Names Alesa.22.I speak my mind,therefore there are no boundaries.I am a distraught child,so I might offend you unknowingly.At the same time,I am very caring when I should not be.Cheers.

30.8.15

Undecisive

So, one thing about me is I'm a very undecisive person. A bit strange considering I've had the same goals since I was a child and although I haven't reached them yet, they're still the same goals. That aside, when it comes to deciding what job I want, if I want to be in a relationship, or even what kind of ice cream I want if I had to choose one...I cannot for the life of me make a decision so quickly. When I did my oath in front of a few of the upper people at the base I was in, I was shaking because I was making a decision I wasn't %100 on. What's more stupid is I want to renlist if I can but have a good feeling I'd want to leave again. I think it has to do with running out of patience. I want to know how something or who someone is like and once I find out, I want to go search for something or someone else because I get bored with the same thing. Horrible horrible habit. 
What's new? Well I guess I haven't spoken about my new car yet. I was at the point where I didn't care what car I got anymore, as long as I didn't have to drive mine that I had for 4 years and was slowly but surely dying on me. My brother-in-laws brother rebuilds and sells cars for what I think are pretty good deals. He had one that I figured I'd go ahead and get, but of course my dad said no. I hadn't saved for a car so I needed to borrow money from my parents, and although it always pissed me off when he'd say no to a car I wanted, I had to respect his decision at the same time. My dad ended up finding the same car on craigslist a couple hours later, it was newer, had Way less miles on it, and was 2k above my budget. Although doing anything over my budget pains me, I admit it was a pretty good deal so I got it. I'm still getting used to the little things, one thing I don't like at all is even though it has good gas mileage and only costs me $25 to fill up, it has a small tank so I have to fill up twice as often as I did before. It's really annoying and it's terrible when the nearest gas station is another 20 miles and you dont know if you'll make it. I also have to pay my dad back and it could take me up to a year which is in such a long time, I want it to go by so quickly and painlessly. 
You know what I don't understand, is when a guy tells me he wants nothing more but to be with me...than leaves me not long after? I feel like it's completely twisted as in they ought to say they want nothing more but to be with me After seeing each other for at least a month. It seems like in my situations it's always the opposite. The majority of guys I've dated ended up leaving me in the end (I only left 1 guy), for various reasons that have nothing to do with there being anything wrong with me. I feel as though there is something wrong with me that they don't want to say to avoid hurting my feelings, but it hurts more when I don't know the truth. People always ask how I don't have a boyfriend because supposably I'm so awesome, and my only response is "I really don't know." Being friendzoned sucks, but everything happens for a reason. It's weird being alone, I haven't been alone in so long. It's something I ought to get used to though, perhaps I'll go without anyone for over a year. I've also decided to take a different approach on dating, one that doesn't necessarily envolve men at all. 
I really want to take a short roadtrip in my car before Oregon decides to do nothing more but to piss on us for many months ahead. I honestly do not miss the rain at all, and I don't love heat either but my biggest thing are dry roads. Driving in the rain is something one will never get used to. 
I hope I eventually stop overthinking things, and not taking everything way too personal. 

