Names Alesa.21.I speak my mind,therefore there are no boundaries.I am a distraught child,so I might offend you unknowingly.At the same time,I am very caring when I should not be.Cheers.


What does Blessing really even mean?

So, I've always woundered what does it mean to be blessed or receive a blessing? When I think of blessings, I think of how a guy would go to the girls parents to receive their blessing to marry her...but what if they say no? I've known a few marriages that fell apart when they didn't receive a blessing from the parents, but I've also seen marriages fall apart when they did receive a blessing from the parents. Would you say your blessed because you have your dream job, or to have any job? They say having a child is a blessing, but what if that child completely ruined the parents' lives? I'm not sure if there was a point in my life where I felt completely blessed, but deep down I know that I have been blessed my whole life without realizing it. I've been blessed to be given life, as much as I dislike it. I've been blessed to be given a chance to go to heaven, even though there are days when I don't feel like I'll make it. I feel like either this word is often misused and/or misunderstood...

Job Hunting & Haunted Basements

So, today I finally got to spend some quality time in downtown Portland (Pioneer Square district to be exact). During my time in Crater Lake, all I had dreamt of was sitting back at Starbucks at the square and people watching. It was so nice to finally get to do that especially on such a nice hot sunny day. I didn't go just to hang out though, I had dropped off quite a few resumes to the surrounding hotels. My cousin had moved to Hillsboro and suggested I applied around her area and wherever else. I applied to a lot of places and though downtown Portland is kind of a stretch, it's a lot closer to Hillsboro than Salem so I figured why not give it a shot. If I do happen to land a job I'd get to stay at her place for the time being until I'd save enough to move out. Of course all the hotels still wanted me to apply online as well but the main purpose of dropping off a resume is to simply put a face along side the application. I walked into one asking if the manager was in and they said "No,it's a Holiday?" and I was about to say "There's no such thing as holidays in the hospitality & tourism industry, you should know that." but avoided saying that. Most didn't sound like they had any open positions, but one did and it happens to be with the most cutest front desk lad I've ever met! He had gorgeous blue eyes, was really nice and quite tall, cept he looked a lot like this guy I dated which is both good and bad. After I dropped off all the resumes I had with me, I lounged around a bit and then dropped by this Irish Pub called Kell's that everyone kept telling me about. They have an underground cigar lounge which was a billion times better than the one in Salem cause you were actually allowed to have drinks. I was by myself for the most part downstairs, taking white girl selfies and checking out the old rustic room, when than a large tour group came in. The first words that came from the tour guy was "This used to be part of the underground tunnels here in Portland, where illegal stuff used to go on. Also, this room is very much haunted. We've had many past and current employees witness unusual things going on in here." He went on about what people had witnessed and it freaked me out! I was puffing on my cigar like it was the end of the world, quickly looking through the selfies that I took to see if I saw anything strange in them. I don't believe in ghosts, but that really got me uncomfortable. Will I go back to that place? Sure! As long as there are other people in the room instead of just me. My time was coming to an end so I headed back to Salem and visited one of my girl friends and caught up on life. Overall my day was pretty good!


Oregon State Fair 2014 (& other things)

