Names Alesa.21.I speak my mind,therefore there are no boundaries.I am a distraught child,so I might offend you unknowingly.At the same time,I am very caring when I should not be.Cheers.

18.7.14

Bad Spirits & Tough Love

So, just a random update I suppose. There has been a lot going on at work, like many people transferring to different positions including myself. Cocktail waitressing is one of the top positions anyone and everyone wants to have, and I was fortunate for it to be easily handed to me, but I officially gave up on it. I didn't care that I was making +$100 in tips a day, I was miserable and tired all the time because of the lack of staff we had for that position. I was fed up sweating all day and never having any time off in the day. It was just sleep and work, sleep and work. I was tired of fainting after work too because of my lack of iron. In the end, my health has become more important to me than the money. I had transferred to be a host, which can also be a tough job, but at least it doesn't require me to run around like a maniac. Hosting deals with a lot more technical issues, which I'm actually looking forward to dealing with. There have been a lot of other problems going on around in different departments, and it sort of made me think about something someone had told me once. There's a girl there who is a Klamath Native, who's relatives work at the park too. She told me that Crater Lake isn't meant for people to stay at for a long period of time. This is because the Klamath Natives found the lake first, but was claimed by another American (like Americans always do to Native Americans). To the Klamath Natives, it's a spiritual place that belonged to them but had been taken away and is now infested with tourist and workers. Ever since more and more people had begun to to show up this Summer, there have been a lot of work issues happening, workers passing out, tourist going crazy, all this weird bizarre stuff and I do believe that it's because the place isn't meant for us to stay at. Of course, as a Christian, I don't believe in all the weird spiritual stuff Native Americans do, but I do believe there are bad spirits out there.
Another thing that has been brought up to me many times is how well I do at every job I'm put at. Cocktail waitressing, bussing, hosting, anything, I'm great at without even trying. Sad thing is, it's not that I'm great at it, it's just everyone else makes it more difficult than it is or simply can't do it. Everyone wants me working in their department it's funny but unfortunately I have to let them all down because it's not something of my interest. My bosses always seem to make sure I don't plan on quitting because I stay true to my word when I say I'm reliable...
How is the love life being stuck on a mountain you might wondering, well, I do still have a crush on the same guy even though he's made it clear that it'll never happen. There's someone else who really likes me though, and is a lot different than the other guys (in a really good way) so we've been spending time together. Like I mentioned before, relationships are almost never formed at these parks cause we all know we depart at one point. Unless you're extremely committed than you'll move to the same park as your partner, or to another city if you plan on taking a break from the park life. Of course you have little to no options being stuck on a mountain, but you make the most with what you can whether that just means hanging out with someone or actually settling down with someone if it's meant to be. We don't have much time on the mountain, but that doesn't mean you should rush into any sort of relationship. No matter where you are or what situation you're in, you should always be patient with someone and just enjoy the moment with them rather than worry about what will happen in the future. Simple as that.
Also: my boobs grew bigger and I hate it. I thought they stopped growing in your mid teen years but man, that's a myth. I hate it because now all my bras cut off my circulation and I Hate bra shopping. They're all, voluptuous now? Definitely one of the down sides of being a girl. *giggles*

