Names Alesa.22.I speak my mind,therefore there are no boundaries.I am a distraught child,so I might offend you unknowingly.At the same time,I am very caring when I should not be.Cheers.

18.4.15

Second thoughts on Military...and Life in general

So, life has rather been crazy right now both good and bad. Last weekend I had drill (I've already lost count on how many times I've been). This time I got to do the physical fitness mock test that they do at basic and I admit I was pretty nervous because I knew I'd do rather bad which was exactly the case. The minimum push ups for girls is 27...I did 10
The minimum sit ups for girls is 34...I did 16
The minimum time for a 1.5mile run is 14:21...I did 14:11.
As you can see, I have no upper body strength what so ever and I never had growing up, cardio was always my thing and still my preferred thing but in a place like this, you have to excel in both. What was more disappointing is my supervisor finding out, because you can't go to basic training if you can't pass a simple mock test. I was sore for days after that because I hadn't worked out much at all prior to that so it was a big shock to my body. I decided I'd start doing 10 push ups and sit ups in the morning and night, as well as run 1.5 miles after work. The biggest thing about being in the guard for me right now is I'm having second thoughts about it all. I recently found out that I can leave at any moment without it ever being 'dishonorable discharge', because you're not actually chained down until you swear in the day you ship out for basic which isn't until August for me. This was really big news to me because recruiters never tell anyone this, but it's a real thing. I had told one of my squadron mates about having second thoughts, because they'll be shipping me out during the time my limited duration job will be ending and I may miss an opportunity for a permanent job which I can't afford to miss. Not only that but they'll be shipping me out twice because I'm one in a million who doesn't get to go to school right after basic because there's not school date available for me until next Summer. The times they'll be sending me off is so inconvenient, and it really annoys me because I was suppose to already done with ALL of it but because the person in charge of scheduling us basic/school dates is taking their precious time, I have to suffer through the wait. I can't imagine if I did just walk up and quit though, how disappointed everyone there would be along with myself...but there are other things more important to me like my 'civilian' job and my family. So this is a big decision I have to make real soon.
I've sort of became addicted to yoga and the simple lifestyle of it. I don't do any hardcore yoga cause I am not flexible what so ever, but more of the kind that focuses on breathing and staying relaxed all while stretching. It's truly helped me a lot, and it's really made me want to go to a yoga retreat which is definitely on my bucket list right now! And again, I don't do that type of yoga that prays to Buddha or whatever else you may think (those aren't actually common around here). I have been having a hard time keeping up with my relationship with Jesus which is really sad and hard to admit, but it's the truth. I still go to church but I've somehow had a hard time taking what I learn into my own life and being that perfect child of God. I just feel so disconnected and it's been hard to get back to being %100 in it again, but I know I will be because I will never give up on that big aspect of my life.
Work has been taking up %75 of my week which is a lot and it has been rather stressful, but I don't have those thought of giving up anymore which is nice. Although if I were asked to go back to where I originally was, I'd still go in a heartbeat.
When I used to live with my parents, all my friends always wanted to go out and hang out but now that I've moved out, No one has asked me to hang out or asked to come over. It's quite bizarre really because I thought everyone would bug me to come over but it's almost sad that no one doesn't. It's alright though, gives me plenty of time to nap or do my own thing I guess.
Other than that, idk.