So, I wasn't planning on leaving my sisters anytime soon but my friends kept asking for me to come back (again). As much as I love my friends, I still really need to focus on my problems right now rather than others. I had dreaded coming back but the main reason I came was cause I had a date to the state fair! I was so ecstatic, I had never looked forward to going to the fair in my life. Once I met up with my date though, things didn't plan as I had hoped for. We ended up doing other things which was fine, but I was really bummed by it. I really like this guy but with our current situations, I can't expect anything which in reality breaks my heart. For once I like someone and I can't have them, I guess the saying that You Can't Have Everything You Want is true. I met up with friends that night and it was honestly really good to see them. One of them gave me a free admission ticket to the fair so I went next myself for the 3rd year in a row. I like dressing up for the fair in something really cute but comfortable as well. I got so many compliments on my dress it was ridiculous. Of course I did the typical thing, starting off by looking at all the animals and petting the sheep. Then I roamed the artisan stands and on to the expo center. I was really looking forward to going to the beer garden for the first time but they didn't have it this year! So I went to the lottery building and was looking forward to playing some slot machines but apparently they're only demo slot machines, none of them took or gave money. It was still fun getting to play knowing that none of my money was being used, but I had won so many times that I wish it were real. I continued walking around and checking out all the booths, including the Army booth in which the recruiter was hitting on me (Thirsty much?). I played one game where you had to shoot off the red star on the paper, completely failed it. That was really about it...
Afterwards I went to the Air National Guard recruiter to reschedule my ASVAB appointment. The positions they have are far more cooler than the ones they have in the Army NA, the only problem is their bases. They only have a base in Klamath Falls, Astoria, and Portland. The positions I want are only available in Klamath Falls and I would absolutely hate to live there for 8 years. They have those positions in Portland too but there's little to no chance of me getting in there because they are booked. I want to be close to my church and to be close to Portland in general, I just can't seem to let it go unless I were to move to Toronto. I'm at a stage in my life where I completely have No Idea what I'm doing with myself, so I'm sort of taking anything I could get. At the same time I don't want to do that because I might do something I'll regret (like enlisting in the military). Everyone tells me that it's normal at my age to be completely lost but to me it's not normal, in the culture I was raised it's not considered normal. I always have to be on the go and doing something but I don't even know where to start anymore. One airline has already told me that they decided to interview other people instead of me for Flight Attending and that alone already made me lose all hope. I worked so hard to build my resume to become a Flight Attendant and I can't even get an interview for one. I visited my buddy who recently got married and to simply hang out with him and his wife, it made me sad. I want to be married already but who knows if or when that will ever happen. I can't even find a guy who could stay with me for more than 3 months let alone a lifetime. Everything just sucks and I've been crying for days. I simply hate not knowing what the hell is going on.


