Names Alesa.21.I speak my mind,therefore there are no boundaries.I am a distraught child,so I might offend you unknowingly.At the same time,I am very caring when I should not be.Cheers.

29.7.14

Day After

So, this post is just in regards to all the good memories I had the past 3 months working at Crater Lake and how it sort of changed my life.
Growing up I was never hit on by guys or was told how beautiful I was, until I got to the dorm. All the guys wanted me and I was extremely flattered by it. The sad part was that it took me a while to realize that I was only a fine piece of meat to them instead of someone they actually wanted to be with. This was my main struggle during the time I lived there. I felt consistently used but at the same time I gave them what they wanted because I kept hoping that perhaps they would come to their senses that they would want me as more than a friend...but that never changed. There were a very few who did seek out a relationship with me, but by the time I found that out, it was simply poor timing. It's hard to believe that I went from no one wanting me, to everyone wanting me, and now being back to no one wanting me again. At the same time I feel like I've escaped from this thing that kept me down and it's good to finally get away from it. I do miss having the ability to be able to cuddle with whoever I wanted in the dorm every night though, it was the best way and only time I had to bond with my friends.
So.Much.Booze.I won't forget the night I threw up after drinking almost a whole bottle of Goldshlager, and drinking all those Dead Guy Ales and Hard Ciders as well as that nasty Busche all the typical white guys would drink. I'm a pretty giggly person, but I learned that alcohol in my system made me even more giggly and louder than I already was. I don't think I ever want to drink to the point where I slur my words again.
Considering this was my first time moving out, I had no idea what kind of clothes or how much clothes to bring with me. So I pretty much stuffed half my closet in a big box because it's better to have more than less right? Wrong! I probably brought the most clothes than everyone else and I was completely embarrassed by it. I ended up sending 1/4 of it back home and still not even getting a chance to wear half the stuff I brought because you're in your work uniform %80 of the time, and %15 of the time you're just wearing pajamas. It really sucked because since I was the last roommate to move in our room, I didn't have a drawer or closet of any sort so I literally had to live out of a box. It always sucked digging for a shirt on the bottom of the box or whatever it was that I was looking for in the middle of the dark night. It made me understand how Flight Attendants live day by day out of a suitcase, and it definitely taught me to pack way less than I did. When I got home and opened my closet and drawers, my head started to hurt a lot. At the dorm I felt like I had way too much clothes out of this big box, but now I come home to even more clothes that I probably won't ever wear again so I got rid of All of it. The clothes I had in my box were things I began to cherish a little more than the stuff at home because I was away for 3 months. It really taught me that less is more.
One thing I'll dearly miss is the Umqua Hot Springs, I really loved that place and wanted to go there a lot more but time had run out which is sad. I also miss living only an hour away from my sisters and going to her place almost every weekend. I just miss Southern Oregon in general, it's a lot different than the Willamette Valley for sure. I don't know if I'd ever move to Southern Oregon since the only main cities they have are Medford and Klamath Falls which aren't the greatest, but they are still unique. I still have visions of me driving through the long winding roads through the forest, looking at all the big mountains and hills across the distance. It was simply beautiful.
The start of the season was tough because there were a lot of love/hate relationships and so much drama, that it completely ruined Crater Lake and its beauty for me. Like I mentioned before, it's the people that make the place what it is and because there was always so much negativity, it wasn't a beautiful place anymore. Now when I see pictures of Crater Lake, I just cringe. At the same time I still feel like I'm just here for a couple days then going back to work at the lodge, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's all over.
The moment I left I bawled my eyes out, it made it so much harder driving through the winding roads along the lake. I eventually cheered up a bit, but once I got home I bawled again. What really broke me down was how everyone kept telling me not leave them, and that it'd all be ok, but I still left. I left everyone behind to be miserable on their own instead of me staying there to be the one to tell them it was going to be ok when I knew that it wasn't going to be ok. I let many people down by quitting, and that's what really breaks my heart. I'm still really sensitive right now, my mum asked me if I was glad to be back home and I cried. I'm definitely not glad to be back home, but at the same time it feels like I've never left. Everything just happened so fast.
The main reason I was aiming to stay until the end was to possibly work there in the winter. All I wanted to do was work at Crater Lake in the winter, surrounded by walls of snow and a small group of people to whom I would have shared the experience with. The downside was that only people with seniority or who have done an amazing job were able to work in the winter, so I had to prove to them that I was an amazing worker. Funny how instead of that I ended up just quitting all together. We would get these things called Xtrodinary cards if you did something good, in which you were able to turn in to possibly win a prize. I got 4 all together, the first one I got was on my 2nd day at Crater Lake from the General Manager for noticing his name tag upside down across the room. I got one for helping out three different restaurant positions at the same time. One for passing health inspections in the kitchen (everyone got one cause we all helped out). And one for going above and beyond to make a specific milkshake on my own for a guest. I'd say I did pretty damn well.
One thing that really pissed me off was when my friends would always snapchat me their Dutch Bros. or Starbucks coffee drinks. They don't even realize how lucky they were to have everything available to them, including all this coffee they were buying everyday. Being stuck on a mountain, there was no Starbucks or Walmart 5 minutes away. Everything was a day trip and you had to spend a lot of extra time at all these places. It made me appreciate the little things more like a White Chocolate Mocha. It's not something I could just easily buy like it's no big deal, it makes me think how lucky I am to even be able to go anywhere now with my car, my money, and in a short amount of time. Being stuck on a mountain has made me so much more thankful. I was thankful for having the opportunity to work and live in Crater Lake, as miserable as it was. I'm thankful for all the crazy people I've met and shared this miserable experience with. I'm simply thankful now.

