Names Alesa.21.I speak my mind,therefore there are no boundaries.I am a distraught child,so I might offend you unknowingly.At the same time,I am very caring when I should not be.Cheers.


Disconnect from reality

So, my sister had asked me to come over and I admit I had missed Southern Oregon so I bought a train ticket for the following weekend (she lives in Klamath Falls for you who don't know). The day had finally arrived for my departure and the downside was our train had been delayed for 2hrs because someone in the Portland area was trying to commit suicide on the tracks. As rude as it may sound, we all wished the person would have just died instead of our train being delayed so long over someones selfish action. After a long boring 5hr trip I finally arrived to Klamath Falls. The main reason I went was to visit Crater Lake the next day, and to see my ol' co-workers in whom I greatly missed. I was beyond thrilled to go to Crater Lake in the winter again and it was so much more beautiful than in the summer. When we arrived I quickly booked it to the gift shop before they closed to see my ol' co-worker, and the one whom I traveled so far to see. I bumped into this girl I remembered from the Summer and to my surprise she knew who I was and my name, though I was never really fond of her. She told me where the others were and I booked it upstairs to the office, hoping he'd be there. I knocked on the door a few times. No answer. A few times more, and the door swung open and there he was. I quickly swung my arms around him and hugged him as tight as I could. We quickly caught up on each others lives, and he was telling me all about the crazy stuff that happened and is happening at Crater Lake after I had left and it's beyond twisted. I only got to talk to him for about 5min because my sister and her husband were waiting for me to take pictures of them, so I cherished every moment I got to look at him. It felt so unreal to see him, and to be at Crater Lake in general. I felt so at ease though, and was so happy to leave the person I am in Salem behind. Funny I say that because I really needed to leave the person I was in Crater Lake over the summer, but it was more exciting and dramatic than back at home? I was sad to have to say goodbye to him so soon, but I don't feel that this was going to be the last time I'd see him. My sister and her husband took a ton of awesome pictures of the snow covered lake and we explored around a bit while we froze our butts off. I was really happy but really sad to have left so soon because the sun was setting quick. We then went to Medford which I was also excited about because I love the drive and kept having dreams of it so it was nice to go through it again. Chiloquin and Shady Cove are really lame cities but I have a lot of good memories in them that I'll never forget. 
I really needed this getaway and I'm so happy to have gotten to do. To get away from everyone in Salem and not contact anyone from there. To temporarily disconnect from all the close relationships I have there. Sounds sad but I Always need it, Always! It was a short weekend trip, but it helped me contimplate on some things and how distant I need to be from people because many are starting to get too attached to me. 
I just want to start new again...


First Drill

So, my first drill weekend was nothing as I had expected it to be. We start at 7am which is crazy early especially when you have to drive from Salem to Portland! I had to get up at 5am which was brutal, and I almost died along the way by hitting a huge puddle on the interstate and hydroplaning. I kept praying the whole way there and finally made it alive. I was really nervous and very scared of how thing were going to go. I was worried it'd be super awkward and that I wasn't going to make any friends, but fortunately that wasn't the case. I met two new people who started the same day as I did, one was a rich kid from Salem that's gonna be doing office work and the other was an ex-recruiter who was working with me as an airfield operator. The ex-recruiter was the first person I met and is probably by far my favourite. We went to this morning meeting they did which made No sense to me what so ever because they were discussing military stuff I had no idea about. Then me and the other student flight kids (which are all the ones who haven't gotten to boot camp and tech school yet) went to another presentation. The other kids were really cool and we all became friends quick! Little did I know, there was a holiday party happening towards the last half of the day so we only had 15min of gym time (it's normally an hour or longer). It was so laid back! I was extremely scared they were gonna make me do 50 push ups and run for miles but it was nothing like that. We changed and off to the holiday party we went! It's one of those typical work parties where all the guardsmen/women invite their families to come and there's all these activities and food. None of use student flight kids invited our families, but we really just considered our groupie to be a family. We stuck together everywhere. I think the best parts were getting free beer, getting cotton candy made by a Commander, and Santa Clause pulling up in an F-15. Yes, this was my first day!! After all that was over with I went to my hotel and slept until the next drill day.
My squadron mate helped me get the rest of my paperwork done at the different units since he was a recruiter and knows the base and all its people well. Then we got to drive around the airfield and were taught the basics of what we were gonna have to do in the near future, and were shown how to make flight schedules and stuff. Of course we won't actually be able to do any of this until we're done with tech school, and the worst part is I found out that I actually don't know when I'll be going to boot camp. I thought I was going in January but that's just an anticipation date, not when I'm actually going. The other student flight kids I met have been waiting for over 6 months to go and they still don't know when they're going! That just makes me more confused as to whether I should continue applying to other jobs and still move out while I can. We'll see! At the end of the day we had to clean our unit and let me tell you, there's nothing sexier than seeing a guardsman in uniform washing the dishes. 
I had a blast at the base but only because my squadron mate is by far the funniest and funnest guy I've ever met. It definitely wouldn't be the same without him! I'm so looking forward to next months drill and getting closer to the people I work with. 