28.3.15

Momentary Freedom

So, the moment we've all been waiting for...I had finally moved out on my own. These past 3 years, all I wanted was to move out because of how difficult it was being home with my parents. Though I kept making it a new years resolution to save up and move out, it simply wasn't happening. Not knowing when I was going to boot camp this year either, I wasn't sure whether it would have even been worth moving out. When I found out when I'd be shipped to basic training though I figured it wasn't too little time to enjoy these last few precious months without my parents. I didn't have much saved at all in my bank account, but I spent every last penny to settle in the most adorable studio apartment in downtown Salem just 2 blocks away from work. It's still very bare considering I'm waiting until payday to be able to buy furniture so for now I only have a new bed and a decorated bathroom. My kitchen is also pretty substantial but could still have a lot more things. Overall, I love my place. I love to finally be alone. I love that I can decorate it all as I want. I love that I can come home during lunch from work to take a power nap in my cozy bed. I love to not have to call my parents telling them where I'm at in the middle of the night. I love the freedom of being out late. I love that all my favourite places in downtown are a walking distance away. I love it all. It's sad that it's only for 4 months before I leave to basic, but it makes me enjoy every minute of it.
Now, you most likely be wondering how my parents took it and that's where the crazy part comes in. I was notified on a Friday that I got approved for my apartment and I said I wanted to move in the day after tomorrow. I was going to tell my parents the night I got approved, but we were having a party at our house so I didn't want to spill the beans in the middle of it. I was going to tell them the next day, but then they went out to a party and I didn't feel like calling them to tell them the news was going to be appropriate. The day of me moving out came and I had to get there in the morning to sign papers and such, and move all my stuff in. My heart was aching, I was already moving my stuff in my apartment and my parents still didn't know. I was so afraid to tell them at that point because it was now a last minute thing which I'm well known for. I came home and told my dad...he asked why and how much I was paying and that's it. Then my mum came home and I knew my dad was going to tell her first, so I was kind of shaking when I walked into the kitchen. She asked the same thing, why and how much I'm paying...and that was it. I gently asked if I was able to borrow some pots and pans (same ones I took to Crater Lake), and she began gathering not only that but a whole bunch of others things. She was helping me move! And I didn't get yelled at! This came as a big shocker, because lets face it, my parents are traditional communist who only want their children to move out when they get married. But I'm 22 now, and there's no way I'm getting married anytime soon so I've given up on that idea. I've given up a lot on traditional slavic things, like A Lot.
I got promoted to be a limited duration lead worker for all the new temps we hired and so far it's the biggest mistake of my life. It's extremely difficult and I've already cried once and am pretty sure I will again soon. I figured it'd be hard but not that hard and the crappy part is I cannot quit because I make good money and obviously now I have an apartment to pay for. It's definitely the perfect definition of no matter how much money you make, work somewhere that will make you happy rather than sad all the time. It's more difficult when all the new temps have become comfortable with me and like me, but now they always feel bad for me because I'm always completely drained and just not happy to be there and it's not entirely their fault. I hope it'll get better soon though.
I also dyed my hair blonde and my boyfriend loves it along with many others, and I like it too But I can't imagine how much I'm gonna be spending all together to maintain it with always dying the roots since my hair grows extremely fast. It already looks bad with it all grown out but I don't always have $80 laying around to get touch ups. Hopefully I'll get to dye it back to black eventually.
I've also been going to yoga 4 days a week and absolutely love it!
Life is simply bittersweet at the moment.

