it but I had something crazy happen. One day someone reminded me of becoming a flight attendant and that I should still give it a shot. I decided to look up Alaska Airlines to see if they were hiring and to my surprise they were, and the biggest surprise is that it's a full time position based in Portland! I went ahead and applied for it, thinking I'd most likely get denied as I always have been. A few days later I got an e-mail saying I'm invited for a video interview! I was so ecstatic! I had never done a video interview before and you only got 1 minute to answer each question which I felt was too little but I did my best. Again, I thought I'd get denied after until I got a phone call a few days later. The AA Recruiter said I had scored the highest out of everyone and that they want nothing more but for me to come to an in person interview in Seattle. I hadn't squeeled that much in so long! Of course this was exciting but creates a huge problem. Do I really want to go on with my dream of being a flight attendant or continue working for the State knowing I have stability? Only time will tell.
As for the love life, it's a complete mess. I don't think I've ever had so many guys and girls wanting to be in a relationship with me, it sucks. Girls always complain about no one wanting them but it's worse when everyone wants to be with you. I've hung out with different individuals, mostly rekindling with old friends or ex's, but I'm starting to think that's not so smart. I ought to meet new people and forget the past as hard as it is. Hard to move on when the past is holding on tight to your ankle. 
Things have just been so complicated, as in I never had to deal with different people and jobs wanting me all at once. It just makes me wish I didn't open myself up to meeting so many new people and applying to awesome jobs cause when it comes to making a decision, I'm the most undecisive person ever! Not only that but I'm weak to temptation and enjoy any sort of attention, but at the same time I just want to be left alone, locked up in my little apartment with no connection to anyone. 
I just have no idea what the hell I'm doing.


You need to make friends

So, I went to church as usual even though I was sunburnt like crazy and every move was torture, but I really wanted to sing some awesome worship songs. Just like any typical Sunday at church, I walk in without talking to anyone cause I hardly know anyone, sit at my usual spot in the front middle and fiddle around on my phone until service begins. This time though was a bit different because the pastors wife approached me while I was sitting and asked if I had any friends at church. I sat silently for a moment and quietly said "No". She said she notices that all I do is come and go without stopping to say Hi or conversing with anyone, and she understands that I may just be coming to have alone time with Jesus but it's been 6 years and I don't really know anyone. I'm surprised of how many people actually know of me and even know my name when I don't know them. She was right, but little does she know that I've tried but failed.
I'm utterly shy when it comes to meeting new people even within my own church and I have tried, but clearly I'm still alone. Russians aren't easy to make friends with even if you've seen them a billion times, you only become friends if you have a family there or grew up together since childhood, not when you're in your late teens/early 20's all by yourself. I've opened doors for people at church and the women would never thank me for it. I've said Hello to people who would say Hi back than turn around and continue chit chatting with their own group of friends. Truth is I'm not meant to be friends with anyone at my own church because it seems like I'm not compatible with anyone which is fine, I'm far used to being alone my whole life as it is.
Don't get me wrong, I WISH I had friends at church. I wish I could come and hug people every Sunday. I wish I had a husband to come to church with. I wish I was super happy seeing everyone...but that's a mere wish that will less likely ever be fulfilled. For now it is just me and Jesus, and for now that is all it will be.
Truth hurts


I just want...

I just want to hold your hand, even when you are drunk.
I just want to kiss you, even when you tell me to f*ck off. 
I just want to cuddle with you, even when you easily get mad.
I just want to stroke my hand through your hair, even when you are high.
I just want to go on trips together, as jealous as you are.
I just want to tell the world about you, even when you easily get annoyed.
I just want to be with you, as much as you know that you're not for me.
You left me because you did not want to change the horrible person your ex made you.
You left me because mentally you are too young for me.
You left me because you are weak and I am strong...
Yet, I still want to be with you because of the abundant amount of Hope I have and because I know the loving and caring person you once were still lurks inside your heart. It's only a matter of time that all that you are and all that you do now will soon be a thing of the past. 
I know this because I've prayed everyday for you and your health. 
Although you may not be religious, I know God has never given up on me when I'm in my lowest state so I know he won't give up on you either.