He may not always be yours

So, there's this boy whom this one girl really liked. He's very handsome and very friendly, she's very cute and outgoing. One day they began to talk on Halloween and after she mentioned not having any plans because she didn't have many friends to spend time with, he invited her to a night with him and his friends. It was her first time going out on Halloween and she was thrilled about it and dishing out her creative side to put together a costume. She soon discovered this boy had a dark side, just like the girl does. Their dark sides differed but this meant nothing to her, for the girl fell in like with everything about him. His smile, his hair, his laughter, his compasion for things, his generosity, his kindness, his eyes...the list could go on. They became very close that night, seeing each other often and writing essay long text messages after. She was over the moon for him because a man never treated her the way he did, with true care. She was thrilled to see him every time, and wished him a goodmorning and goodnight. As the days went by though, she noticed something was off. That there was a distance growing and for no known reason. She kept questioning herself and what might the reason be, but there was no way of finding out the truth unless she asked him herself...She felt as if her question had frightened him away for good. A dark saddness overcome her. How had something so good go to being almost non-existent? In a matter of weeks she went from being so in like with this boy and spending so much time seeing & talking to him, to being all alone again. She didn't feel a bit of anger though as she had in the past, because she realized that the person you like may not be the one you're meant for. Being denied is very brutal especially after spending many special moments together, but she continues to keep her head up. It was a situation where the faster you jump into a relationship, it will crash just as fast. She promised herself not to do that but she broke that promise with him. Now she had lost something precious. She continues to fight for him, but she knows she will never have him again. Now she continues to wander on her own, until another spots her eye....