16.3.15

Promotion or Mistake

So, just an update on this 'crazy' life of mine. My temporary contract working for the State was almost over and fortunately they were hiring tons of Limited Duration employees which we were all qualified for. Of course I applied and had an interview, and everyone were getting calls for the job offer except me...The one call I got was by accident by one of the HR guys who was working on my application. In the voicemail he mentioned something about my references but told me to disregard the phone call. Days went by and I wasn't hearing anything while everyone else was excited to get the limited duration position. I decided to call HR and hunt down the guy who was working on my application to see what the hold up was. He said he got a hold of 2 references (which is what they need), but one of them couldn't give enough information about me due to their company policy so they need one more reference. This was on a Friday and I was hurrying to get a hold of any of my past managers to have me use them as a reference, but none of them got back to me by the time the HR office closed! So I had to eagerly wait until Monday to e-mail the HR guy some more references and wait once again. I was praying the Whole time, asking God for this position. A couple days later I got an e-mail stating I passed the background check (which meant they went through with my references fine), and than a couple days after my managers had finally offered me the job. I was thrilled to know I'd be getting to stay with all my co-workers in my lovely spot, continuing on this journey of working on applications, eating pretzels, and snuggling in my blanket at work. Than the managers called me into their office again a few days later, giving me another offer. They asked if I wanted to be a Lead worker in one of the new buildings they were opening up. This was a Big Deal, a Huge Opportunity, that I Almost didn't take because of the simple fact of leaving my co-workers and comfortable office life....but I agreed to the offer. There were 5 (out of 80ish) others who got this offer as well, and when they announced our promotion, there were a lot of mixed feelings in the room. It pained me to see how sad people were to not have received this offer, and I was honestly shocked that they even chose me.
Today was my first day as a Lead to the whole new group of temps that got hired (+120). It was extremely overwhelming, from sitting for months to running around in a single day was exhausting even though it shouldn't be. Going to these leadership team meetings and trying to figure things out together, it was a whole new experience for me. Every time I was put to do a new project at work, I always had a hard time at first but grew to enjoy it quickly. But this project is a whole new ball game I am utterly nervous about. I just keep thinking of how I miss being at my office spot, messing around with my co-workers, reading my book when the systems would go down. Now it's just work work run run work more. I'm pretty sure it'll be another one of those things where I'll grow to enjoy it, but for now, the struggle is real. I guess God gave me more than I bargained for and I'm so thankful for it, but I hope this won't literally kill me.
There's not much else going on in life, it's really just been work that's taking over every hour of it. I'm hoping to move into a cute studio apartment right next to my work, but it's still in the process. I'm extremely sad I don't get to work with my chunky monkey anymore, it makes the days so much harder because of how much I got used to seeing him everyday and now it'd only be for 30min if not at all. He was my biggest motivator while at work, and now I need it more than ever with this new position but now I'm on my own with it. I just hope I make it out alive.

10.3.15

4th Drill



So, drill #4. It’s bizarre how at first the month would go by so slow until drill (which was so fun at first) but now drill comes so fast and it’s become tougher which is expected. The first day, us student flight kids took a tour of the fire station on base and spoke to one of the fire fighters about their job and what they do on daily basis. Their fire trucks are so cool! They look like transformers because they have to be capable of putting down airplane fires. I also had to sit through a very long newcomer’s presentation where all the top notch people came in to introduce themselves and talk about what they do. It was really helpful besides the fact that I was freezing and I was literally starving to death. After lunch we had physical training which sucked because I forgot my running shoes so I had to sit out of the training, but that was sort of a good thing too. After that I just went to my hotel, ordered and chowed down pizza, lounged around and was as lazy as could be.
The next day I dressed pretty nice which was a bad idea because though Sundays is when we learn new things in our shop, someone asked all the student flight kids in our unit to help with inventory which consisted of unpacking large travel bags to check if all the items are in there. My tights tore, my skirt and shirt were all sorts of dirty, and my hands were all scratched up, but I sort of missed working stock back in the day so it was alright. I went back to my shop and studied a book about all the markings and signs on the airfield. I learned a lot! We drove out on the airfield too and this time I was able to point out what meant what, it felt good to learn and know something new. Most of our crew was in Hawaii for a work trip so the place was pretty empty and there wasn’t much to do. We ended up getting to go home early which was nice since it was so sunny out, but I didn’t even get to enjoy it much because of all the allergies I was getting.
I did get some news though; I had finally received my dates on when I was going to drill…August 4th! It’s still a few months but I can’t believe it’s going to happen. The unusual part is that now, they Have to have you go to tech school right after drill, but they don’t know when I’ll be going to school still and that it’s possible I’ll be coming back home after basic training. The only reason they’re making me do that is because by the time I’d get my school date, I’ll be past my enlistment date meaning if I don’t go anywhere before November, I’d have to re-enlist which they don’t want anyone having to do.
Also, I finally dyed my hair white/blonde. I have mixed feelings about it.