Visiting Crater Lake

So, because my enlistment in the Army on Tuesday had been canceled, I booked it to Klamath Falls to visit my sister and to get away from my parents and Salem overall already. I was originally going to take the train because I missed train traveling but my sister wanted me to drive her car over, so I took advantage of it and decided to stop by a place I once called home. I was ecstatic to see and visit Crater Lake again because I had missed driving on the long empty winding roads through the forest, and I missed the few people I worked with who were still there. Everyone was surprised to see me when I popped into the lodge and the first thing on my mind were how much I wanted their mussels! Many of my co-workers and all my managers had left after I did, so it definitely didn't feel the same. I still got to see many familiar faces that I truly missed though, and whom I've felt really bad for considering the bed bug/housing situation still hadn't been fixed. The new restaurant manager who was a waiter when I worked there, told me that I could put a uniform on and start that same hour because I was still in their system. I knew they were desperate for workers, and I almost thought about taking him up on the offer but I knew I was going to regret it. Working 75hrs a week with no lunch breaks and no proper place to sleep? No thanks. I visited the dorm and was still shocked that they hadn't got rid of all the bedbugs yet (it's been almost a month!). It broke my heart when I stepped inside there. This place that was once full of people from all different backgrounds and lifestyles, was now empty and a complete mess. Trash looks like it hadn't been taken out in weeks. %90 of the rooms were vacated, with furniture and crap scattered about, it seriously looked like an abandoned mental institute. I wanted to cry but held back the tears because most of the people who stayed, chose to stay (others simply have no where else to go). There's some people there who claim that those who quit were weak but I can say now that they weren't weak, living in an inhumane environment doesn't make you weak, and living in an inhumane environment through the end does not make you strong. Nothing could describe how terrible it was for upper management and corporate to not do anything about any of the problems that had happened there. I hate talking about it so moving on! My ex-managers had been camping out somewhere and I only had one piece of evidence as to where they were, so I went on a search for them about 30 minutes out of the lake. To my surprise, I found their campground in one trip without getting lost or looping around. Unfortunately there wasn't anyone there, no cell phone service, and worst part was I had paper but no pen to leave a note! I had to get creative, so I ripped pieces of paper to spell out my ex-bosses name and left a bag of peaches. I was debating if I just wanted to head to my sisters or go back to Crater Lake and spend the night and I figured since I got this far I ought to spend a little more time at Crater Lake. Fortunately my mates room was one of the few that didn't have bed bugs so I stayed there, and this guy we all called Uncle John because he's an old man that cusses like a sailor, played me guitar and made me laugh for hours. There's something about someone playing me guitar or piano that makes me forget all the problems around me. After he left I took an hour nap and my mate came from work along with others and we all just kicked it. I really really reallllly missed seeing the milky way, and how dark and quiet it was outside. Coming home to Salem after my time in Crater Lake, everything seemed so much brighter at night, there were barely any stars, and everything was just so loud. There's tons of people, tons of cars, hearing Interstate-5 traffic from my window at night, and the train horns, it sucks a lot. It was extremely cold that night and I pretty much got no sleep, and worst part was we had to get up super early because everyone had to vacate the dorm that morning even if you didn't have bed bugs cause they were going to chemically treat the whole place. My mate helped me carry my fridge from the attic that I left behind when I quit because it wouldn't fit in my car, but since I had my sisters SUV I had to take it before it was too late. It was a really good thing I took it too because apparently later that evening, the fire sprinkler system went off in the dorm so everyone was scrambling to get all their bags out of there. So bizarre. I had breakfast with my mate at the lodge and then I departed. I drove to the campsite where my ex-managers were staying at again and this time I brought a pen just in case I had to leave a note, but I spotted a car! I walked towards the campsite and said "Hellooo,anyone home?" and someone replied with "Yea,Hello?Alesa is that you!" and to my surprise it was one of my co-workers whom I thought I'd never see again because apparently he had quit too. He came out of his tent and we hugged, sat on lawn chairs, and caught up on life. It was barely noon and he said the others weren't going to come until 6pm, and I wasn't sure I wanted to wait that long but I decided to take a nap in my ex-bosses tent to kill some time. I shouldn't even consider it a nap because I slept for 6 flippin hours! That's what happens when I don't sleep all night, and something about camping in the woods makes you feel so much more relaxed. About an hour later my ex-boss finally came and it was great to see him. We had a campfire which was prohibited because the fire danger in Southern Oregon is extreme right now so all campfires weren't allowed, but we didn't give a crap because we were freezing. They wanted me to spend the night and so I did, even though all I had was a thin (extremely warm) wool blanket but fortunately the others had pitched in some more blankets for me. I slept in my ex-bosses tent which was...nice.
Story goes, I always had a crush on my boss ever since we started working there. Of course, because he was my boss, there was no way in hell anything was going to happen because I respected his position. I mean, in almost all work places, relationships between co-workers and bosses are frowned upon if not prohibited. I told him (on FB) how I felt after we both had quit and to my surprise he wasn't happy that I hadn't told him earlier because he would of pursued the relationship. At the same time, he didn't believe I was telling the truth even though I made myself clear. And to have come 4 hours down to see him before he left on a long road-trip, pretty much proved my point that I was telling the truth. Getting to spend the night with him, beat every wasted moment I had regretfully spent with other guys at Crater Lake. It was special, and I won't forget it. I had a very good feeling he was going to ask me to run away with him and he did, but I couldn't at this time because I don't have enough saved up for such a thing. If I did have a few thousand dollars in the bank though, who knows where I'd be right now...
The next morning, they all packed to get ready for their long road trips through Cali and through other states, and I was getting ready to go to my sisters. I was really sad to see them go, but I have a good feeling we'll cross paths in the future again. I pray that I do.
This is probably the clearest river I've ever seen at the campground!


Foster Lake,Church Moves,& Army Fail.