My Enlistment

So, the day had finally arrived where there was no turning back. If some of you have kept up with my posts, you know that I've hit many barriers to get to where I wanted to be. I woke up early morning and rode with my recruiter to the Portland Air Base that will be my new home. There was another woman riding with us to look at the different kinds of jobs they had which was good because she talked through the whole ride, while I sat in silence. I dressed up very nice because you want to make a good first impression to your new bosses, I felt a little too overly dressed up though but that was ok.  We did a mini tour of the base and what all the buildings were and it's a lot smaller than the one in Klamath Falls but it's still a decent size. We went inside the office building where they do accounting and such, and I had to sign a bunch more papers. I've probably signed +100 forms throughout this whole process and I hated it. Once that was done, we went into the air crew building where all the pilots were in and where I will be in as well. I had been in it before when my friend gave me a mini tour on my 20th birthday so it wasn't anything new to me. I met quite a few of the staff whom of course were pretty much all older men. The thing I like about the Klamath Falls base is that there are a lot of younger women working there, but not here. The sergeant at Klamath Falls was right though, the people at the Portland base were a bit more serious and don't seem to have much of a fun vibe to them. It was alright by me because it felt a lot more laid back that way.
From watching videos about how enlistment works, the kids enlisting and their families all gather in a room where all the kids would raise their hand and say the oath of promise. I was surprised when they were like "Hell no we're not doing that!" because I was the only one enlisting that day and they never ever get people like me, so I got to do my oath in front of an F-15 inside the hanger (which only one other person did before from what I'm told). It felt really special. If I had known that's where they were going to make me do it at I would have invited everybody to come, but I didn't invite anyone...
I had told my parents the day before about how I was going to enlist 6 years of my life to the Oregon Air Guard as an Airfield Operator. My dad was fairly ok with it because he too once wanted to join the Oregon Army Guard so he had a better understanding of how it worked unlike my mum. To my mum, when she hears anything military related she automatically thinks Iraq, War, Weapons, Murder, Mass Destruction, and Death. Just to clarify to everyone, I am NOT going anywhere. My life will NOT drastically change because of this. It is just like any other job (except the fact that I can't quit). The likely hood of me being deployed is zero to none, really. I've had many people tell me they're going to miss me and such and I just laugh because like I said, I'll still be here! My mum flipped out saying that I was committing a sin by doing this and that this is not the work of a Christian girl. That I ought to work hard in the State or Medical field, get married and have kids just like all Christian Ukrainian girls. I'm not like all Ukrainians girls, I am My Own. I was expecting this response from her and I was more than prepared to not have it effect me at all. I finally found a way to be with airplanes and do what I've always wanted, and I wouldn't let my parents stop me. I understand that according to the Bible you ought to obey your parents, but in this situation I couldn't do that because I wouldn't be happy. I don't live for my parents' happiness and what they want for me, I live for my own happiness and what God wants for me.
I prayed about this decision a lot and for the most part I wasn't getting an answer which is the worst. When I was saying my oath of promise to the job and serving in the Air Guard, I had many mixed feelings. I felt scared and nervous, but I also felt very at ease? I was frightened because there really was no turning back after that, you are a slave to the government and that was it. I felt at ease though because I was promising to be with the one thing I loved...airplanes (now I'm crying haha!) When I was a kid I remember saying "Screw marrying a guy, I could marry an airplane because I love them just as much if not more! I wish that was possible." That became reality, as I stood there next to a jet plane promising to protect it. It gave me a good sense of how marriage actually works now, as all single girls they just want to get married and have an extravagant wedding but they don't realize how much of a commitment that marriage is. It's really scary knowing there is no going back! But if you love the person that much, you feel at ease and are happy to live and love them until death.
I'm still very frightened of going to boot camp, and my first weekend I work is actually this December which I had no idea about! They said I'll have to do gym hour with them too which threw me completely off because I haven't even practiced doing push-ups or anything yet so I don't want to fail them. Overall I'm looking forward to it, and I'm so happy I'll get to continue living a normal life and see where my relationships, friendships, and where I move out to goes.


Too Good for Work

So, there's a discovery I made that after working at every job I had, I always exceeded the managers expectations. From retail, to restaurant, to even my current State job, I'm told I'm way too good to be doing the work that I was/am doing. Of course that's great news to hear, but it honestly makes me think "Well what the heck am I doing here than?" I recently got an e-mail from my managers at this State job that I work at thanking me for my work and how much I've exceeded their needs. It's just an indicator that I can do more than what I already am, but if only I could be given the chance to prove myself. It's hard to get a more professional job because they all require degrees or experience I don't have, but I'm confident I could do it better than anyone who even has that degree or experience. Perhaps that's why I want to go into the military, to actually have a challenge rather than a routine to work with. I'm just waiting for that day where it'll take me a while to be good at something, rather than in a month. I'm one who likes to challenge myself and see what I'm capable and am not capable of. I seem to get bored of a job easily and that's why I usually get up and leave because I want to learn new things rather than being stuck doing the same thing that isn't closely related to what I want to do. Hopefully the time will come where I will face some obstacles and think of different ways to overcome them. All I can do for now is kick everybody's butt at every job I have.