5.3.15

22nd Birthday

So, the time had arrived once again where I celebrate the day of my birth...being February 28th. Because birthdays get over rated as the years go by, I sort of got in the tradition of just taking a trip somewhere far (though Portland last year wasn't far at all). The first place I had in mind was Palm Springs, then Vegas, then San Diego, then San Francisco, then somewhere on the coast, then Seattle, and then my last resort would be Portland again. I found a bomb deal in Vegas where a roundtrip flight & a 3 night stay would have only costed me $300! I was pretty set on this trip and told my dad I was going. His response, "It is cheap like that, but you have to realize how expensive it is to simply be there. I  don't think you should go and instead put the money towards your next car." I was really heartbroken, it was like being told that the day of my birth was unimportant but instead a new car that I won't get for years is more important. I told my boyfriend about the trip and what my dad had said...and he agreed with him!!!? After that I ended up just canceling the trip. It was already getting close to my birthday which meant any flight or hotel was going to be triple the price than it was a lot earlier, pretty much everything besides Portland was over my budget at that point. I didn't lose all hope though, as my birthday was getting closer I saw this amazing deal on Groupon for a Hilton hotel in downtown Seattle! It was $300 for 3 nights, which was how much my whole damn transportation and lodging amount was for Vegas but that quickly went down the drain. For the location and it being a weekend, this was the best deal I was going to get compared to anywhere else. So off to Seattle I went!
The first day, I got there in the evening so I got settled in and walked on over to the Cheesecake Factory for some yummy dinner. Then I went to the grocery store to get some snacks and walked back to the hotel in the dark rainy Seattle night. I loved every minute of it, I'm such a city girl and being able to get anything you need at a walking distance is my absolute favourite. 
The next day I went to the Flight Museum which was seriously the bomb!!! It's so much bigger compared to the Evergreen Aviation Museum, and you got to go up in real big airlines including one of the presidents old Air Force 1 plane. They also have this flight simulator where you got to pretend that you were in a fighter jet shooting planes and it went upside down and everything! It was so awesome, I loved all the airplanes. Afterwards I went to the Pike Place Market which was closing but I made it in time for some Piroshky Piroshky which were yummy as always! Then I walked to the Seattle ferris wheel that I'd never been on, it was so neat but I got really scared when it stopped when I was on the very top. 
I had bought brand new flats that would match all my outfits so I wouldn't have to bring so many shoes with me, but they became the most painful things to ever walk in. They bruised my feet so bad and I had to suffer with it for the rest of the trip. I don't know why I didn't buy a different pair while I was there, probably cause I hate sales tax that much. It was Friday night but I still went to bed early cause I was so dang tired!
Then Saturday rolled in, the day of my birthday. It wasn't hitting me at all that I was now 22 and I wasn't sure why, but I later realized it was because I hadn't recieved any gifts (not until I got home the day after to find a gift from my sister). I feel like gifts make you really realize where you're at in life and what exactly the occasion is, but there's wasn't much of that. No candles to blow out either. It was a chill day, starting off with the best belgian waffles in town. Then I went up on the highest building in Seattle, the Columbia tower, to do some awesome sight seeing of the whole area. Then I took a really good nap and explored the pike place area a bit more and some of the docks. After, I went to eat out at the Space Needle (SkyCity Restaurant) which I hadn't been to for 11 years. It was just as good as when I was 11 years old, with the beautiful city lights and scrumptious food. It was a beautiful night.
Sunday I got up and was off back home to hick town Salem. It's always funny going through Portland after, it's so tiny compared to Seattle! But you can never go wrong with the hipster vibe.
Overall I had a really good time in Seattle even though it wasn't my first choice, I was still happy to get away for the weekend with my chunky monkey and not have a care in the world.