The End to Crater Lake

So, Friday morning I was having a good day at work...until I got a call from the manager saying I had bed bugs in my room. It was funny because the first week we were there, there also had been bed bugs but fortunately not in our room. This time we were less fortunate, and had to get enough belongings to last us for a few days until they got it cleared. Fortunately I was going to my sisters for the weekend that night so I didn't have to worry about moving to another room temporarily. As my shift was coming to an end, someone behind me says "Hey" and when I turned around, I saw that it was my cousin from Washington! I was so ecstatic to see him! I took him on a little hike to get a better view of Crater Lake, which was in fact his first time there. We both went to my sisters and it was such a blast because more of my cousins and friends from Salem had come for the weekend to visit. We all went to Lake of the Woods which was too fun, the next day we all did our own activities and I went to a pottery place with my friend to paint some cool things. It's always such a blessing to be around my friends and family. As always, our time came to an end. They left back to Salem on Sunday and I went back to Crater Lake on Monday morning before work. I was hoping our room would have been cleared of the bugs since it had been 3 days since they appeared, but I got even worse news. I asked the dorm coordinator what the situation was and her response was "Well, how do I tell you this. I'm told the guys who are suppose to clean your room are going to come tonight but I'm not sure if that will happen. Either way it could be a long process. The main problem is, there are no more spare rooms, or even a spare bed/mattress for you...I'm sorry." Long story short, I was homeless for the time being. I'm paying $8.50 a day for a room I'm vacated from as well as paying for having no where to sleep. Of course all the guys in the dorm offered me to bunk with them but, my time there was done. Over the weekend I had talked to my cousins about what was going on and how we lived day by day and it was simply inhumane. A week ago the employees had gone on strike for the way they were being treated with work and living conditions. I didn't go to the protest because I was fine with how things were going for me, but I finally realized that the reason why I was fine was because I got used to being treated like a piece of crap by HR basically. Once I heard those words that I was on my own when it came to finding somewhere to stay, I simply said "Ok, I know a place...back home to Salem." I went to my room, not caring whether it was infested with bed bugs or not, to take all my stuff out. I open the door when then my jaw dropped. There was nothing in the room, not even my fridge. Apparently they had bagged all our stuff in big blue bags and stored it in the attic, so I had to carry all my stuff down 3 stories from the attic to my car which took multiple trips. The worst part was that some of my stuff had broke and some got mixed in with my other room mates stuff, including my wad of cash from tips that I still have no idea where it is. They also didn't bother to seal my salt or sugar boxes so it spilled all inside the bag, it was complete chaos. I was appalled what they had done with our stuff, just to get our room cleared which would probably take over a week.
I remember the first day there, I had to wait 8hrs in the same room with one other girl for the HR lady to process our paper work which she didn't do until the last hour. The HR lady made it hell for me and everyone else since day one. Even as I came to unregister myself from the system, she laughed that I was leaving because I said I was tired of how things were going in the dorm especially my situation. The environment itself was bad for me in general, I was making a lot of bad decisions. I grew up always being controlled by my mum but now that I was free, I lost control of myself and got myself in a lot of crap. I was tired of it reeking of weed in the halls all the time. I was tired of getting drunk and embarrassing myself in front of everyone. I was tired of getting booty calls all the time. I was tired of all the drama. I was tired of all the stress at work. I was simply tired, and being told I had no bed to rest was enough for me to leave. It always surprised me though how many co-workers would tell me that I was too good to be working there, and that I was one of the best workers they had. It really made me feel like I was making a difference, but at the same time it made me think that if I'm really too good, than why don't I aim bigger? Most of the people there have completely ruined Crater Lake for me though, because it's the people who really make the place what it is. I just want to do a shout out to everyone I had known or worked with at Crater Lake:
Eduardo-You were the first guy I became friends with.I'll never forget the first day I arrived at the dorm and was running so hard up the hill to see the lake for the first time before the sunset.You told me not to worry about it cause I'll be seeing it everyday and that the beauty of it will die off, which was unfortunately true. I'll miss all your dirty jokes and your gangster Mexican attitude.
Jenna-You were the first person I actually got to know when we first arrived. It was nice sitting with you for 8hrs in Mazama, as miserable as it was.
Eric-You were an asshole, but a funny one too.
Travis-I thank you for going on a walk with me that one night, and offering to be my friend. I also thank you again for seeing that I'm more than just a pretty face. I really wish I had more time to get to know you, and it was a pleasure having you as my assistant manager.
Jesse-I will never forget when we laughed our asses off when I smiled with chocolate all over my teeth. You are always full of light and laughter and I will dearly miss your company.
Tom-You will always be my Dirty Frenchman, I will miss hitting on you and making old man jokes at you. I will never forget your gorgeous blue eyes and your buff arms *rawr*
Robyn-It was a pleasure having you as a room mate, though you would sometimes startle me in my sleep with your bursts of laughter, I will still miss them as well as miss you.
Damian-Your booty shakes always made me uncomfortable, but at the same time you were always such a goofball which I will miss for sure. Thanks for making all my drinks!
Archie-I won't forget all those nights we simply cuddled and watched a movie, but I'll also never forget that I was just used for your own good. I hope you still like all those Coconut Lattes Chrissy makes you, enjoy that while it lasts.
Ashley-You can take all your ex-girlfriend problems, all your boy problems, your rodent, and shove them up your ass. We had a big love/hate relationship but in the end I dreaded having you as a room mate because you would always cry over something. I may be weak, but to be that weak all the time is not normal.
Chris (with them gauges,have to be specific cause there are a billion Chris's in the damn place)-I wish I got to get to know you more. You were the only one who tried so hard to be in a relationship with me and I wish I gave it a shot if I could. I loved teasing you and calling you daddy, it always made my day.
Neztor-It's funny how one day you went from begin a stranger I asked to help carry my fridge into my room, to someone whom I had fallen in like with. I'll miss making funny and dirty faces at you at work. I'll miss your kisses and all your hugs. I'll miss seeing you at all times of the day, and poking you. I'll miss you a lot.
George-Boiii!! I'll miss saying that to you, you were the coolest dude around. I wish the best of luck to you at your new job even though it's with Andy who's a noob.
Russell-I could drool over you all day. I won't forget the time we lounged on my cozy bed, had some beers, and joked for ever. As Eduardo would say, "CHECAGO!!"
Cherice-Girl you are mighty fine.It was always a pleasure talking to you...and making you drink my Goldshlager.
Stacy (HR Lady)- You are the Devil. 'Nough said.
Ryan-Sorry for calling you Brian many times,they just sound so similar! I know we've fought a lot, and been in odd situations, and I've said this before but thank you for always being there for me. I won't forget the time we sat outside when it was snowing in June (or was it July?). As well as always kicking it in your room and watch you fail at video games...kidding of course! I hope we cross paths in the near future mate.
Osvaldo-Ryan taught me how to pronounce your name right! I never got a chance to tell you this but you have the most adorable smile ever (please don't kill me Sarah). I wish the best of luck to you and....OH HIII!