16.7.14

Days Spent Well

So, I finally got two days off after working seven brutal days in a row.
Day 1: I went to the hot springs but this time I went during the daytime. I had been there multiple times already but only at night which made me more curious as to how it looked like in the light. It looks so much more beautiful in the daylight because you can actually see all the tubs and all the salt in the water. I went to the very bottom tub on the bottom of the cliff which would have been impossible to get to at night. The lower you go, the colder the tub is and because it was warm out, I needed a colder tub. The one I went into was big and just the perfect temperature. These are nude springs and I was a bit nervous because it wasn't nighttime so people could see you, but I honestly did not give a crap. I stripped all the way and enjoyed every minute of it. It aint only little toddlers who enjoy being naked all the time, but us adults too. When I first came, there weren't many people, but more and more had begun to show up. There was a small group of people from Klamath Falls who joined me because there weren't any other tubs open, but they were all dressed. They were too shy to strip down which I totally understand. They also got a picture with me (no you couldn't see any of my parts in case you're wondering) because they wanted to prove to their friends that they hung out with a naked person like they had hoped for. I thought it was great, and they went about their way. I got so comfortable being naked in front of other naked people, it's almost as if you didn't even notice that none of us had clothes on. I absolutely loved it. I'm such a hippy at heart, and meeting other hippies there just felt so good. I had a grand time! Afterwards I went back to lodge to enjoy some mussels and a good cocktail. There was this young lad sitting by me and I hit up a conversation with him. He happened to be doing a road trip around America with his dog. It was so fascinating to hear where he had been and where he planned on going to next. He said he found a spot at Crater Lake to camp at, and I figured why not join him. I hadn't gone camping this Summer yet and I live in a freaking forest! It was such a good time, and his big dog was a lot of fun to play with. It made me want to buy a tent and go camping on my days off instead of going to my sisters all the time.
Day 2: I went rafting which was awesome. Yes I went by myself but I still enjoyed every minute of it. Last time I went, I went with a group of guys who did all the rowing on a big raft but this time it was just me on a long skinny raft. I was a bit nervous at first thinking I couldn't do it but it was a lot easier than I thought. I had made a couple pit stops to do some swimming and what not. For some reason it felt like forever getting to the finish point. It literally took me 3 hours to get through it all and by the 2nd hour I was just done. I got a great tan out of it though which was what I was aiming for. Afterwards I went to Medford to look for a tent which was quite the fail, but I ended up buying other unnecessary stuff. I wanted to get back to the lodge to have some mussels but only had an hour before they closed, and it takes an hour from Medford to get to Crater Lake. I was speeding like no other, I'm surprised I didn't get pulled over or hit any deer. I made it just in the knick of time and had myself some good ol' mussels.
These past two days had been a lot of fun and definitely brought my mood back up a lot after what I had gone through earlier. I love that I can have so much fun just by being by myself.
Here are some photos from my adventures!







Break Down

So, my parents had finally came to visit me. Unfortunately I wasn't given the weekend off as I requested to spend time with them, because someone else had beat me to it. So I just had to spend the little time off I had in between work shifts with them. The night they came we went to the hot springs which was a super chill time as always. We drove all the way back to Klamath Falls where they were staying with my sister, and had to wake back up in a few hours to go back to Crater Lake cause they were going on a boat tour and I had to get back to work. My mum had left me some of her home made crepes cause I said I had been craving them since I came here. She also gave me a huge bucket of hand picked blueberries, and bought me a couple avocados. I was so happy! After they had left, my world somehow turned upside down. I took a bite of the crepe and completely broke down crying. It was really bad timing too because I had to get to work, and on my way there I still had tears running down my face. Once I got there, I finally relaxed but once I stepped out in the lodge, I broke down again. I ran to the bathroom but along the way all my co-workers and my boss saw how terrible I looked. I've never cried that hard in my life, it looked as if I had lost someone dear to me. I sobbed in the bathroom for a while but finally got myself together and went back up. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong but it only made things worse, especially since I couldn't explain the situation to them because none of them would understand. My boss had called me to see him and asked what was wrong. Reality hit me, that's what was wrong.
I didn't realize how much I'd miss my parents after they left, it was that bad. Not only that but I feel like I've let them down a huge ton. They expected me to be married by 18 and moved out with a handsome Ukrainian devil, have a proper career by now, and having their grandchildren already. That's what we're raised to believe and do, and yet I've strayed away from that. I gave Slavic kids my age hope that you don't have to wait until marriage to move out, but it's a really unusual, hard feeling especially since all you knew your whole life was dependency rather than independence. Of course my parents don't hate me for doing what I do, but I know they aren't too proud either. My parents have never been proud of the stuff I did besides my art work, which they were wanting to pay for me to go to Art Institute of Portland which I quickly turned down. They've done so much for me and I'm very fortunate to have parents like them, but I don't feel deserving at all of their love, time, and money put in me because of how little I returned to them. Of course I wish I could go back and change the way things were, but I know that even if I did that, I wouldn't be happy. I enjoy living in Southern Oregon, on a beautiful mountain, but it's definitely tough. Who knew that my first time moving out from my parents would be out in the middle of no where. I thought having solitude would help but instead it's just making me go crazy and doing regretful things. I don't ever want to move back with my parents, I just wish I wasn't raised to be dependent on them all the time. It's very tough, but it's getting a little bit better as the days go by.