23.8.15

My encounter with a Mormon

So, I went to my 3rd and final wedding of the year. I personally am not a fan of weddings for multiple reasons, the main one being how much I wished I were married. I suppose that's more of a personal problem. The first two weddings were of my friends and the third one was of my cousins which was the best wedding I've ever been to! It made me so glad I didn't go to boot camp cause I would have really regretted missing it. There was an interesting couple I had met at my cousins wedding (which had roughly 300 people). He was co-workers with the groom, and we randomly hit up a conversation when we were sitting at these couches as we waited for the ceremony and reception to start. This couple was in their mid 30's and were both very well educated and well off. One thing he said that struck me was that he's never been to a wedding in his life, because as mormons it's very different. I was really surprised and almost saddened that they've never been to a traditional wedding before! Afterward we got to talking a lot about Mormonism (of course), they were definitely devote mormons. It brings me back to the time when a Jehova Witness girl tried to convert me to their beliefe system for nearly a year until I told her to give up, never heard from her after. Not that Mormons or Jehova Wittnesses are the same, but they do believe in the more work you do the better your chances are in getting to a higher level in heaven. Going door to door is one of those works. He briefly explained to me what their biggest beliefe is and that is only when the 12 apostols are alive, do people have a chance to grow in the grace of God and go to heaven. That is why God and Jesus (who supposably are two individuals) came down from Heaven "in person" a few hundred years ago to a man named Joseph Smith. They clearly told him he needs to build his own church and recruit 12 apostols so that people can continue being saved. I admit I was a bit dumb founded, for I had no idea that's where Mormonism came from. 
God, who clearly says in the Bible, has never revealed himself only to Adam (and Moses I believe)...came down to a random dude named Mr.Smith? God, who is the same as Jesus and the Holy Spirit, came down with Jesus who is basically himself? I was curious to know more. He told me why Joseph Smith was originally the one chosen for such a great task, and how organized the mormon church is. One question I asked, that threw him and his wife off, was "What about the millions of people who were alive between the last apostol who died from the Bible times, and the first 'apostol' who came forth from the modern times. Since no apostol was alive, were none of them saved?" which ultimately results them in going to hell. He just recited what the Bible had said about apostols and that's it, not necessarily giving me a more logical answer. 
I ultimately found it fascinating what they believed, no judgement at all. But after speaking to them and getting to know their religious beliefes, there's no way I'd ever be mormon. Although, I do believe more Christian should do more works for Jesus but technically they already are. 
I also realized how much I actually enjoy Theology and learning different denominations and religions. Not to say I'd ever convert from what I am to something else, I stay firm in what I believe. I guess to me it's interesting to see why people have such firm beliefes in what their church teaches, when to me it sounds like nonsense. Why do they get such a different response in their prayers about Joseph Smith being this lucky guy who got to meet God and Jesus and the answer I get from my prayer is that Joseph Smith just had a dream and people actually believed him? Ha who knows!

12.8.15

No Idea

So, I keep forgetting to blog when I want to.
A week ago I was suppose to fly out to boot camp which I still fear. I can't imagine sleeping in tiny bunks and being yelled at everyday, but I'm told it's actually funny. I regret joining the military but I also regret leaving. I feel as though if I get the option to join again I would, I just couldn't go to boot camp so soon because of the new job I had started. 
As for my job I still really like it but I had something crazy happen. One day someone reminded me of becoming a flight attendant and that I should still give it a shot. I decided to look up Alaska Airlines to see if they were hiring and to my surprise they were, and the biggest surprise is that it's a full time position based in Portland! I went ahead and applied for it, thinking I'd most likely get denied as I always have been. A few days later I got an e-mail saying I'm invited for a video interview! I was so ecstatic! I had never done a video interview before and you only got 1 minute to answer each question which I felt was too little but I did my best. Again, I thought I'd get denied after until I got a phone call a few days later. The AA Recruiter said I had scored the highest out of everyone and that they want nothing more but for me to come to an in person interview in Seattle. I hadn't squeeled that much in so long! Of course this was exciting but creates a huge problem. Do I really want to go on with my dream of being a flight attendant or continue working for the State knowing I have stability? Only time will tell.
As for the love life, it's a complete mess. I don't think I've ever had so many guys and girls wanting to be in a relationship with me, it sucks. Girls always complain about no one wanting them but it's worse when everyone wants to be with you. I've hung out with different individuals, mostly rekindling with old friends or ex's, but I'm starting to think that's not so smart. I ought to meet new people and forget the past as hard as it is. Hard to move on when the past is holding on tight to your ankle. 
Things have just been so complicated, as in I never had to deal with different people and jobs wanting me all at once. It just makes me wish I didn't open myself up to meeting so many new people and applying to awesome jobs cause when it comes to making a decision, I'm the most undecisive person ever! Not only that but I'm weak to temptation and enjoy any sort of attention, but at the same time I just want to be left alone, locked up in my little apartment with no connection to anyone. 
I just have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