Casino Night

So, it was pay day and though our check wasn't that big because it only counted for a few days we worked, it was enough to do a spontaneous trip somewhere. With my parents being gone on their cruise I really wanted to take advantage of being out late or stay overnight anywhere. One thing I had always wanted to do was have a proper night at the casino. I never got the chance to go to Vegas on my 21st Birthday so I decided to book a room at Spirit Mountain Casino that's only 30 miles away. I was quite surprised at how cheap the rooms were, and the room I got is actually by far one of my favourite hotel rooms I've ever stayed at! It was dark, modern, had many spotlights (I love spotlights), and had a freakin Keurig. The only reason I mention the Keurig is cause a ton of people don't know how to use a regular coffee machine anymore, especially the ones in hotel rooms. I figured since this was my first proper night at a casino, I dressed up like I'm at the MGM Grand or something. These two workers asked me what I was celebrating and I said nothing in particular, and one of them said I should be celebrating something, perhaps the fact that I'm not pregnant! She's lucky I'm not the type to get offended by that comment ha. I got so many compliments that night, I really didn't think I'd be over dressed compared to everyone else. I had a bomb burger then went to my first slot machine of the night. The max I was going to spend was $100 which is very little to everyone who gambles a lot, but I didn't want to go over board on my first time. I put in a $20 in my first machine and began pressing the spin button. After a few spins, I won $280. I was mind blown, I couldn't believe I won that much in so little time! I wanted to cash out and end the night then and there, but I had just started so I couldn't just end it like that. I continued playing for what felt like forever but it was great the whole time. I ended up spending all the money I had won, including my $20 I first started with. Though I could have done a lot more with that $280 outside of the casino, I didn't feel all that guilty spending it on the games because it was never really mine to begin with. I got a better understanding of why people could get addicted to gambling though, the thrill of winning money is great, but it's really sad when you lose it all so you get in this habit of putting more and more money in to continue playing. Ever since I was a little kid I visioned myself being one of those grandmas who sit at the casino all day playing the slot machines, be super fashionable, drinking whiskey and smoking a cigar. Finally getting that first hand experience I realized how right I was when I was a kid, it's ridiculous how much I fit in with that crowd. Definitely have to restrain myself from going too crazy with that though or else I'll always be broke! I went on Sunday night so the next morning I went straight to work which felt so strange because, just imagine going straight to work after flying in from a good vacation, it's weird. Overall it was an amazing night and I'll never forget it!


Common Sense

So, in 5th grade, whenever I had a question being the curious little kid I was, my teacher Mrs.Pedro almost always responded with "Common sense, Alesa!" Sometimes this response would make me cry in the bathroom, because she never said it politely but rather in a way that made me seem like I was asking a really stupid question even though to me it wasn't.  Especially on days when she wasn't in a good mood, she would literally yell that whenever I had a Math, English, or any question. It was only a couple years ago when I realized that the questions I most likely was asking, were really simple that a 1st grader would know. That has stuck with me for life without really knowing it until recently. That is why I've become some a logical person because I was always being told to think for a minute what I'm asking, and what sources I could use to find that answer. I think about what I say rather than say without thinking, though my thoughts have offended some people in the past, I'd rather say what I think rather than say something they would prefer to hear. One big example is at work as an eligibility worker, when someone would come across an error code on the program we use, they automatically call for help. I was a helper for a short duration of time there and it seemed as if all my answers were "Read the error code, where is it directing you to? Common sense!" Of course this wasn't how I ever responded, but it was definitely how I felt every time. It seems like people are so in need of finding an answer to a problem without taking a few extra minutes if not seconds to dig a little deeper to find that answer. Most of the time it's really easy to, nobody just doesn't want to. It sort of goes back to the whole life is so simple yet people make it so complicated, and that's why people forget how simple things really are. Can't figure out what 5+10 is? Use your fingers or a calculator, common sense. Don't know the recipe to some dank rice krispie treats? Google it, common sense. Can't make friends? Well....that's you're problem, common sense. 


One two three!