4th of July 2014

So, first off, Hi, Sorry it's been quite some time.
I had been fortunate enough to get a proper 3 day weekend off on July 4th. I missed out on a lot of firework shows in the past because I had always been involved at kids camp. They always had it on July 4th weekend which sucked because no fireworks are allowed there, so we missed out on a lot of firework shows. I don't volunteer there anymore so now I can enjoy 4th of July and blow some stuff up. Though I do live on a mountain that's federal property, fireworks are obviously not allowed too but there's a lake close by that does a big firework show. My original plan was to go to that lake but my sister brought up that some guys from Salem were going to Redding, CA to watch their firework show, so we decided to tag along. After driving 4.5hrs alone to Crater Lake, any drive shorter than that seems like nothing to me anymore. It was a 2.5hr drive from my sisters to Redding. When we finally got there, there were a ton of people! The main exit to the show had been closed off so we circled the place over and over again to find a spot to watch the show. We ended up finding this hill that many people were on and patiently waited. The show had begun and all I can say is that it was not worth driving so far to watch something that lame. Californians are so weird too, no one was oooohing or ahhhing, the crowd was just dead silent. We couldn't wait for it to be over, and once it finally ended we went to In-N-Out. Last time I remember having In-N-Out, it was as good as everyone made it out to be but this time I was pretty disappointed. I think my favorite burger place is Little Big Burger in Portland. Their truffle fries are to die for and their burgers are delicious. Afterwards we went to this one park that had a glowing bridge just like the one in San Diego. I really needed to go to the bathroom but all the public bathrooms were locked so I said screw it, I'm going in the bushes. As I was walking towards a bush, something popped out of it. "SKUNK!!!!!!" I shouted and we all ran for our lives to the car. I had never in my life seen a skunk at a local park, let alone two! We were driving out slowly so that they wouldn't spray us and we saw a few more pop out of bushes. Redding is definitely one of the sketchiest places I've visited and I never want to go back there again.
It was a long tiring drive back to my sisters but we made it alive. Overall my 4th of July had it's ups and downs, but at least there were those ups.

6.7.14

Orange is the New Black...& how I can relate.

So, I’m sitting in my sisters backyard, drinking a strawberry daiquiri, watching the sun set over the dry hills as the pelicans fly above and the clouds turning pink. This beats every minute of being at Crater Lake. One of my favorite shows is Orange is the New Black but it makes me sad because of how much I could relate to it. I just wanted to share how and why I feel like I’m in a low security prison, in comparison to that show.
We all live in a small room with 3-4 other people in small twin sized beds. I’m used to sleeping on a twin bed because that’s what I’ve had all my life, but I’m still not used to sleeping with others in the same room. Though we do have rooms with walls, it feels like we don’t have any walls (like in the show) because of how much rumors, drama, and gossip spreads through the dorm on a daily basis.
Our dorm has mixed genders, so instead of girls trying to get girl on girl action, it’s all them boys trying to get into any girls pants they can get…or at least see some cleavage for the rather unfortunate looking guys. 
The food is probably worse than prison sometimes. I mean, at least in Orange is the New Black they have jello. I would kill to have someone serve us cherry jello. Even though we get the food for around $3, the taste and quality is just as cheap too. It’s not worth it at all but when you have no other options, you just consume whatever you can get.
Work is rough on most days and it’s only getting worse because of how much more tourist we’re getting. I’m starting to think that it’s not worth all the sweat and stress, especially one who’s anemic and can’t breath after a few hours of non-stop running across the lodge. When people ask me if I enjoy the work I do, I say that it’s just a job, not something I love or would probably do again. 
I can relate a lot to Piper Chapman from the show. I feel like I’m the only normal white girl with some brains and moral values. But it’s rough because everyone wants a piece of me, when really I don’t just give out people pieces of me. I give my all to one person, but I still have not found that person yet. I came to Crater Lake a better person than I am now, because living there has made me go crazy just like Chapman. 
Visiting my sister on my days off is equivalent to having furlough days as a prisoner. I feel free and my normal self. I can do normal white girl stuff like sit at the coffee shop and buy useless crap at Wal-Mart. One thing I am fortunate for is the fact that I live close to my sister, because now we get to spend more time with each other which is nice. 
I just try to get through each day on the mountain without killing someone, it’s rough. 

1.7.14

Church, people, and other stuffs.