5.7.15

You need to make friends

So, I went to church as usual even though I was sunburnt like crazy and every move was torture, but I really wanted to sing some awesome worship songs. Just like any typical Sunday at church, I walk in without talking to anyone cause I hardly know anyone, sit at my usual spot in the front middle and fiddle around on my phone until service begins. This time though was a bit different because the pastors wife approached me while I was sitting and asked if I had any friends at church. I sat silently for a moment and quietly said "No". She said she notices that all I do is come and go without stopping to say Hi or conversing with anyone, and she understands that I may just be coming to have alone time with Jesus but it's been 6 years and I don't really know anyone. I'm surprised of how many people actually know of me and even know my name when I don't know them. She was right, but little does she know that I've tried but failed.
I'm utterly shy when it comes to meeting new people even within my own church and I have tried, but clearly I'm still alone. Russians aren't easy to make friends with even if you've seen them a billion times, you only become friends if you have a family there or grew up together since childhood, not when you're in your late teens/early 20's all by yourself. I've opened doors for people at church and the women would never thank me for it. I've said Hello to people who would say Hi back than turn around and continue chit chatting with their own group of friends. Truth is I'm not meant to be friends with anyone at my own church because it seems like I'm not compatible with anyone which is fine, I'm far used to being alone my whole life as it is.
Don't get me wrong, I WISH I had friends at church. I wish I could come and hug people every Sunday. I wish I had a husband to come to church with. I wish I was super happy seeing everyone...but that's a mere wish that will less likely ever be fulfilled. For now it is just me and Jesus, and for now that is all it will be.
Truth hurts

28.6.15

I just want...

I just want to hold your hand, even when you are drunk.
I just want to kiss you, even when you tell me to f*ck off. 
I just want to cuddle with you, even when you easily get mad.
I just want to stroke my hand through your hair, even when you are high.
I just want to go on trips together, as jealous as you are.
I just want to tell the world about you, even when you easily get annoyed.
I just want to be with you, as much as you know that you're not for me.
You left me because you did not want to change the horrible person your ex made you.
You left me because mentally you are too young for me.
You left me because you are weak and I am strong...
Yet, I still want to be with you because of the abundant amount of Hope I have and because I know the loving and caring person you once were still lurks inside your heart. It's only a matter of time that all that you are and all that you do now will soon be a thing of the past. 
I know this because I've prayed everyday for you and your health. 
Although you may not be religious, I know God has never given up on me when I'm in my lowest state so I know he won't give up on you either.

19.6.15

Permanent State Job

So, after applying to nearly 30 State jobs since last October when I began as a temp for the Oregon Health Authority with 5 interviews (and more to come), I finally landed myself a permanent job. What’s funny is that it’s completely opposite from what I do, but I am excited at the fact that it deals with Transportation which is what my original field of study is.
Currently I’m a limited duration Human Services Specialist 2 Lead for the Oregon Health Authority, which has been more or less a nightmare. I figured this would have been a great opportunity when my original managers offered it to me but it only took me a few days to realize it wasn’t for me. Helping out a staff of 140 to process applications that I learned to do in a week when I was a temp, but has been taking them weeks-months to learn for no apparent reason. I felt so out of place being 22 and teaching people double my age how to do their job, and then later on down the road people began to complain about my personality and all this nonsense that I’ve never had to deal with in the 4 years I’ve been working. Although I’m very good at hiding my stress and outside problems at work, I truly felt as though I started to show it without realizing it. I had become impatient, stressed, confused, and lost trust in everyone I tried so hard to teach how to do a simple procedure.  I was very thankful for having my current job and simply having any job, but it was definitely taking a toll on me that wasn’t something I should or ought to be handling. I had fought hard to go back to where I originally came from because as a lead, I did not feel as though it was benefiting me at all because I never plan on being a manager. I had the option to step down as a lead but my original managers kept brushing my request off, as if I really didn’t have a choice. Quitting wasn’t an option either because I had moved out and needed the money and I am getting paid fairly well for a 22 year old!
As I began to get interview after interview, I gained a little hope that perhaps soon I’d get to leave my job and move forward to something new where I got to work independently and have my own cubicle. I quickly lost that hope after speaking to some of my workers about state interviews and some had gone to over 20 interviews and got nothing besides the temp job they have now. I had 7 interviews lined up, 6 of them being related to Human Services Specialist for DHS and 1 of them as an Office Specialist for the DMV Headquarters. To be honest I did not want to work for DHS but my experience was closely related to what they do. Surprisingly I did not get a job with any of the first 3 interviews I had with DHS. The 4th interview I had was at the DMV Headquarters and I felt like it went pretty well, and they had invited me back for the second round which consisted of a long skills test. At that point I thought I for sure wouldn’t get the job because I completely botched the test. A few days later I went on my 5th interview with DHS and at that point I just didn’t care if I got the job or not, I just went through with the interview and hung out for a bit before going back to work. A day later I got a call from the DMV Headquarters, offering me the job. I couldn’t believe it, I was literally jumping up and down when they told me. It was just so bizarre that the place I least likely expected to be at but was really hoping I’d get, I ended being at. Although my relationship with God has been on and off, I truly feel like this was something He had done. The best part is I’ll be getting paid the same, won’t have to have any human interaction or manage any team, get to work independently (once I’m completely trained), and I get my own high wall cubicle. I am so stoked! The only downside is having to drive about 8 minutes to work which is nothing but it was nice to walk two blocks to work. I begin the first of July and I simply cannot wait to move on to something completely new.