Eamonn-The first time I was told that my supervisor was named Eamonn,I pictured a short Indian guy with a heavy accent but instead, you were a short typical American dude with a baby face. I will never forget all those walks we had together at night, getting to know you more as we sat on the ledge of Crater Lake looking for shooting stars. You had taught me a lot in regards to finding happiness and avoiding trouble. You have a gorgeous smile that I won't forget and I did mean it when I said you were the best boss I ever had. I recall you telling me that you didn't want to lose me as your employee, which is why I said I was sorry that I had failed you because I chose to leave instead of staying for you. This was my first time ever failing at sticking to my word when I say that I'm reliable. I am truly sorry. I hope you get married soon because any woman would be lucky to have you.

18.7.14

Bad Spirits & Tough Love

So, just a random update I suppose. There has been a lot going on at work, like many people transferring to different positions including myself. Cocktail waitressing is one of the top positions anyone and everyone wants to have, and I was fortunate for it to be easily handed to me, but I officially gave up on it. I didn't care that I was making +$100 in tips a day, I was miserable and tired all the time because of the lack of staff we had for that position. I was fed up sweating all day and never having any time off in the day. It was just sleep and work, sleep and work. I was tired of fainting after work too because of my lack of iron. In the end, my health has become more important to me than the money. I had transferred to be a host, which can also be a tough job, but at least it doesn't require me to run around like a maniac. Hosting deals with a lot more technical issues, which I'm actually looking forward to dealing with. There have been a lot of other problems going on around in different departments, and it sort of made me think about something someone had told me once. There's a girl there who is a Klamath Native, who's relatives work at the park too. She told me that Crater Lake isn't meant for people to stay at for a long period of time. This is because the Klamath Natives found the lake first, but was claimed by another American (like Americans always do to Native Americans). To the Klamath Natives, it's a spiritual place that belonged to them but had been taken away and is now infested with tourist and workers. Ever since more and more people had begun to to show up this Summer, there have been a lot of work issues happening, workers passing out, tourist going crazy, all this weird bizarre stuff and I do believe that it's because the place isn't meant for us to stay at. Of course, as a Christian, I don't believe in all the weird spiritual stuff Native Americans do, but I do believe there are bad spirits out there.
Another thing that has been brought up to me many times is how well I do at every job I'm put at. Cocktail waitressing, bussing, hosting, anything, I'm great at without even trying. Sad thing is, it's not that I'm great at it, it's just everyone else makes it more difficult than it is or simply can't do it. Everyone wants me working in their department it's funny but unfortunately I have to let them all down because it's not something of my interest. My bosses always seem to make sure I don't plan on quitting because I stay true to my word when I say I'm reliable...
How is the love life being stuck on a mountain you might wondering, well, I do still have a crush on the same guy even though he's made it clear that it'll never happen. There's someone else who really likes me though, and is a lot different than the other guys (in a really good way) so we've been spending time together. Like I mentioned before, relationships are almost never formed at these parks cause we all know we depart at one point. Unless you're extremely committed than you'll move to the same park as your partner, or to another city if you plan on taking a break from the park life. Of course you have little to no options being stuck on a mountain, but you make the most with what you can whether that just means hanging out with someone or actually settling down with someone if it's meant to be. We don't have much time on the mountain, but that doesn't mean you should rush into any sort of relationship. No matter where you are or what situation you're in, you should always be patient with someone and just enjoy the moment with them rather than worry about what will happen in the future. Simple as that.
Also: my boobs grew bigger and I hate it. I thought they stopped growing in your mid teen years but man, that's a myth. I hate it because now all my bras cut off my circulation and I Hate bra shopping. They're all, voluptuous now? Definitely one of the down sides of being a girl. *giggles*