So, it's been quite some time since I posted an update on my 'chaotic' life. It's funny that the last two posts were about how great things were going, and yet my friends tell me how sad they seem along with the photos I post? It's almost as if they know me better than I know myself. I'd like to think things are going good but in reality it's been tough. I despise having to work from around 1pm to 10pm because I never have any free time before or after to do anything cool. I'm stuck on the mountain not because I don't have a car but because my work shifts suck and that's all we have. By the time I'm done with work, everyone is drunk at the dorm so I don't have much to do. I could change positions so that I'd only work in the mornings or late evenings, but I admit I'm sort of hooked on getting tips. Of course it's nice to make some extra cash to spend on whatever!
Normally we have 3-4 of us working but there was one day I'll never forget. I came in and one other person is suppose to come at the same time I did, but no one was according to the schedule. So I was working alone for about an hour until the second person and the third person came. It was a really busy day, and a couple hours later one of the workers got really sick so she left. As for the third person, he was scheduled until 7:30pm and he doesn't normally like to take too many customers so I was stuck with just about everyone. Like I said, it was a really busy day and I thought I was going to kill someone because I was left all alone to take care a room full of people. I had a hard time breathing, I couldn't smile anymore, I couldn't take one step without someone stopping me trying to take an order. Halfway through, I broke down and began to cry. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and unlike my previous job as the Deli Queen at Willamette University where I knew it only lasted 3.5hrs, we serve food/drinks for 8hrs in the day here. Once it was all over though, I was able to smile again because of how much tips I made and just that it was all over with.
You might be woundering if I have my eye on anyone and I can say yes, yes I do...but it's a bit tough. It's tough liking someone who isn't the relationship/committed type person. It's tough liking someone that could get any girl with a single wink. It's tough liking someone who gives me mixed emotions. For example, there's days we would talk at work and have some good laughs, but there are days where he won't even bother to say Hi even when I'm standing right next to him? And yet he messages me everyday telling me to have a good day...It's tough liking someone I'm only going to be working with for a few more months. I'm not exactly sure what I'm fighting for considering it seems like he has no intentions for anything more than a friendship, yet sometimes he acts like he does want something. I hate it yet it's hard to ignore because I like him.
I finally had a Sunday off where I was able to go to a church just 35min away from Crater Lake. It's always a little nerve wrecking going to a new church for the first time, but I missed going to church. It was a typical non-denominational American church that has worship for over an hour and a 15min sermon about how life is tough so seek Jesus. That's really why I'm not the biggest fan of non-denominational American churches even though I went to one for a while. I miss my Slavic church in Portland, though I'm sure many people there haven't even noticed I've been gone even if I've been going there since I was 16. That also goes for my youth group that I've been going since I was 16, no one from there has contacted me at all. You would think the youth leaders would be curious about how I'm doing in regards to how I'm doing spiritually, but no one from there has asked. To my surprise, kids from another youth group have asked how I've been doing! Kids that aren't even from my youth group! It sort of made me realize who really cared and who didn't. I learned that it doesn't matter how long you've been going to a church, it's the individuals inside that church that make the difference. You can call yourself a Christian but what have you done or how do you live life to be able to deserve such a title? Spiritually, I'm a wreck, but that's all I can say.
On my days off I went to my sisters as usual and helped her move stuff into their new place. I'm just as excited about their new place as they are because it's so much bigger and will be cluster free unlike their current place. I also bought a body pillow which is a really long pillow I can cuddle with! Living in a small dorm on a mountain, I've sort of became addicted to cuddling? Everyone always wants me to cuddle with them because I'm one of the best cuddlers ever. At the same time, I'm tired of holding broken souls. I also can never fall asleep when cuddling with other people so I've had enough sleepless nights. This pillow is by far the best thing I've ever bought. Before I left home, I went to the coffee shop in downtown Klamath Falls. One thing I always think about is how much I just want to sit at a coffee shop with a good cup of coffee, surf the web as I people watch while listening to lounge/jazz music. I love it and take every opportunity I can to spend some alone time in a busy coffee shop.
Overall, life is simply complicated at the moment.