As you may have read in my previous post I talked about how my recruiter told me the oh so horrible news about there being a problem with my test scores and that I couldn't enlist for the job I wanted. He asked if I wanted to retake the Asvab test in a few weeks but I said I wanted to do it as soon as possible. The day of the test came fast, so fast that I only studied for about 2hrs which was nothing. I was so nervous because I didn't study much at all and the fact that my test scores were going to determine a huge chunk of my future. I arrived to Meps in Portland and just did the best I could on the test. I felt really good about how I did but my test score said otherwise, I barely improved...but apparently I had improved enough. Right after I got my score sheet I called my recruiter right away and I was shaking so bad! I just remember how hard it was for me to even hold my phone I could't sit still. I was either going to hear "You did it Alesa!" or "Sorry Alesa, it's not going to happen." When I told my recruiter the scores though, he said "To be honest, I removed you off my board because I've never had anyone go from being under qualified to qualified after retaking the test the 2nd time. You did it Alesa!" I was in complete shock. I passed, I was officially set and on my way to becoming an Airport Manager at the PDX Air Base without a doubt. I screamed in joy! Unfortunately, because my recruiter will be on leave again, I won't be able to enlist until December which feels so far away but I know it will come quick.
I had many people tell me and I believed it myself for a while that the reason the past attempts to enlist always failed was because God had bigger and better plans for me, but that didn't explain why I kept being lured back into the recruitment office? I've said this before but I never in a million years imagined going into the military or ever wanting to for that matter, but there's something about it that keeps making me want to take a peek inside that lifestyle. Of course, it would be an 8 year long peek but perhaps it's one that I'll want to stay in for a lifetime. Only time will tell! One thing I learned about myself though is how I can't seem to ever give up on something I truly want, even after multiple failed attempts.
On Nov.2nd was my sisters birthday and I got her a lovely room at The Nines in downtown Portland. It's one of my favourite hotels but it's also one of the most expensive ones around which sucks, but that's what makes it the best. There was something that had occurred though that I've been meaning to share for a while now. When I booked my sisters room, it was set to have an atrium view (google it if you don't know what that is). My sister desperately wanted a city view though but you were only able to switch on the day of check-in, and it was also a $50 extra charge. I figured I'd make the room a bit more special by having concierge put a bottle of (unfortunately expensive) Argyle Brut and a birthday card from me. I later realized that my sister was wanting to switch rooms at check-in and that if that were the case, than the bottle would be in the wrong room! I quickly called back and told the lad on the phone about the situation, and he said he'd upgrade it to a city view room without charge. "I'll just pretend like you never said anything" he said. I proceeded to tell him how much I loved him and that alone made his day. I felt like I owed him for hooking me up though, and thought about how? When than it hit me. I called one of the supervisors of the hotel, and told her about how much this guy had helped me and how he treated me like the most important guest. I told her that my sisters room is going to be very special because of how happy he was to take my requests and make it the best for her birthday. The supervisor was stunned, she said she never has anyone call in to leave such a compliment of one of the front desk agents and how much she appreciated that I did so. She said she'd forward it to all of management and the front desk lad. As I was thinking about what I had done and knowing how much it will positively effect this front desk lads day (if not life), it brought a tear to my eye. It brought me back to when I was a front desk agent at a hotel and went above and beyond for this one guest, whom I didn't even realize I was helping her in a way that struck her so much that she told all my managers and corporate about. Many people don't realize how much their job effects others, it's crazy. Especially at my current job, all I'm thinking about is using the right codes to renew these medical applications. But I don't realize how much stress I'm taking off peoples backs by giving them extended medical benefits that could help save their little sick children or whatever the case may be. We get so used to our job and never take a moment to think about what we're really doing, and how it effects others. The only way we would remember is by having someone tell you how good of a job you're doing and how it helps others. I felt like this front desk lad really needed that reminder, that he has the trait of putting others needs before his own to make sure the person is satisfied. That is why I called.
As for boys, I'm sort of tired of moving on from one to another and of this whole dating process in general. At the same time I've learned how enjoy the moment rather than worry about our label, the future, or what we've done in the past. It feels really good to not worry, I hate myself for not doing that earlier when my relationships with some great guys failed because of overthinking a lot of things. There is a guy whom I really really really realllllly like, because he treats me in a way no other guy has before. For once I'm not the only one in the relationship to make the person know how truly amazing they are and it's great. I'm over the moon for him. It makes me nervous though because I almost can't imagine losing this one because of how many traits of his I truly love, but I would be alright being just friends if anything. Only time will tell where things will go.