6.6.15

Departure from a Dream

So, I went to my last drill ever. Of course I have a billion feelings and thoughts going through my mind about whether or not I did the right thing to submit my letter of voluntary separation from the guard. I knew for a fact I was going to cry and I held it together really well until I had to talk to one of the lieutenants. He was the one who did my "swearing in" speech in front of an F-15, and now he's signing my paper for my separation so it hurt to see him have to go through that along with myself. He had me explain everything as to why I didn't want to be there anymore and although it had to do a lot with the poor timing of being sent to basic and tech school, I became fearful of simply being a part of this organization. Not only that, but seeing what they'll be doing in Eastern Europe alongside Ukraine. With I think about my family in Ukraine, I always cry because of all the struggle they have been going through with the war. So when I explained that, that'd when the tears started rolling. "Unfortunately, that is the reality of our job" he said so now that I've seen the reality of being in the military, I just wanted out. It's surprising how many friends and family have been supportive of me resigning over going through with it, it honestly makes me sad a bit.
I just can't help but wounder WHY God does what He does. I fought so hard to accomplish my dreams and goals of being in aviation and traveling the world, but I'm not going anywhere and all the opportunities I took just went down the drain as if it were never meant to be in the first place. Am I not deserving of living my dream as a pilot? Am I meant to be trapped in this crap town and live single for the rest of my life? I will never understand. For now, I shall mourn my departure from reality and continue living this life the way I never intended for it to be. Than again, these aren't my decisions, but the man above.

24.5.15

Wisdom

So, because I recently got dual medical insurances I figured why not get all my wisdom teeth pulled even though they never bothered me nor were they ever grown out. I thought I would just take advantage of my health insurances because although the procedure cost $2500, I didn't have to pay a single penny! A lot of people were telling me horror stories about them bleeding a lot and feeling their stitches come apart but fortunately I didn't have that experience at all. My cheeks are really swollen but that's about it. The only embarrassing thing that happened was when my parents picked me up and took me to their place, and I began to cry because I couldn't help but think how cute my sisters dog was. My sister started laughing her ass off which caused me to cry even more because I was so embarrassed at how loopy the anesthesia was making me as it was fading off. I really miss eating proper food that isn't soup or mashed potatoes though. I'm sure I can chew hard food but I really don't want to risk my stitches coming apart or getting any food caught in the cuts that were made. The best part of it all of course is the vicodin, which really sucks compared to oxycodon but it still helps me fall asleep. The only problem with it though is that it makes me really sad. I begin to question and doubt my relationship, I being to wonder who my real friends are if any, and just all this upsetting stuff. I was sad that no one wanted to keep me company or take care of me (except my parents who don't count). When I have a friend who has had surgery or anything, I'm the first to offer food and care...but no one does for me. It makes it a lot harder that I live on my own too, I would just go sit under the sun at the park and feed the squirrels as if they're the only things that want to be with me cause I have something for them.
Well this post just went downhill quickly.