21.6.14

Crazy Happy Week

So, this week had been just full of fun! Normally we get a 2 day weekend, but I somehow got five days off this week (not in a row though) and I was pretty excited by it.
Monday: I went down to Klamath Falls, OR even though my sister wasn't in town. I went to get a haircut which turned out quite alright. Went to the same park that I always do to go on the swings. Stocked up on things at Walmart and went to a cafe in downtown to kill time before I got to see 22 Jump Street in theaters. For it being a day all to myself, I managed to do a lot! I had a really good time even though my sister wasn't in town.
Tuesday: I was back at my dorm and didn't really have anything planned, but when I saw my Moldavian mate I told him and the other Moldavian kid that we were going to hike Garfield Peak. Last time I went up on it, you were only able to do 1/4 of it because it was still covered in a lot of snow. There was still quite a bit of snow, but we managed to get passed through it and an hour and a half later, we got to the very top. The view from the top is incredible! You could just stare out into the distance for hours. We were so happy to have done it because that's the whole point of living in Crater Lake is taking advantage of all the outdoor activities it provides.
Wednesday: I worked but surprisingly it was a lot of fun because one of the restaurant bussers transferred to be a cocktail waitress and she's too funny. It was a really easy going day and I made some really good tips considering it was only the middle of the week. That same night, I got a Facebook message from a lad I met at my cousins wedding in Washington. I remember hanging out with him that same night of their wedding, but never imagined I'd see him again. Apparently he had been in the area and has always wanted to see Crater Lake, so he came on by! It was bizarre because he's my first visitor that I know which isn't someone I would have expected to be my first. We went to the hot springs which was amazing as always. He spent the night in my dorm room (we had a spare bed) because we got back at 3am from the hot springs and there was no way I was going to make him drive.
Thursday: We woke up and had lunch at the restaurant. I was so excited to finally be able to dress up and go on a proper lunch date with someone. As a FOB by heart, it's normal for me to get all dressed up and what not but my co-workers were wowed by my simple yet elegant outfit. After we had some amazing food, I took him a little ways up Garfield Peak to some of the viewpoints. I'm so used to seeing the lake everyday so it doesn't amaze me all that much anymore, but I get enough joy from seeing peoples reaction when they look at the lake. We finally departed our own ways, him to Washington and I to Medford, OR with my Moldavian mate for some proper shopping at the mall! I was so excited to go the Victorias Secret Semi Annual sale and surely enough I bought myself quite a few things. I also bought a henna kit at one of those weird hippy stores because I've been dying to do something artsy/craftsy lately. I did an awesome henna tattoo on my leg with it too and am hoping to master it a little more. It's so funny seeing someone go through their first American shopping experience too! We had a long tiring day at the mall and headed back to our dorm.
Friday: I went to my sisters for the day and hung out with her and her husband for the most part. It was really chill which is always good.
Saturday: I worked as a breakfast host for the first time. I forgot how much it sucked waking up so damn early, but I was looking forward to doing something new and getting out early too. I was a bit nervous but I quickly got the hang of it and everything was going smoothly...until Lunch hit. Apparently we had a tour group of 45 people coming in, that my manager thought was coming in next month. They were told about it 40min before lunch started and oh my goodness all my managers and the cooks were freaking out. To be honest, I had no idea what they were all freaking about. We just had to pre-set 45 seats with waters, salads, and food which is what I've done for over a year as a catering server. We've had a lot worse situations when I was a caterer too so this was nothing to me. We sat the tour group first, than allowed regular guests go in at the few tables we had opened. The waiting list for lunch grew so long so fast it was crazy, but I breezed right through it and everyone was happy. My boss called me into the kitchen and said I was doing so damn well that he let me eat one of the extra lunch dishes that had fresh rice, green beans, and trout! The food at the restaurant is quite pricey but is always delicious, and it was even more delicious since I got it free. I was so happy that I even had the biggest smile on my face. I sort of devoured the food to quickly though because it gave me a pretty bad stomach ache, but it was too good not to eat fast. I was just so confused by how proud my boss and co-workers of me for hosting breakfast/lunch...it's literally the easiest thing I've ever done. Apparently the other hostesses just suck that much? I have no idea, but it was great. After I got off my shift I went straight to my sisters and am spending the weekend with her.
Overall, it's been a great week full of travel and good vibes.

13.6.14

Happiness Found

So, yesterday I was feeling like complete crap and was just completely hateful towards everyone at work and at the dorm. It all happened after I thought a boy here wanted to seek out a relationship with me but he said he was actually just wanting to bang me like I'm some soulless girl without a care of being used for such an act. It made me sick to my stomach because I realized that's how everyone here must see me as. I was quiet and bitter towards everyone at work, and my co-workers had been gossiping at the idea of me wanting to transfer to another position. Doesn't sound like a big deal but it almost seemed like my co-workers wanted me to leave so that their friend could get my position or something stupid. My bosses were even told about how I thought about moving to another position and they weren't happy about it because they want me to stay with them, which I will. One of my bosses noticed something was bugging me and had invited me to go out on a walk with him. He promised not to ask any questions, but it was so bizarre because the things he was telling me was spot on with how I was feeling.
In the Slavic culture I was raised in, we were always taught to be dependent on each other. That's why we don't move out until we get married because first you become dependent on your parents (and they will provide) and then when you get married, you become dependent on your spouse. There's really no point of independence unless you temporarily move for college. So I've always been stuck in this mind set of putting someone before me, taking care of them and trying to make them happy because that's what made me happy. For many years I've been this way, but it wasn't only until the talk with my boss that I realized I had been doing it wrong this whole time.
I care too much about how people are and I think that's what effects me so much. The way most people view each other and life in general makes me mad, but why should I care? As long as I don't get involved with their beliefs or just them overall, I'm fine.
The number one thing everyone needs to learn is to be happy with themselves, that doesn't involve other people in your life. I'm not saying be selfish by banging around with no care for how the other person feels because only your own happiness matters...which is how everyone in this damn dorm is. Life doesn't begin when you're in a relationship or when you get married, it begins the day you were born. Happiness is found in multiple ways, it just all depends on the person to find what makes them happy.
It's tough living with people who've been raised with no good morals even if they seem like good people. I can't relate with anyone because of their lack of understanding with almost everything. I really want to make friends here but it's almost impossible because you're either a friend with benefits or nothing. In the end, screw everyone here. Going hiking, thinking about how God created this beautiful world, and doing my own thing is enough to make me happy.