15.2.15

Valentines 2015

So, that holiday finally arrived where all the single people weep about being alone and married to Netflix or something retarded. I for one had booked two tickets for a super romantic Valentines dinner on the Portland Spirit for me and my date because I was not gonna be lame like everyone else not making the most of this day where you recognize and show the love you have for others. Sure it's something we ought to do everyday, but the busy lives many people live, you sometimes forget to do that so this holiday is a good reminder for everyone to do just that. I originally planned to just go up for the dinner cruise and that's it, but my buddy wanted to spend the night there and really wanted to spend every minute he could with me and so that's just what we did. I first arrived to his place so that we would carpool and as I opened the passenger door to his car, I saw a red card with my name on it, chocolate, candy, rose pedals all over the seat, and a bouquet of roses. I was at the urge of tears, I absolutely loved it! We got to our hotel and had roughly 3 hours to kill so we were trying to figure out what to do and so we ended up playing Clue which I never have before. I've never really been a fan of board games but I know a lot of couples who are hardcore board game fanatics. We had a blast, I love how we're so competitive at games it's hilarious! It was almost time to go so we quickly got ready and I finally got to wear my beautiful gown for the first time. The only downside was, was that I had no choice but to wear heels with it which makes me taller than him but that's something we'll just have to get used to ha! We got to the boat just in time for boarding and it wasn't exactly what I had expected, I guess I didn't really realize how many people they cram in there and I was kind of bummed we didn't get a window seat but we were still close enough. The food was really good, that was one of the things I was nervous about because a lot of the reviews say their food was just bland but I thought it was delicious. After we had an appetizer, an entree, and dessert with champagne we went and stood outside to look at all the pretty mansions while we were riding through Lake Oswego and just checking everything out (though it was dark). It was so relaxing and romantic, I hadn't been on a boat in forever. I think the best part of that whole experience was the fact that my buddy loved it, and that I simply got to spend it with him. 
I'd say it was by far my favourite Valentines date ever (even though I've only ever spent it with someone once before). It was just like I had envisioned it and the fact that I got to live it without any problems made it all the more amazing. 

3rd Drill

So, 3rd drill finally came and apparently it's pretty ridiculous to my supervisor that I nor he has gotten any dates in regards to when I'll be going to basic training. It surprises me that he thinks being in student flight for 3 months is a long time when really most of the student flights kids have been students for 7 months already and are just getting their dates for basic training. I don't mind having it delayed because I'd very much prefer to go to San Antonio in the Winter anyways and my first year out of six years of my contract will pretty much have consisted nothing else but eating JalapeƱo popcorn. Besides that, it was a big weekend full of retirement and promotion ceremonies. Our wing commander (the boss of our whole base) retired after 27 years of being there. I'd say the biggest person that was there was the general (the boss of all the national guards in Oregon). I think the worst part was we had to stand for an hour but fortunately for us student flight kids, we didn't have to stand at attention like all the military people were in a perfectly formed formation. There were a lot of people at this thing but I was glad it was finally over with and I got to my hotel and met with my buddy for a fun filled evening! We went to this Russian restaurant in Portland which I had no idea about but stepping inside, it brought me way back to when I visited Ukraine as a kid. The wood seating and walls, the decor, the music, everything was just spot on (cept all the Portland hipsters there made it clear you weren't really thousands of miles away). We had some really good Russian food and one of my favourite things they had was dried fish. When I took a bite of it though, I teared up. I just had this odd flashback of when I was in Ukraine visiting my grandma, but it breaks my heart when people ask me if I've ever gone back since and the only response I can give is "There's nothing to go back to anymore." My mothers old neighbourhood and city has been demolished and abandoned, my fathers city is still under war and being torn apart. It all of a sudden became really hard for me to be at that restaurant anymore, but I pulled through it and we headed to another restaurant his friend worked at and then called it a night.
The next day at drill we had another ceremony but it was a lot smaller because it was just with the people within our unit because one of the guys had been promoted as the unit boss pretty much. Best part was we actually got to sit at this one! To my surprise the general was there too, I feel kind of bad because he probably has to go to all these retirement and promotion ceremonies throughout Oregon which probably gets boring. Afterwards though, I decided to introduce myself to the general. I waited quite some time for him to finally be done talking to quite a bit of people, including one of my squadron guys whom I've mentioned before that thinks he's a know it all. He was talking to him for so long and I knew the general probably hated every minute of it cause he's annoying, but once they were done I made my way through the crowd and simply said who I was, that I was brand spankin new, and that I was honoured to work for him and be in the air guard. The general was really nice and kept a conversation with me but I started to run out of things to say so I quickly thanked him again and left. The annoying squadron mate asked if that was coincidentally bumped into each other or something, I said no, I went and introduced myself. He was a bit surprised but didn't say anything after (that's what I thought bro, take a seat!) It took me a little while to realize how big the general really was though, I mean, he is 1/50 generals in the U.S. who over sees all of the national guards (army, coast, and air) of Oregon that consists of thousands of people. I am literally a booger in the far corner compared to him, but it was still cool that I had that opportunity to say Hi.
Until next drill, blehhhhhh