16.7.14

Days Spent Well

So, I finally got two days off after working seven brutal days in a row.
Day 1: I went to the hot springs but this time I went during the daytime. I had been there multiple times already but only at night which made me more curious as to how it looked like in the light. It looks so much more beautiful in the daylight because you can actually see all the tubs and all the salt in the water. I went to the very bottom tub on the bottom of the cliff which would have been impossible to get to at night. The lower you go, the colder the tub is and because it was warm out, I needed a colder tub. The one I went into was big and just the perfect temperature. These are nude springs and I was a bit nervous because it wasn't nighttime so people could see you, but I honestly did not give a crap. I stripped all the way and enjoyed every minute of it. It aint only little toddlers who enjoy being naked all the time, but us adults too. When I first came, there weren't many people, but more and more had begun to show up. There was a small group of people from Klamath Falls who joined me because there weren't any other tubs open, but they were all dressed. They were too shy to strip down which I totally understand. They also got a picture with me (no you couldn't see any of my parts in case you're wondering) because they wanted to prove to their friends that they hung out with a naked person like they had hoped for. I thought it was great, and they went about their way. I got so comfortable being naked in front of other naked people, it's almost as if you didn't even notice that none of us had clothes on. I absolutely loved it. I'm such a hippy at heart, and meeting other hippies there just felt so good. I had a grand time! Afterwards I went back to lodge to enjoy some mussels and a good cocktail. There was this young lad sitting by me and I hit up a conversation with him. He happened to be doing a road trip around America with his dog. It was so fascinating to hear where he had been and where he planned on going to next. He said he found a spot at Crater Lake to camp at, and I figured why not join him. I hadn't gone camping this Summer yet and I live in a freaking forest! It was such a good time, and his big dog was a lot of fun to play with. It made me want to buy a tent and go camping on my days off instead of going to my sisters all the time.
Day 2: I went rafting which was awesome. Yes I went by myself but I still enjoyed every minute of it. Last time I went, I went with a group of guys who did all the rowing on a big raft but this time it was just me on a long skinny raft. I was a bit nervous at first thinking I couldn't do it but it was a lot easier than I thought. I had made a couple pit stops to do some swimming and what not. For some reason it felt like forever getting to the finish point. It literally took me 3 hours to get through it all and by the 2nd hour I was just done. I got a great tan out of it though which was what I was aiming for. Afterwards I went to Medford to look for a tent which was quite the fail, but I ended up buying other unnecessary stuff. I wanted to get back to the lodge to have some mussels but only had an hour before they closed, and it takes an hour from Medford to get to Crater Lake. I was speeding like no other, I'm surprised I didn't get pulled over or hit any deer. I made it just in the knick of time and had myself some good ol' mussels.
These past two days had been a lot of fun and definitely brought my mood back up a lot after what I had gone through earlier. I love that I can have so much fun just by being by myself.
Here are some photos from my adventures!







Break Down

So, my parents had finally came to visit me. Unfortunately I wasn't given the weekend off as I requested to spend time with them, because someone else had beat me to it. So I just had to spend the little time off I had in between work shifts with them. The night they came we went to the hot springs which was a super chill time as always. We drove all the way back to Klamath Falls where they were staying with my sister, and had to wake back up in a few hours to go back to Crater Lake cause they were going on a boat tour and I had to get back to work. My mum had left me some of her home made crepes cause I said I had been craving them since I came here. She also gave me a huge bucket of hand picked blueberries, and bought me a couple avocados. I was so happy! After they had left, my world somehow turned upside down. I took a bite of the crepe and completely broke down crying. It was really bad timing too because I had to get to work, and on my way there I still had tears running down my face. Once I got there, I finally relaxed but once I stepped out in the lodge, I broke down again. I ran to the bathroom but along the way all my co-workers and my boss saw how terrible I looked. I've never cried that hard in my life, it looked as if I had lost someone dear to me. I sobbed in the bathroom for a while but finally got myself together and went back up. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong but it only made things worse, especially since I couldn't explain the situation to them because none of them would understand. My boss had called me to see him and asked what was wrong. Reality hit me, that's what was wrong.
I didn't realize how much I'd miss my parents after they left, it was that bad. Not only that but I feel like I've let them down a huge ton. They expected me to be married by 18 and moved out with a handsome Ukrainian devil, have a proper career by now, and having their grandchildren already. That's what we're raised to believe and do, and yet I've strayed away from that. I gave Slavic kids my age hope that you don't have to wait until marriage to move out, but it's a really unusual, hard feeling especially since all you knew your whole life was dependency rather than independence. Of course my parents don't hate me for doing what I do, but I know they aren't too proud either. My parents have never been proud of the stuff I did besides my art work, which they were wanting to pay for me to go to Art Institute of Portland which I quickly turned down. They've done so much for me and I'm very fortunate to have parents like them, but I don't feel deserving at all of their love, time, and money put in me because of how little I returned to them. Of course I wish I could go back and change the way things were, but I know that even if I did that, I wouldn't be happy. I enjoy living in Southern Oregon, on a beautiful mountain, but it's definitely tough. Who knew that my first time moving out from my parents would be out in the middle of no where. I thought having solitude would help but instead it's just making me go crazy and doing regretful things. I don't ever want to move back with my parents, I just wish I wasn't raised to be dependent on them all the time. It's very tough, but it's getting a little bit better as the days go by.