12.6.14

24hrs of Non-Stop Fun (& other stuffs)

So, after my shift at work, I gathered my things and went to Umpqua Hot Springs. I haven't been to the hot springs in a while. My parents would go all the time year around but I was just never a fan of sitting in hot water out in the open (until now that is) because that's all I ever did as a kid. Me and my co-workers left late at night and as we were driving, we noticed a small pick up truck got stuck in the ditch. Surprisingly my co-workers knew the young couple from out of town. We were the only ones who had driven by since an hour prior to when they got stuck. Fortunately with 4 guys they managed to push the small pick-up out of the ditch which was awesome. We continued on our way to the hot springs and I have to admit, it's one of the coolest hot springs I've ever seen. There are little hot pools dug up on the side of this hill that went down to the river. I really want to go during the daytime so I could see it a lot better than night, but one thing is it's known for all the nudist. I've never been out somewhere with nude people but fortunately there wasn't anyone there, and my co-workers kept their shorts on. As for me, let's just say, it felt so nice being shirtless in a hot spring in the dark. Two of the guys that came with us, it was their very first time in a hot spring. It was crazy to me because they're in their late 20's-early 30's! The first time I went to a hot spring I was probably 2 years old and went every year.  We got back to our dorm at 03:30 and had to wake up in 5 hours for our next adventure. It was brutal.
This isn't my photo (got it from Google) but this is Umpqua Hot Springs in the daytime. We got to soak under that little roof :3

Once we woke up, we headed to Rouge River in Shady Cove, OR for some water rafting! I have never gone rafting before so I was extremely nervous and scared, but it was a Class 1 rafting meaning it's so easy to do that a bunch of 15 year old kids could do it themselves. The rafting I've seen on TV was always so extreme (Class 4-5) but this was nothing compared to that. It was a lot of fun and we'd always make pit stops to swim in the water and get our tan on. Afterwards we ate at a Mexican restaurant that gave me the biggest tummy ache ever as good as the food was. Then we went to Rouge Valley Mall in Medford, OR which I haven't been to in years. The first time I've been there was with my sister and all I remembered was how big and nice the mall was, but how so little people were ever there. It still remains that way, and I wounder how the mall is still in business with having so little customers. I've mentioned this many times before but after being stuck on a mountain for days, it feels so nice to do normal white people things like go to the mall and drink Starbucks. I want to revisit their mall once we get paid so I could do some proper shopping.

*This next paragraph is a bit explicit, just a heads up.*
The more I'm getting to know the guys and girls in and around the dorm, the more they make me sick. As the days go by I start to think that I want to be in a relationship again, but the way these people view others is disturbing. They just view each other as sex objects and fuck buddies (which is beyond me) because we're only here for a couple months. I grew up believing and being taught that you shall only commit to one person and that things take time, but everyone here believes that there's no such thing as commitment and that there is no such thing as taking time. It's ridiculous the amount of guys here who just want to bang me only because I'm 'cute', not because they actually want to seek anything more beyond that. There are married couples here who have met working at another park for this company, so there is such thing as finding true love here rather than a temporary bang buddy. There's so much to do out here like hiking and exploring but most of these kids didn't have that growing up and are only used to staying indoors causing trouble, but that's what makes you go crazy. Being here for more than 7 days starts to make me go crazy so I have to go out and do something to replenish my soul and mind. I never thought this would be a poisonous environment to live in because it's out in nature. It really sucks but all I can do is avoid these troubled people and pray I make it out alive.