1.2.15

Side Swapped

So, one fun fact about me is that I always have nightmares. No matter how wonderful the dream starts, it always ends in horror. When I hear the quote "Dreams do come true" it makes me horrified because it's something I pray to the Lord that it never happens. This is normal to a lot of people though, it's not because of stress or anything, it's just a way of a few of our lives. One frequent occurrence that happens in my nightmares are car crashes. I have always woundered how being in a real crash would be like but from the looks of it, it's something no one wants to go through especially if that's how it ends your life. About a week ago I was casually driving home from work during the dark clear evening on the same road I always go down on. It's a two lane road and I was driving along side a large pick up truck which I didn't think much of. As I was passing him a bit, I noticed his blinker went off in my rear view mirror and I quickly thought to myself "Don't.Do.It." Next thing you know he side swaps me. I squealed like a little girl! I veered to the right which caused me to hit the curb, and we eventually pulled into a driveway. I thought for sure this guy was just going to book it and I was going to be screwed figuring out what to do on my own but thank God he was so helpful and was so honest about the fact that it was his fault (which he also confessed to the insurance companies). I've heard way too many stories about people lying about who hit who and what a pain it is, but I got it real easy. I won't be getting my ugly dent fixed though because my car will be gone by the end of this year for sure so it'd be pointless. I have yet to get estimates and do the whole cashing in the money part though.
When people get in a car accident/crash, they always become more thankful to be alive and appreciate the people in their lives more especially if they have a family. To be honest, I wish the guy would have just killed me so I don't have to worry about the ugly dent, don't have to go to work anymore, don't have to have family issues, don't have to worry about the future, just don't have to live my life anymore. At the same time I don't feel confident that I'd be going to heaven right now though so perhaps that's why my life was spared, but it hasn't changed me one bit (not yet at least).
All of that aside, life has actually been quite alright. Still upset I can't seem to be having any luck getting a permanent state job considering my temporary one is almost over but I just have to be patient and expect the worse to happen (like working as a waitress again or something). I've been going out almost every night these past few weeks and though it's fun, most of the time I really just want to relax at home for once. It's hard not to go out though because I have a bunch of friends who keep hitting me up and people whom I've promised to hang out with but never get around to it because well...I've been enjoying most of my time with the one whom I truly like. Of course I don't want to be like those girls who ditches All their friends over one guy, but I am trying to make the most of spending time with him because I fought so hard to get to where we are. It's been very hard for me in the beginning, who knew that having to prove my worth and loyalty to someone would be so difficult! But it opened my eyes to the fact that most girls (just as guys) are very sketch and untrustworthy. It makes me sad there's people like that, but I don't give up on the things I want most such as my position at the Portland Air Base and the relationship I have with the sweetest guy I know. I guess I could admit that I'm glad that car accident didn't kill me because I'm excited to grow in this relationship with my buddy and see how far it could take us.
And yea, drill this weekend. Just hoping it goes by quick and smoothly cause I do not like em anymore.