13.5.15

Interviews, Obama, and Sisters

So, I hate not blogging for a long time because so much stuff goes on that I later forget about to share! I'll just start off by my first permanent state job interviews I finally got after applying to a billion state jobs. The only downside is that their both in the Portland area, and I had completely forgot that I even applied for them because it was a long time ago. The crazy part was I called to two interviews within a day! One is for an HSS1 position and the other is an HSS3 position (I'm currently an HSS2). Sure you might be thinking "Well an HSS1 is essentially a downgrade from what you are now?", true but it's all about being permanent rather than a temp or limited duration employee. The HSS1 is a two part interview, and after going to the first part I knew for sure I wouldn't get called back because it was a skills test and I completely botched it. To my surprise though, a couple days later they called me back for a one on one interview! I have yet to go to that but I did go to my HSS3 interview which is just a one part interview where you actually get to talk about your experience. Pretty sure I did really bad in that one too but again, I'm not worried about getting either of these jobs because I'm honestly unprepared as to whether I'd have to move or commute everyday to work in Portland.
Obama was coming to Portland and I had to see it, and being in the air guard I was allowed to come over to our base and watch him fly in! Although he did land on our side of the airport, he was still at a far distance to where I couldn't really see him through the window (we got locked inside until he completely left the airport). We have a big zoom in camera though so we were zooming in on the plane and watched him get out that way. The fact that he was yards away was still thrilling, and the best part was seeing Air Force 1 land. After he had drove off the airport, my friend who's the Airfield Supervisor for PDX, picked me up and we drove closed to Air Force 1 to get some really cool pictures. It was absolutely amazing! We also gave a ride for one of the white house reps to Air Force 2 which landed later, and me and him talked about what he did and what he does outside of working at the pentagon and stuff. He also gave me his business card which is so cool! I'll definitely always remember that.
As for my relationship, it has been quite the rollercoaster ride but my mate really made it up to me. He invited me to go to Sisters, OR with him because they were having their lacrosse tournaments there in which he coaches. I love central Oregon and I hardly get to go there so I was excited to go. What made it more exciting was the fact that he surprised me by getting a condo at Black Butte Ranch which is a beautiful resort where you can see Sisters (the mountains) at a short distance. The condo itself was really nice too, with a big ol' kitchen and a fireplace. He kept that a secret from me though so I came completely unprepared, thinking I was just going to be lounging in a hotel room all day. I still managed with all I had, and we went grocery shopping and made dinner at the condo. It was so good. I think the biggest thing about the whole trip was the fact that he has expressed how he felt towards me which never happens. It really reassured me that he really did care about me, and that we want to make this work a lot longer. I don't have all the control as to whether a relationship will work out or not, but I'm keeping my hopes up on this one.