4th of July 2014

So, first off, Hi, Sorry it's been quite some time.
I had been fortunate enough to get a proper 3 day weekend off on July 4th. I missed out on a lot of firework shows in the past because I had always been involved at kids camp. They always had it on July 4th weekend which sucked because no fireworks are allowed there, so we missed out on a lot of firework shows. I don't volunteer there anymore so now I can enjoy 4th of July and blow some stuff up. Though I do live on a mountain that's federal property, fireworks are obviously not allowed too but there's a lake close by that does a big firework show. My original plan was to go to that lake but my sister brought up that some guys from Salem were going to Redding, CA to watch their firework show, so we decided to tag along. After driving 4.5hrs alone to Crater Lake, any drive shorter than that seems like nothing to me anymore. It was a 2.5hr drive from my sisters to Redding. When we finally got there, there were a ton of people! The main exit to the show had been closed off so we circled the place over and over again to find a spot to watch the show. We ended up finding this hill that many people were on and patiently waited. The show had begun and all I can say is that it was not worth driving so far to watch something that lame. Californians are so weird too, no one was oooohing or ahhhing, the crowd was just dead silent. We couldn't wait for it to be over, and once it finally ended we went to In-N-Out. Last time I remember having In-N-Out, it was as good as everyone made it out to be but this time I was pretty disappointed. I think my favorite burger place is Little Big Burger in Portland. Their truffle fries are to die for and their burgers are delicious. Afterwards we went to this one park that had a glowing bridge just like the one in San Diego. I really needed to go to the bathroom but all the public bathrooms were locked so I said screw it, I'm going in the bushes. As I was walking towards a bush, something popped out of it. "SKUNK!!!!!!" I shouted and we all ran for our lives to the car. I had never in my life seen a skunk at a local park, let alone two! We were driving out slowly so that they wouldn't spray us and we saw a few more pop out of bushes. Redding is definitely one of the sketchiest places I've visited and I never want to go back there again.
It was a long tiring drive back to my sisters but we made it alive. Overall my 4th of July had it's ups and downs, but at least there were those ups.

6.7.14

Orange is the New Black...& how I can relate.

So, I’m sitting in my sisters backyard, drinking a strawberry daiquiri, watching the sun set over the dry hills as the pelicans fly above and the clouds turning pink. This beats every minute of being at Crater Lake. One of my favorite shows is Orange is the New Black but it makes me sad because of how much I could relate to it. I just wanted to share how and why I feel like I’m in a low security prison, in comparison to that show.
We all live in a small room with 3-4 other people in small twin sized beds. I’m used to sleeping on a twin bed because that’s what I’ve had all my life, but I’m still not used to sleeping with others in the same room. Though we do have rooms with walls, it feels like we don’t have any walls (like in the show) because of how much rumors, drama, and gossip spreads through the dorm on a daily basis.
Our dorm has mixed genders, so instead of girls trying to get girl on girl action, it’s all them boys trying to get into any girls pants they can get…or at least see some cleavage for the rather unfortunate looking guys. 
The food is probably worse than prison sometimes. I mean, at least in Orange is the New Black they have jello. I would kill to have someone serve us cherry jello. Even though we get the food for around $3, the taste and quality is just as cheap too. It’s not worth it at all but when you have no other options, you just consume whatever you can get.
Work is rough on most days and it’s only getting worse because of how much more tourist we’re getting. I’m starting to think that it’s not worth all the sweat and stress, especially one who’s anemic and can’t breath after a few hours of non-stop running across the lodge. When people ask me if I enjoy the work I do, I say that it’s just a job, not something I love or would probably do again. 
I can relate a lot to Piper Chapman from the show. I feel like I’m the only normal white girl with some brains and moral values. But it’s rough because everyone wants a piece of me, when really I don’t just give out people pieces of me. I give my all to one person, but I still have not found that person yet. I came to Crater Lake a better person than I am now, because living there has made me go crazy just like Chapman. 
Visiting my sister on my days off is equivalent to having furlough days as a prisoner. I feel free and my normal self. I can do normal white girl stuff like sit at the coffee shop and buy useless crap at Wal-Mart. One thing I am fortunate for is the fact that I live close to my sister, because now we get to spend more time with each other which is nice. 
I just try to get through each day on the mountain without killing someone, it’s rough. 

1.7.14

Church, people, and other stuffs.