24.1.15

Messy

So, I honestly have no idea what to write about. I feel like my life is slowly going downhill and there's not much I can do. It's hard being in a position where you don't know what will happen when your temporary job is over in a few weeks, and not being able to move out because of that uncertainty of possibly being financially unstable to comfortably pay the bills. It's really a risk I don't want to take right now, but living with my mother is far worse than all those uncertainties combined. If I knew I'd be so mistreated at 22 for not getting married and having a career by 18, I would have just ran away to Ukraine honestly. Not only that but not knowing when I'll be going to boot camp is also a pain because that's the one thing that's holding me back from deciding some serious decisions. 
As for relationships well, some are dying and others are growing which is sort of the nature of it. I do but don't want a serious relationship right now because I'll be gone for months and don't want that person waiting for me cause I'm not worth that much right now, hopefully I will be when I get back and have a proper life. I hung out with this really cool South African guy I met at the mall I used to work at. To hang out with a guy who isn't pressuring you to do something you don't want is such a relief! I'm really looking forward for our friendship to grow. The only thing is he's a lot like the current guy I really like, a very determined workaholic whos athletic, comes from a wealthy home and loving family. It's hard for me to get at that level because I didn't grow up having that, but just by being myself is enough for anyone it seems.
Perhaps my problem is I'm always in such a hurry to move on with my life and the things I do. I never take the time to appreciate my surroundings and what I currently have as if it's not enough. Deep down I'm a very calm, quiet, and humble person but it hurts when my heart is stabbed by my mother and people who only act like they want to be my friend. That's what makes me be in such a hurry to get away, so that I could go back to being that calm quiet humble girl. 

I know that we ought to live in the moment and enjoy our lives as much as possible, but it truly is hard when you don't know what's going to happen especially in a few weeks when you know there will be some major changes. Humans always want answers to things.
Life is just a mess right now but I'm holding on to what I can before I give up.

You go for the wrong guys

So, too many times have I been told that I'm going for the wrong guy(s) and it's honestly one of the things I hate being told the most. It literally makes me cringe. Every guy has told me this at least once whom I've spoken to about my past relationships, but then they become a past relationship so it's a repetitive thing. I think the rather unfortunate part is that it's quite true. Growing up I always thought that my Ukrainian Prince Charming was going to sweep me out of my feet when I turned 18 but here I am, almost 22, being hit on by random American guys I know I'll never have a future with unless I lower all my standards and morals. The only thing that's nice about them is how much they appreciate Eastern European girls and compliment everything about them, but there's not much else to em besides that. I feel like I have lowered my standards by a significant amount because I felt like the reason I was having no luck with relationships was because my standards were too high and honestly they still are (like all Slavics). So why do I still end up going for the wrong guys? Perhaps I get too attached from being too caring once I get to really know the guy and their problems. Or perhaps I get too attached at how deceiving they are with their charm. I know you can't change a person but if you know that your habits hurt them and yourself, why continue doing it? I will never truly understand who would be classified as the 'wrong type,' in the end everyone has issues. It just all depends if you're willing to overcome your dirty vise together or alone for the sake of the person you want to be with. If you're not willing to do that though, then leave the person alone and move on...easier said than done.