7.6.14

Stubborn and Prideful

So, my mum had called me and told me that my aunt, uncle, and all their children in Slovyansk have fled to Kiev because a bomb had landed in their backyard causing the windows to shatter, half the roof to collapse, and spraining my cousins arm. I still have two other aunt and uncles, and a few cousins in Slovyansk who have been given the opportunity to flee the city, but they don't want to because it's the only place they can call home. After she told me that, I went to sleep and remembered walking down the dirt roads where my grandmother lived before she passed. A ton of peach and plum trees growing along the sides of the roads, with birds flying and stray dogs playing. Everything was green, sunny, and fresh, everyone always said hello to one another and helped each other out. I would always laugh and enjoy playing with my grandmothers dog Rex...but now it's a dark place.
Since the war began, there is no electricity or water throughout the whole city. Everyone is hiding in their torn down homes from all the bombs. No more sunshine, only a dark gloomy cloud caused by smoke from fire. The green plants are dead because there is no water to provide to them. I began to sob in my sleep, for over an hour. I remember when the protest first began in Southern Ukraine, I told myself that if my family were to get hurt I would be outraged, in which I am and it hurts. It hurts that I can't do anything about it but pray. It hurts that my other family members won't leave the war zone because of their own stupidity to stay there. Ukrainians are stubborn and prideful people, but if people are dying because of it, it would be stupid Not to flee. I remember always watching WWII documentaries and movies in history class, but I never ever imagined that I would have to suffer the same pain those people did knowing that their family was getting hurt in war for ridiculous reasons. I could never forgive Russia or Putin for manipulating Eastern Ukraine for having this 'option' to pick a side, because now it has destroyed the only place my family had. I will be outraged if anyone refers me as "Russian" again because now I see them as only being filthy Nazi's. If any Russian tells me what is going on there is for the best, I will spit in their face. I am never an angry child, but when my family gets hurt by anyone, I'm sure anyone could understand how upsetting it is.
I ask that you may pray for my family there, and that they will survive.

I don't even know.

So, after my shift off work I quickly changed and headed off to my sisters. I've said this many times but being stuck on a mountain living in a dorm with your co-workers almost feels like prison. I have been watching Orange is the new Black and can relate a lot to how it's like living in small rooms and eating stale food. It always feels like a breath of fresh air leaving and coming to my sisters, I'm so fortunate to be able to drive to her cause she lives an hour away. The next day I ran quite a bit of errands! I bought quite a bit of stuff I needed, including an awesome mini fridge I bought on craigslist. It was a lot bigger than I thought because it took me a while to get it in my car, but I managed to squeeze it into the front seat which unfortunately damaged a bit of my car door but it's so old that I don't care anymore. When I went to Wal-Mart, I crossed the parking lot and this guy almost runs me over in his massive pick up truck. He revved his truck at me a few times and I thought it was hilarious. About 10 minutes later he, who's name is Don, finds me in the store and starts to hit me up. He was a very tall buff redneck, compared to the short scrony guy he was standing next to. I asked if they were brothers but apparently they are both adopted. I noticed Don holding diapers and so I asked if he has a kid, to which he said yes. Single dads are a big turn off for me. He gave me his number but I have not written him, nor will I ever. People in Klamath Falls are actually very decent, the girls here are actually pretty beautiful to my surprise considering it's a hick town. As unattractive as Don was to me, men like him here are wealthy because they own farms and do good business. The best part of being here is that I'm a stranger to everyone, which is how I'd like to remain everywhere.
I spend a lot my time on the swings in the park across the street. I don't know why I love swings so much, I just love the rocking motion. I always loved being rocked as a toddler, and sitting on rocking chairs. I remember how much I loved going on a cruise to Hawaii because the ship would rock which many people disliked, but it put me to sleep quick. Swinging on a swing just helps me forget everything, feeling the breeze blowing through my hair and my feet swaying about. It always makes me feel like a child which I love. I wish we had swings where I live but it'd be ridiculous how much I'd go on it.
This whole week my mum has been calling me to take a job offer where my dad works. It consists of building electronics together in a factory style room while everyone sits around the table together wearing lab coats. Sounds like every Chinese sweatshop I know. I declined the offer, because no way in hell do I want to go back to my hometown or to hick town Albany where this job is. My mum kept telling me that I will be homeless if I don't take the job because it pays $15 an hour, who even knows if I'd get the job or not. All she ever lectures to me about is money, which is surprising because she never taught me how to manage money before I left. The only thing she taught me is that I'd be homeless without money, which is pretty obvious to everyone. I think the saddest part about these lectures she's been giving me for days is that it all only has to do with money...I understand money makes the world go around, but I'm not willing to work in a sweatshop for the rest of my life. I'm a firm believer that working is one of the biggest parts of your life (not as big as believing in Jesus though), so you should do something that makes you happy no matter the pay. My parents will never understand that though because they were raised to believe that you only aim to get the highest paying job whether you like it or not.
For now, I'm just focusing my time on where I'm at right now and not worrying about any other job until the time comes.