So, it's been quite some time since I posted an update on my 'chaotic' life. It's funny that the last two posts were about how great things were going, and yet my friends tell me how sad they seem along with the photos I post? It's almost as if they know me better than I know myself. I'd like to think things are going good but in reality it's been tough. I despise having to work from around 1pm to 10pm because I never have any free time before or after to do anything cool. I'm stuck on the mountain not because I don't have a car but because my work shifts suck and that's all we have. By the time I'm done with work, everyone is drunk at the dorm so I don't have much to do. I could change positions so that I'd only work in the mornings or late evenings, but I admit I'm sort of hooked on getting tips. Of course it's nice to make some extra cash to spend on whatever!
Normally we have 3-4 of us working but there was one day I'll never forget. I came in and one other person is suppose to come at the same time I did, but no one was according to the schedule. So I was working alone for about an hour until the second person and the third person came. It was a really busy day, and a couple hours later one of the workers got really sick so she left. As for the third person, he was scheduled until 7:30pm and he doesn't normally like to take too many customers so I was stuck with just about everyone. Like I said, it was a really busy day and I thought I was going to kill someone because I was left all alone to take care a room full of people. I had a hard time breathing, I couldn't smile anymore, I couldn't take one step without someone stopping me trying to take an order. Halfway through, I broke down and began to cry. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and unlike my previous job as the Deli Queen at Willamette University where I knew it only lasted 3.5hrs, we serve food/drinks for 8hrs in the day here. Once it was all over though, I was able to smile again because of how much tips I made and just that it was all over with.
You might be woundering if I have my eye on anyone and I can say yes, yes I do...but it's a bit tough. It's tough liking someone who isn't the relationship/committed type person. It's tough liking someone that could get any girl with a single wink. It's tough liking someone who gives me mixed emotions. For example, there's days we would talk at work and have some good laughs, but there are days where he won't even bother to say Hi even when I'm standing right next to him? And yet he messages me everyday telling me to have a good day...It's tough liking someone I'm only going to be working with for a few more months. I'm not exactly sure what I'm fighting for considering it seems like he has no intentions for anything more than a friendship, yet sometimes he acts like he does want something. I hate it yet it's hard to ignore because I like him.
I finally had a Sunday off where I was able to go to a church just 35min away from Crater Lake. It's always a little nerve wrecking going to a new church for the first time, but I missed going to church. It was a typical non-denominational American church that has worship for over an hour and a 15min sermon about how life is tough so seek Jesus. That's really why I'm not the biggest fan of non-denominational American churches even though I went to one for a while. I miss my Slavic church in Portland, though I'm sure many people there haven't even noticed I've been gone even if I've been going there since I was 16. That also goes for my youth group that I've been going since I was 16, no one from there has contacted me at all. You would think the youth leaders would be curious about how I'm doing in regards to how I'm doing spiritually, but no one from there has asked. To my surprise, kids from another youth group have asked how I've been doing! Kids that aren't even from my youth group! It sort of made me realize who really cared and who didn't. I learned that it doesn't matter how long you've been going to a church, it's the individuals inside that church that make the difference. You can call yourself a Christian but what have you done or how do you live life to be able to deserve such a title? Spiritually, I'm a wreck, but that's all I can say.
On my days off I went to my sisters as usual and helped her move stuff into their new place. I'm just as excited about their new place as they are because it's so much bigger and will be cluster free unlike their current place. I also bought a body pillow which is a really long pillow I can cuddle with! Living in a small dorm on a mountain, I've sort of became addicted to cuddling? Everyone always wants me to cuddle with them because I'm one of the best cuddlers ever. At the same time, I'm tired of holding broken souls. I also can never fall asleep when cuddling with other people so I've had enough sleepless nights. This pillow is by far the best thing I've ever bought. Before I left home, I went to the coffee shop in downtown Klamath Falls. One thing I always think about is how much I just want to sit at a coffee shop with a good cup of coffee, surf the web as I people watch while listening to lounge/jazz music. I love it and take every opportunity I can to spend some alone time in a busy coffee shop.
Overall, life is simply complicated at the moment.