18.4.15

Second thoughts on Military...and Life in general

So, life has rather been crazy right now both good and bad. Last weekend I had drill (I've already lost count on how many times I've been). This time I got to do the physical fitness mock test that they do at basic and I admit I was pretty nervous because I knew I'd do rather bad which was exactly the case. The minimum push ups for girls is 27...I did 10
The minimum sit ups for girls is 34...I did 16
The minimum time for a 1.5mile run is 14:21...I did 14:11.
As you can see, I have no upper body strength what so ever and I never had growing up, cardio was always my thing and still my preferred thing but in a place like this, you have to excel in both. What was more disappointing is my supervisor finding out, because you can't go to basic training if you can't pass a simple mock test. I was sore for days after that because I hadn't worked out much at all prior to that so it was a big shock to my body. I decided I'd start doing 10 push ups and sit ups in the morning and night, as well as run 1.5 miles after work. The biggest thing about being in the guard for me right now is I'm having second thoughts about it all. I recently found out that I can leave at any moment without it ever being 'dishonorable discharge', because you're not actually chained down until you swear in the day you ship out for basic which isn't until August for me. This was really big news to me because recruiters never tell anyone this, but it's a real thing. I had told one of my squadron mates about having second thoughts, because they'll be shipping me out during the time my limited duration job will be ending and I may miss an opportunity for a permanent job which I can't afford to miss. Not only that but they'll be shipping me out twice because I'm one in a million who doesn't get to go to school right after basic because there's not school date available for me until next Summer. The times they'll be sending me off is so inconvenient, and it really annoys me because I was suppose to already done with ALL of it but because the person in charge of scheduling us basic/school dates is taking their precious time, I have to suffer through the wait. I can't imagine if I did just walk up and quit though, how disappointed everyone there would be along with myself...but there are other things more important to me like my 'civilian' job and my family. So this is a big decision I have to make real soon.
I've sort of became addicted to yoga and the simple lifestyle of it. I don't do any hardcore yoga cause I am not flexible what so ever, but more of the kind that focuses on breathing and staying relaxed all while stretching. It's truly helped me a lot, and it's really made me want to go to a yoga retreat which is definitely on my bucket list right now! And again, I don't do that type of yoga that prays to Buddha or whatever else you may think (those aren't actually common around here). I have been having a hard time keeping up with my relationship with Jesus which is really sad and hard to admit, but it's the truth. I still go to church but I've somehow had a hard time taking what I learn into my own life and being that perfect child of God. I just feel so disconnected and it's been hard to get back to being %100 in it again, but I know I will be because I will never give up on that big aspect of my life.
Work has been taking up %75 of my week which is a lot and it has been rather stressful, but I don't have those thought of giving up anymore which is nice. Although if I were asked to go back to where I originally was, I'd still go in a heartbeat.
When I used to live with my parents, all my friends always wanted to go out and hang out but now that I've moved out, No one has asked me to hang out or asked to come over. It's quite bizarre really because I thought everyone would bug me to come over but it's almost sad that no one doesn't. It's alright though, gives me plenty of time to nap or do my own thing I guess.
Other than that, idk.

28.3.15

Momentary Freedom

So, the moment we've all been waiting for...I had finally moved out on my own. These past 3 years, all I wanted was to move out because of how difficult it was being home with my parents. Though I kept making it a new years resolution to save up and move out, it simply wasn't happening. Not knowing when I was going to boot camp this year either, I wasn't sure whether it would have even been worth moving out. When I found out when I'd be shipped to basic training though I figured it wasn't too little time to enjoy these last few precious months without my parents. I didn't have much saved at all in my bank account, but I spent every last penny to settle in the most adorable studio apartment in downtown Salem just 2 blocks away from work. It's still very bare considering I'm waiting until payday to be able to buy furniture so for now I only have a new bed and a decorated bathroom. My kitchen is also pretty substantial but could still have a lot more things. Overall, I love my place. I love to finally be alone. I love that I can decorate it all as I want. I love that I can come home during lunch from work to take a power nap in my cozy bed. I love to not have to call my parents telling them where I'm at in the middle of the night. I love the freedom of being out late. I love that all my favourite places in downtown are a walking distance away. I love it all. It's sad that it's only for 4 months before I leave to basic, but it makes me enjoy every minute of it.
Now, you most likely be wondering how my parents took it and that's where the crazy part comes in. I was notified on a Friday that I got approved for my apartment and I said I wanted to move in the day after tomorrow. I was going to tell my parents the night I got approved, but we were having a party at our house so I didn't want to spill the beans in the middle of it. I was going to tell them the next day, but then they went out to a party and I didn't feel like calling them to tell them the news was going to be appropriate. The day of me moving out came and I had to get there in the morning to sign papers and such, and move all my stuff in. My heart was aching, I was already moving my stuff in my apartment and my parents still didn't know. I was so afraid to tell them at that point because it was now a last minute thing which I'm well known for. I came home and told my dad...he asked why and how much I was paying and that's it. Then my mum came home and I knew my dad was going to tell her first, so I was kind of shaking when I walked into the kitchen. She asked the same thing, why and how much I'm paying...and that was it. I gently asked if I was able to borrow some pots and pans (same ones I took to Crater Lake), and she began gathering not only that but a whole bunch of others things. She was helping me move! And I didn't get yelled at! This came as a big shocker, because lets face it, my parents are traditional communist who only want their children to move out when they get married. But I'm 22 now, and there's no way I'm getting married anytime soon so I've given up on that idea. I've given up a lot on traditional slavic things, like A Lot.
I got promoted to be a limited duration lead worker for all the new temps we hired and so far it's the biggest mistake of my life. It's extremely difficult and I've already cried once and am pretty sure I will again soon. I figured it'd be hard but not that hard and the crappy part is I cannot quit because I make good money and obviously now I have an apartment to pay for. It's definitely the perfect definition of no matter how much money you make, work somewhere that will make you happy rather than sad all the time. It's more difficult when all the new temps have become comfortable with me and like me, but now they always feel bad for me because I'm always completely drained and just not happy to be there and it's not entirely their fault. I hope it'll get better soon though.
I also dyed my hair blonde and my boyfriend loves it along with many others, and I like it too But I can't imagine how much I'm gonna be spending all together to maintain it with always dying the roots since my hair grows extremely fast. It already looks bad with it all grown out but I don't always have $80 laying around to get touch ups. Hopefully I'll get to dye it back to black eventually.
I've also been going to yoga 4 days a week and absolutely love it!
Life is simply bittersweet at the moment.