16.1.15

2nd Drill

So, long time no post right? Lets talk about my second drill cause who doesn't want to hear about that. I was super excited to see my squadron mate whom I'd also call my best friend, along with my other hot squadron mate and all the student flight kids I quickly became close with. I wasn't sure what to expect at this drill but I knew on the first day we were going to have to sit through boring presentations and have a physical fitness test. Fortunately for me, I got to sit out of the physical fitness test because I recently had bronchitis and it was still lingering in my system so yea! I also finally got my military ID card which I'm super stoked about because discounts for days (technically years). The first day was a drag and I couldn't wait until 3p to go to my hotel and head on over to the Blazers game. We got done by 2:30p and I was excited to leave, until we had an excercise that consisted of a fake shooter outside and we all had to hide in corners until they gave us the clear...which wasn't until 4:10p!!! I was so pissed because then that only gave me 40min to check in my hotel, shower, get ready, and walk to the trimet stop. Fortunately I (along with my buddy who came) made it in time and had enough time to eat at the Moda Center and check out where we were sitting. I hadn't been to a Blazers game in 9 years so I was excited to be there, but at the same time I was really nervous because of the embarrassing/frightening situation I had there when I was a kid. I knew I was in good hands though so I had nothing to worry about. The game was epic and we had pretty darn good seats so it was overall a blast. I finally got back to the hotel and wasn't looking forward to the next day of drill. 
The next day it was going pretty chill, drove around the airfield, watched the fighter jets take off, cracked tons of jokes. That was until I found out I had another supervisor whom I never knew about (I thought I only had two). He came off as really friendly and he really enjoyed getting to know my background and what brought me to the guard. When he turned serious though, it really bothered me. He reassurred me that being there was serious business, and that I have to work extremely hard and that he expects me to learn a ton of stuff while I'm there. He also brought up that there should be less fun and more work which is what I was coming across as. This was a huge problem because legally I'm not allowed to be actually working because I haven't gone through tech school yet, & there's only so much I could learn but will never remember until I finish school. He isn't my primary supervisor, my actual supervisor was not harsh like this because he obviously knows better about the situation I'm in. This supervisor is from the Navy and the way they start off is completely different than they do in the guard. The only reason it bothered me was because I felt like I was failing, and that's the last thing I ever want to feel at my job especially since I just started. But I can't prove myself until I go through boot camp and all that crap, so it's just hard.
Overall drill was a bit odd that weekend and I'm honestly not really looking forward to the next one and all the ones after that simply because I'm useless until I get training. These 6 years should go by faster.

1.1.15

New Years 2015

So, my favourite holiday had finally arrived! Every year I spend New Years night either at Government Camp in Mt.Hood or Sunriver near Mt.Bachelor but as I had mentioned before, this holiday season has been a pretty dull one. I had been invited by some co-workers and friends to parties but in the end it didn't seem like any of those were going to work out. I took to Facebook to find something to do and one of my closest buddies invited me to a house party he was invited to in Portland. I decided to go with that and I wasn't sure what to expect but in the end I had a really good time. It was in a cute neighbourhood called St.Johns in Portland which I've surprisingly never been to. Stepping inside this party, I felt like I was in an episode of Portlandia where there's just a bunch of unique individuals dressed as if they jumped out of the 70's. Fortunately there were many of us who didn't know each other but we were all there for the same reasons, to dance, drink, get weird, and count down to the new year. This was my first real house party I've ever been to and I had a blast with it, who knew dancing like no one is watching with random people could be such a joy. One of the highlights was this huge chunk of cured meat on the dining table that you got to just nibble at. I have never had cured meat before but it's so bomb! I didn't really meet anyone (just quick hellos) because there was just way too many people at this party. Me and my buddy didn't stay long after the New Year hit which was fine by me because I could barely keep my eyes open from being so tired. Overall I was happy I got to spend the New Year with at least one person I knew, and getting to dance the night away.
As for New Years resolutions, I don't necessarily have any new ones besides not being such a people pleaser. I feel like that would be a challenge because people know me as being kind and helpful so if I don't do that as much anymore, I'm worried I'll be seen as selfish which is not the case at all. I just still struggle with knowing how to take care of myself and my feelings before others, so I hope I'll get to change that. I know the relationship with my parents is going to continue getting worse, especially now that I've found how fun house parties are! Kidding, but I really need to just not care about what my parents want for me and from me as sad as that is. It's going to be hard and my dreams of moving out are still there but knowing how bad I am with money, it's going to be really tough to get to that point. I also need to really prepare myself for finding another job before my temporary one is over, it's going to really suck if I don't find another job that pays 1800k a month! Just thinking ahead, this year is overall going to be very tough and I'm not looking forward to all the challenges and annoying circumstances I'm going to have to go through, but I am looking forward to it being all over with. Until New Years 2016!