21.6.14

Crazy Happy Week

So, this week had been just full of fun! Normally we get a 2 day weekend, but I somehow got five days off this week (not in a row though) and I was pretty excited by it.
Monday: I went down to Klamath Falls, OR even though my sister wasn't in town. I went to get a haircut which turned out quite alright. Went to the same park that I always do to go on the swings. Stocked up on things at Walmart and went to a cafe in downtown to kill time before I got to see 22 Jump Street in theaters. For it being a day all to myself, I managed to do a lot! I had a really good time even though my sister wasn't in town.
Tuesday: I was back at my dorm and didn't really have anything planned, but when I saw my Moldavian mate I told him and the other Moldavian kid that we were going to hike Garfield Peak. Last time I went up on it, you were only able to do 1/4 of it because it was still covered in a lot of snow. There was still quite a bit of snow, but we managed to get passed through it and an hour and a half later, we got to the very top. The view from the top is incredible! You could just stare out into the distance for hours. We were so happy to have done it because that's the whole point of living in Crater Lake is taking advantage of all the outdoor activities it provides.
Wednesday: I worked but surprisingly it was a lot of fun because one of the restaurant bussers transferred to be a cocktail waitress and she's too funny. It was a really easy going day and I made some really good tips considering it was only the middle of the week. That same night, I got a Facebook message from a lad I met at my cousins wedding in Washington. I remember hanging out with him that same night of their wedding, but never imagined I'd see him again. Apparently he had been in the area and has always wanted to see Crater Lake, so he came on by! It was bizarre because he's my first visitor that I know which isn't someone I would have expected to be my first. We went to the hot springs which was amazing as always. He spent the night in my dorm room (we had a spare bed) because we got back at 3am from the hot springs and there was no way I was going to make him drive.
Thursday: We woke up and had lunch at the restaurant. I was so excited to finally be able to dress up and go on a proper lunch date with someone. As a FOB by heart, it's normal for me to get all dressed up and what not but my co-workers were wowed by my simple yet elegant outfit. After we had some amazing food, I took him a little ways up Garfield Peak to some of the viewpoints. I'm so used to seeing the lake everyday so it doesn't amaze me all that much anymore, but I get enough joy from seeing peoples reaction when they look at the lake. We finally departed our own ways, him to Washington and I to Medford, OR with my Moldavian mate for some proper shopping at the mall! I was so excited to go the Victorias Secret Semi Annual sale and surely enough I bought myself quite a few things. I also bought a henna kit at one of those weird hippy stores because I've been dying to do something artsy/craftsy lately. I did an awesome henna tattoo on my leg with it too and am hoping to master it a little more. It's so funny seeing someone go through their first American shopping experience too! We had a long tiring day at the mall and headed back to our dorm.
Friday: I went to my sisters for the day and hung out with her and her husband for the most part. It was really chill which is always good.
Saturday: I worked as a breakfast host for the first time. I forgot how much it sucked waking up so damn early, but I was looking forward to doing something new and getting out early too. I was a bit nervous but I quickly got the hang of it and everything was going smoothly...until Lunch hit. Apparently we had a tour group of 45 people coming in, that my manager thought was coming in next month. They were told about it 40min before lunch started and oh my goodness all my managers and the cooks were freaking out. To be honest, I had no idea what they were all freaking about. We just had to pre-set 45 seats with waters, salads, and food which is what I've done for over a year as a catering server. We've had a lot worse situations when I was a caterer too so this was nothing to me. We sat the tour group first, than allowed regular guests go in at the few tables we had opened. The waiting list for lunch grew so long so fast it was crazy, but I breezed right through it and everyone was happy. My boss called me into the kitchen and said I was doing so damn well that he let me eat one of the extra lunch dishes that had fresh rice, green beans, and trout! The food at the restaurant is quite pricey but is always delicious, and it was even more delicious since I got it free. I was so happy that I even had the biggest smile on my face. I sort of devoured the food to quickly though because it gave me a pretty bad stomach ache, but it was too good not to eat fast. I was just so confused by how proud my boss and co-workers of me for hosting breakfast/lunch...it's literally the easiest thing I've ever done. Apparently the other hostesses just suck that much? I have no idea, but it was great. After I got off my shift I went straight to my sisters and am spending the weekend with her.
Overall, it's been a great week full of travel and good vibes.

13.6.14

Happiness Found

So, yesterday I was feeling like complete crap and was just completely hateful towards everyone at work and at the dorm. It all happened after I thought a boy here wanted to seek out a relationship with me but he said he was actually just wanting to bang me like I'm some soulless girl without a care of being used for such an act. It made me sick to my stomach because I realized that's how everyone here must see me as. I was quiet and bitter towards everyone at work, and my co-workers had been gossiping at the idea of me wanting to transfer to another position. Doesn't sound like a big deal but it almost seemed like my co-workers wanted me to leave so that their friend could get my position or something stupid. My bosses were even told about how I thought about moving to another position and they weren't happy about it because they want me to stay with them, which I will. One of my bosses noticed something was bugging me and had invited me to go out on a walk with him. He promised not to ask any questions, but it was so bizarre because the things he was telling me was spot on with how I was feeling.
In the Slavic culture I was raised in, we were always taught to be dependent on each other. That's why we don't move out until we get married because first you become dependent on your parents (and they will provide) and then when you get married, you become dependent on your spouse. There's really no point of independence unless you temporarily move for college. So I've always been stuck in this mind set of putting someone before me, taking care of them and trying to make them happy because that's what made me happy. For many years I've been this way, but it wasn't only until the talk with my boss that I realized I had been doing it wrong this whole time.
I care too much about how people are and I think that's what effects me so much. The way most people view each other and life in general makes me mad, but why should I care? As long as I don't get involved with their beliefs or just them overall, I'm fine.
The number one thing everyone needs to learn is to be happy with themselves, that doesn't involve other people in your life. I'm not saying be selfish by banging around with no care for how the other person feels because only your own happiness matters...which is how everyone in this damn dorm is. Life doesn't begin when you're in a relationship or when you get married, it begins the day you were born. Happiness is found in multiple ways, it just all depends on the person to find what makes them happy.
It's tough living with people who've been raised with no good morals even if they seem like good people. I can't relate with anyone because of their lack of understanding with almost everything. I really want to make friends here but it's almost impossible because you're either a friend with benefits or nothing. In the end, screw everyone here. Going hiking, thinking about how God created this beautiful world, and doing my own thing is enough to make me happy.