16.3.15

Promotion or Mistake

So, just an update on this 'crazy' life of mine. My temporary contract working for the State was almost over and fortunately they were hiring tons of Limited Duration employees which we were all qualified for. Of course I applied and had an interview, and everyone were getting calls for the job offer except me...The one call I got was by accident by one of the HR guys who was working on my application. In the voicemail he mentioned something about my references but told me to disregard the phone call. Days went by and I wasn't hearing anything while everyone else was excited to get the limited duration position. I decided to call HR and hunt down the guy who was working on my application to see what the hold up was. He said he got a hold of 2 references (which is what they need), but one of them couldn't give enough information about me due to their company policy so they need one more reference. This was on a Friday and I was hurrying to get a hold of any of my past managers to have me use them as a reference, but none of them got back to me by the time the HR office closed! So I had to eagerly wait until Monday to e-mail the HR guy some more references and wait once again. I was praying the Whole time, asking God for this position. A couple days later I got an e-mail stating I passed the background check (which meant they went through with my references fine), and than a couple days after my managers had finally offered me the job. I was thrilled to know I'd be getting to stay with all my co-workers in my lovely spot, continuing on this journey of working on applications, eating pretzels, and snuggling in my blanket at work. Than the managers called me into their office again a few days later, giving me another offer. They asked if I wanted to be a Lead worker in one of the new buildings they were opening up. This was a Big Deal, a Huge Opportunity, that I Almost didn't take because of the simple fact of leaving my co-workers and comfortable office life....but I agreed to the offer. There were 5 (out of 80ish) others who got this offer as well, and when they announced our promotion, there were a lot of mixed feelings in the room. It pained me to see how sad people were to not have received this offer, and I was honestly shocked that they even chose me.
Today was my first day as a Lead to the whole new group of temps that got hired (+120). It was extremely overwhelming, from sitting for months to running around in a single day was exhausting even though it shouldn't be. Going to these leadership team meetings and trying to figure things out together, it was a whole new experience for me. Every time I was put to do a new project at work, I always had a hard time at first but grew to enjoy it quickly. But this project is a whole new ball game I am utterly nervous about. I just keep thinking of how I miss being at my office spot, messing around with my co-workers, reading my book when the systems would go down. Now it's just work work run run work more. I'm pretty sure it'll be another one of those things where I'll grow to enjoy it, but for now, the struggle is real. I guess God gave me more than I bargained for and I'm so thankful for it, but I hope this won't literally kill me.
There's not much else going on in life, it's really just been work that's taking over every hour of it. I'm hoping to move into a cute studio apartment right next to my work, but it's still in the process. I'm extremely sad I don't get to work with my chunky monkey anymore, it makes the days so much harder because of how much I got used to seeing him everyday and now it'd only be for 30min if not at all. He was my biggest motivator while at work, and now I need it more than ever with this new position but now I'm on my own with it. I just hope I make it out alive.