Military fail again

So, I couldn't believe this was happening again. During my lunch at work I dropped by my recruiters office to sign a last stack of papers before my enlistment this week. I was so excited to finally enlist! My commander was going to be at the enlistment center to welcome me, and I was just ecstatic to finally be set on having the career I want as a Airport Manager in Portland. I would only be gone for 4 months and work at the Portland base full time for another month, then go to being part-time until I'd be eligible to be full time again. I still fear boot camp and have been dreading it, but I was just so excited to finally leave Salem and have enough saved up from basic training to not move back in with my parents after I got back. The number one thing I was finally looking forward to is being with airplanes, that's all I want. At his office we were all being silly and cracking jokes and after I finished signing papers I went back to work. Not long after, my recruiter calls me to tell me bad news. Let me rewind back to my first two attempts at joining the military:
First was with the Air Force and they didn't want me to apply because 'I already had a life going for me' and that it was something more for high school drop-outs or unemployed who needed assistance with affording an education and having a career. Simple as that.
Second time was with the Army National Guard and a few days before I was suppose to enlist as an Airport Manager in Salem, they had found out that the job was actually unavailable. So that ended.
This third time, with the Air National Guard, my recruiter told me that he converted my scores from my Army NG test I took to AIR NG and it came out that I'm actually under qualified for the position I was suppose to enlist in a couple days!!!
I cried. Literally.
How and Why was this happening to me again? Why is it that every time I'm so close to getting what I had always wanted since I was a child, gets taken away just like that? I thought that the first two attempts failed because God wanted me to end up with this position in Portland, and I was absolutely thrilled by it until I find out that this has failed too. I'm just so confused. All I want is to move out of my parents' already, work with airplanes, and be more involved with my church in Portland. I was soooo close to getting all of that, so close. People tell me that there must be a reason why God is holding that back from me and keeping me stuck in Salem, but honestly there can't be any good reason for that. There is absolutely Nothing in this city for me and I don't plan on ever coming back here once I permanently leave.
All hope is not lost though, for I will be retaking the ASVAB test next week in hopes of bringing my scores up so that this position I fought so hard for will finally be mine. Until then, I have no idea what will become of me.



So, it's quite late (at least to me since I have to wake up in a few) and there's one person that I keep thinking about tonight whom I've learned quite a bit from, both good and bad.
Of course this goes back to my time in Crater Lake, I may have only been there for 3 months but it felt like an eternity with abundant amounts of memories. There was one boy whom I really liked and I'm sure I had blogged about him during my time there. Everyone looked up to him because he's worked there for many seasons including the winters. He knew how to speak to people very well, and grasping all the girls' attention. In the beginning he was nothing but a stranger who worked as a chef in the kitchen that I saw here and there. In the end he left an unusual mark on my heart.
I don't recall how we first got to talking. I mean he was very well known by everyone but you only ever saw him at work, or else he'd be locked in his room or off the mountain somewhere. What I do recall is when we first spoke, we were both really drunk. That's really all I remember, but that one night turned to many (all in which were sober nights...ok most of the nights were sober). From what I had been told, he was a Big player hitting up and sleeping with any hot or cute girl he can find working there. I didn't expect to hear from him again after our first time hanging out considering his status, but as we spoke some more he asked to hang out again. I was thinking this was going to be another game where I get used and thrown out like I never existed, but it was the complete opposite. We cuddled, had some deep conversations, watched a movie, and then he fell asleep in my arms. I cannot for the life of me fall asleep while I'm cuddling with someone. We all slept in twin size beds so there was no way I could have let him go out of my arms and either way he wasn't letting me go...I watched him sleep, his big chest rising as he would breath, stroking my fingers through his hair. We had many nights like this, where I would come, let him vent and share stories, comfort him, watch a movie, and fall asleep in each others arms. He had the most beautiful big blue eyes and a gorgeous smile. His chest and arms were big, it was so comforting to fall asleep on him. I remember the time we went to the hot springs together at night with two other friends, and going rafting the next day. He was such a pleasure to be around with.
Of course being a girl who's all mooshy gooshy about this kind of stuff, I told my co-workers about how I felt about him and that perhaps he felt the same even though he's notorious for being this so-called player. My co-workers simply said "It will never happen.Trust me.He's not that kind of guy." I felt like they were wrong, that there was no way he spent his time with a girl like that especially more than once! All of them would just sleep with each other but that's it, where as our relationship was more emotionally least so I thought. It went on for what seemed like forever, but a second could feel like forever. We didn't message each other as much as we used to, no invites to neither of our rooms, barely ever saw each other outside of work, stopped speaking to each other all together. It didn't take him long (I'd estimate a few days) for him to move on to another girl. My co-workers were right, it was never going to happen. I understand being on a mountain for only 6 months isn't worth building any serious relationship, but no matter the time or place, if you see something worth fighting for than you will. Than again, why should one continue to fight for something if that person isn't fighting back for the same thing? The day I quit I didn't bother saying goodbye to him, I was angered by the way he left me in the dumps and oddly jealous of the next girl he had under his finger tips. As the weeks had gone by though, I remembered how I learned how to be at peace with myself from him. Shocking, I know. He was a very wise boy which he probably learned from all that Dragonball-Z he watched, but it really got me thinking about things I hadn't took time to think about before. We were on the same page about a lot of things (except relationships) and that's why I appreciated him and having spent all those nights together.
There are many guys out there who have potential to get married and to be the best husband to their wife, but they simply choose not to. This is what makes me sad, because one would rather choose to sleep around, party, and make avoidable mistakes or don't want to repeat having a relationship end bad like they've had in the past cause these hoes aint loyal (awww,these hoes aint loyal,yea yeaaa)...than to find peace and settle with one lover whom they fight for and protect.
I saw A Lot of potential in him, to make a girl feel like a queen and for her to treat him like a king "until death do us apart." Of course I have no say in how one should live their life, but it still makes me sad to see when one doesn't live their life in a way that would fulfill their every need in a pure way. I pray for him, and that he will soon realize that sometimes settling isn't all that bad.