3.6.14

Exploring the Grounds

So, things have been going quite alright lately. Well, we had our first arrest in our dorm for someone causing too much trouble. Apparently it's something we ought to get used to cause it's a common thing every Summer? As long as I'm not involved, I'm totally fine by it. I decided to stay at Crater Lake on my weekend off just so that I would explore the area a little more and I sure did a lot of it!
Day 1 I went to the HR office to get something done that had been requested by them but long story short they screwed up as always so they can screw themselves. I had lunch at the second restaurant we have here which is on the bottom of the hill right at the main entrance. Employees get %20 off and their Bacon Burger is to die for! Afterwards I hiked up Garfield which is a fairly big mountain/hill. The view from the top was incredible, it brought a tear to my eye. You were able to see the curvy roads that went up to the lake, and the lodge looked so tiny. You were also able to see Mt.Shasta and never ending hills of forests. It's sceneries like that, that make me think of how God had made all this. I prayed for a bit and felt like Moses on top of a mountain with the most amazing view ever. It was absolutely awesome, and to treat myself I bought myself a cheesecake at the main lodge where I work. It was delicious and so filling even though it's quite pricey and there's no employee discount there. I was definitely satisfied with what I had done that whole day.
Day 2 I wasn't sure what to do. Everyone was at work and the dorm was quiet and lonely. I had some lunch at the employee dining room and remember a co-worker of mine saying that he always jogs down to the main entrance of the lake...which is a 7 mile long strip of road. I thought to myself "Well if he can do it, than so can I." So I put on my jogging clothes and Nikes and began my jog down the road. Once you begin, there's no going back because the roads are so steep that it'd be really hard to walk back up considering the elevation. I jogged halfway but had to stop because I was cramping really bad since I was putting so much pressure on my body in such elevation and steepness of the road. I walked the rest of the 4 miles and let me tell you, it was the longest walk of my life because the roads weren't curvy anymore, they were just going straight across. Once I hit mile 6, my back and leg were in extreme pain. I felt like crying and just giving up, wanting to hitch a ride the rest of the way. I couldn't give up though, I had gone so far and it would have been silly to give up even though I was in so much pain. I told myself to keep going and though it continued to feel like forever, I finally made it to the main entrance. I swear it was the longest 2 hour jog/walk of life, 7 miles all together. I took the employee shuttle back up and was quite proud of myself for pulling such a stunt. I'm not sure how my co-worker jogs the whole way down but it truly is a journey. Once I got back up I relaxed for a moment as people were asking where I was, and I would say I walked to Mazama (bottom of the hill) and that I didn't know why. People were shocked, but were proud of me too.
Overall, I did quite a bit of exploring!
I don't want to sound like I'm bragging but ever since I came here, I've been getting an abundant amount of compliments, it's overwhelming. So many people compliment the way I do my eye makeup and how adorable my haircut is, or just that I'm overall beautiful? To me it's strange. When I look in the mirror, all I see is flaws. But it's little things that people, especially strangers, who tell me I have beautiful eyes or whatever that really makes my day.
I also formed a slight crush on one of my co-workers, but am trying to hold back from the feeling because we are only here for a few months and he's got quite a naughty reputation like me. Naughty+Naughty=Extremely Dangerous.
One day at work, I was extremely tired and just not happy at all. Everyone kept pointing out at how different I looked when I was sad/serious. It reminded me of when I worked at Willamette University, when my co-workers always noticed something was wrong with me and would try to cheer me up. I truly miss my old co-workers at the University, I would go back just to be with them but at the same time the stress that comes with that job isn't really worth it. Also, one lad I know had been tickling me all morning which is one of my biggest pet-peeves, because I get extremely paranoid by anyones touch after. The worst part was that it continued at work, as all my co-workers would poke and tickle me. At the end of my shift, one co-worker poked my sides and I began to cry. I cried because I was fed up of being tickled because I despise it. I hate that it makes you laugh but comes with extreme pain as well. I hate being constantly poked around and touched in general, it's extremely uncomfortable to me.
So yea....