12.6.14

24hrs of Non-Stop Fun (& other stuffs)

So, after my shift at work, I gathered my things and went to Umpqua Hot Springs. I haven't been to the hot springs in a while. My parents would go all the time year around but I was just never a fan of sitting in hot water out in the open (until now that is) because that's all I ever did as a kid. Me and my co-workers left late at night and as we were driving, we noticed a small pick up truck got stuck in the ditch. Surprisingly my co-workers knew the young couple from out of town. We were the only ones who had driven by since an hour prior to when they got stuck. Fortunately with 4 guys they managed to push the small pick-up out of the ditch which was awesome. We continued on our way to the hot springs and I have to admit, it's one of the coolest hot springs I've ever seen. There are little hot pools dug up on the side of this hill that went down to the river. I really want to go during the daytime so I could see it a lot better than night, but one thing is it's known for all the nudist. I've never been out somewhere with nude people but fortunately there wasn't anyone there, and my co-workers kept their shorts on. As for me, let's just say, it felt so nice being shirtless in a hot spring in the dark. Two of the guys that came with us, it was their very first time in a hot spring. It was crazy to me because they're in their late 20's-early 30's! The first time I went to a hot spring I was probably 2 years old and went every year.  We got back to our dorm at 03:30 and had to wake up in 5 hours for our next adventure. It was brutal.
This isn't my photo (got it from Google) but this is Umpqua Hot Springs in the daytime. We got to soak under that little roof :3

Once we woke up, we headed to Rouge River in Shady Cove, OR for some water rafting! I have never gone rafting before so I was extremely nervous and scared, but it was a Class 1 rafting meaning it's so easy to do that a bunch of 15 year old kids could do it themselves. The rafting I've seen on TV was always so extreme (Class 4-5) but this was nothing compared to that. It was a lot of fun and we'd always make pit stops to swim in the water and get our tan on. Afterwards we ate at a Mexican restaurant that gave me the biggest tummy ache ever as good as the food was. Then we went to Rouge Valley Mall in Medford, OR which I haven't been to in years. The first time I've been there was with my sister and all I remembered was how big and nice the mall was, but how so little people were ever there. It still remains that way, and I wounder how the mall is still in business with having so little customers. I've mentioned this many times before but after being stuck on a mountain for days, it feels so nice to do normal white people things like go to the mall and drink Starbucks. I want to revisit their mall once we get paid so I could do some proper shopping.

*This next paragraph is a bit explicit, just a heads up.*
The more I'm getting to know the guys and girls in and around the dorm, the more they make me sick. As the days go by I start to think that I want to be in a relationship again, but the way these people view others is disturbing. They just view each other as sex objects and fuck buddies (which is beyond me) because we're only here for a couple months. I grew up believing and being taught that you shall only commit to one person and that things take time, but everyone here believes that there's no such thing as commitment and that there is no such thing as taking time. It's ridiculous the amount of guys here who just want to bang me only because I'm 'cute', not because they actually want to seek anything more beyond that. There are married couples here who have met working at another park for this company, so there is such thing as finding true love here rather than a temporary bang buddy. There's so much to do out here like hiking and exploring but most of these kids didn't have that growing up and are only used to staying indoors causing trouble, but that's what makes you go crazy. Being here for more than 7 days starts to make me go crazy so I have to go out and do something to replenish my soul and mind. I never thought this would be a poisonous environment to live in because it's out in nature. It really sucks but all I can do is avoid these troubled people and pray I make it out alive.

7.6.14

Stubborn and Prideful

So, my mum had called me and told me that my aunt, uncle, and all their children in Slovyansk have fled to Kiev because a bomb had landed in their backyard causing the windows to shatter, half the roof to collapse, and spraining my cousins arm. I still have two other aunt and uncles, and a few cousins in Slovyansk who have been given the opportunity to flee the city, but they don't want to because it's the only place they can call home. After she told me that, I went to sleep and remembered walking down the dirt roads where my grandmother lived before she passed. A ton of peach and plum trees growing along the sides of the roads, with birds flying and stray dogs playing. Everything was green, sunny, and fresh, everyone always said hello to one another and helped each other out. I would always laugh and enjoy playing with my grandmothers dog Rex...but now it's a dark place.
Since the war began, there is no electricity or water throughout the whole city. Everyone is hiding in their torn down homes from all the bombs. No more sunshine, only a dark gloomy cloud caused by smoke from fire. The green plants are dead because there is no water to provide to them. I began to sob in my sleep, for over an hour. I remember when the protest first began in Southern Ukraine, I told myself that if my family were to get hurt I would be outraged, in which I am and it hurts. It hurts that I can't do anything about it but pray. It hurts that my other family members won't leave the war zone because of their own stupidity to stay there. Ukrainians are stubborn and prideful people, but if people are dying because of it, it would be stupid Not to flee. I remember always watching WWII documentaries and movies in history class, but I never ever imagined that I would have to suffer the same pain those people did knowing that their family was getting hurt in war for ridiculous reasons. I could never forgive Russia or Putin for manipulating Eastern Ukraine for having this 'option' to pick a side, because now it has destroyed the only place my family had. I will be outraged if anyone refers me as "Russian" again because now I see them as only being filthy Nazi's. If any Russian tells me what is going on there is for the best, I will spit in their face. I am never an angry child, but when my family gets hurt by anyone, I'm sure anyone could understand how upsetting it is.
I ask that you may pray for my family there, and that they will survive.