I remember when...

...I was a cocktail waitress at Crater Lake and I was serving this older couple. The guy was telling me how he worked there almost 30 years ago about my age. He said it was odd because there were a lot of older people working there now as careers, but back in his time it was a Summer job only college kids did. He told me how different things were compared to how they are now and all this other stuff he used to do there. One thing that made him tear up (I almost cried too) was "I'm not religious or anything, but I believe that God had a great time making this beautiful place." That's something I'll never forget.


So, life! 
Work is everything I imagined it to be: dull, long, and boring. Sitting on an uncomfortable chair all day looking at a computer screen repeating the same process over and over again. It's nice working with older people cause everyone is mature and what not, but I hate being the youngest one in the whole damn building. I love making old people jokes to everyone though, it's great. One day I was staring at the computer screen and actually contimplated suicide. At 21 years old I'm still full of energy and wanting to socialize like a waitress would do, but instead we do our own thing in the same little space we're given. It's tough, but the pay is nice. That's really the only thing that's motivating me to keep doing the job is the pay and the job title of State Worker at 21 years of age. I just can't wait to move out from my insanely over protective parents, and to finally be doing the job I want in the near future. 
On Friday I visited my churches youth group for the 1st time. When we were at our old church building, they had a huge youth group. Something had happened with the youth leader though so youth service ended and all the youth left to different churches. A year has passed and one of the guys in church decided to become the leader and try starting it up again, so of course there were only 10 people there and worship was very basic with just one singer and an acoustic guitar. I got pretty comfortable with everyone there quick especially since I already knew some people. One girl in particular, really fell in like with me. I introduced myself to her and it's as if I was asking her to my bff forever...which I wasn't. She grabbed and held my hand during worship, and during prayer. She followed me to get tea like she couldn't get me out of her sight. She's really nice, but it made me feel a little weird. She wouldn't even let me go when I was trying to leave to go home! I hadn't held a girls hand like that in a long time though, it felt sort of nice...
One night I was remembering Crater Lake and it made me tear up. They finally ended the season and I can't imagine how my life would have been like if I actually stayed there until the end, which is what I really wanted to do. Though, those 3 months were rough and there were a lot of love/hate relationships, I still miss it a lot. To be living with wild youthful kids my age, working as a cocktail waitress with the most beautiful view ever, being super active, it was great. Far better than being stuck in an office and looking at the ugliest capitol building in America. I just wish I could go back to it all.
Random thing but I went 4 days without makeup and got so used to being able to rub my eyes that when I wore makeup again, I kept smearing it cause I had thought I wasn't wearing any. Epic fail.