So, on Saturday I went to my buddies birthday in Foster Lake. I literally haven't been there in so many years that I got lost trying to find it and kept looping around the lake. Neither of my friends were able to make it so I went alone, and wasn't planning on staying for long because I sort of felt that it would be awkward. I knew a lot of people there but I'm not extremely close to anyone especially since I was the only pentecostal girl there so of course I wasn't related to anyone either. I got pretty comfortable with everyone quickly though especially since some people were from my youth group that I knew, and I also met quite a few new girls I never thought I'd ever talk to. We all played volleyball, swam together, and lounged around on blankets for hours. It was a really good time and I was really happy that I went even if I had gone alone. I also dropped by the Momiji's Restaurant in Lebanon which was opened by the people who worked at the Momiji's in Salem that I was close with. Apparently I was their 3rd customer from Salem to visit, and they opened in May! It's a lot nicer and different than the one in Salem, but more chill and calm which I wasn't used to. It was still a good time.
On Sunday I finally got a chance to go to my church in Portland and was super excited. Of course the drive felt so long because I hadn't gone in so long, but I finally arrived and felt that something was off? There were a lot of cars in the parking lot which is normal when there's American service going on, but there was a ton of cars! I had never parked so far from the front door in my life, but fortunately I had worn pants and regular shoes so I didn't have to walk like a dinosaur in heels all the way to the front door. As I walked in, I felt something completely off. Most of the furniture had been gone, there were no Americans, the coffee stand had been stripped away, there was weird old school Russian singing from the hall speakers, and a bunch of Russians standing around in the hall that I didn't recognize at all. I walked up to look inside the main room and it was packed to the brim with fob conservative Russians. I was really confused, and felt so out of place because they were those type that forbid girls to wear pants in church...and I was wearing pants. I quickly looked around and approached these young handsome fellow fob guys who were surprisingly very nice, and asked them who they were, where they came from, and if my church service was after theirs? They said they were Slavic New Hope church, and that the building was officially theirs. I became more confused than I already was, until one of them said "The bank took this building away from you guys." I thought he was joking and laughed, but he was serious. Apparently the American service which was the biggest service we had and ran mostly all the events at the church weren't paying the bank or couldn't afford to pay anymore so the bank took the building back, which in turn left the Slavic and Spanish service out as well. I was speechless at that point, they gave me the address to the new location and I quickly left. My heart broke in two, I had so many good memories in that building and now I could never return to it again. I went to the new location which was even further away but once I got there, I realized it was only the American service that was there. Where in the world was my church!? Why hadn't anyone told me they moved!? What's going on!? I quickly looked through Facebook and finally found the location of where the Slavic service had moved to, and it's now in SE Portland in a much smaller brighter building. It felt really crammed and so unusual. You go from a huge church with theater seats that was always dark, had a huge stage with lots of spot lights and flashing lights, to a small bright bland church with a tiny stage. In the end we're fortunate to even be given another building to have service in, but it just felt weird. Service was actually very good and it made everyone feel something we never felt before, like an actual New Beginning in a new home. In the end it felt really good.
The night before, I was thinking a lot about how I was 48hrs away from enlisting in the Army National Guard. I watched a lot of basic training videos and it frightened me to death. It's seriously hell on earth, but only for 10 weeks and everyone who had finished it felt better than ever which motivated me to just go for it. I had prayed to God, crying, not knowing what I was putting myself through and where my life was going. I asked whether I should really join the Army, and that I needed an answer quick because time was running out fast. If He wasn't going to answer, I was simply going to enlist and pray that He would be by my side at least. Even during church, I kept praying about Him keeping me safe in the military if I were to be deployed and just the whole thing in general. As I was driving home, my recruiter tells me unfortunate news. The position I was going to enlist in had apparently been taken a while ago, and that they hadn't updated that until now. So pretty much if I were to enlist, I would have been stuck doing something completely different in a whole other city or worse. I couldn't believe it, did God really answer my prayer or? I was really looking forward to being an Airport Operator in my hometown of Salem,OR and getting my flight school paid for, but I wasn't looking forward to basic training and being deployed overseas for a few years. I simply could not believe it. All I want is to be with airplanes as an Airport Operator or ATC but apparently I can't even do that through the military. I'm bummed because now I'm back to the starting line Again, not sure what to do besides look for a full time job anywhere. It's nice knowing I don't have to get rapped by the government for 8 years yet, but if the job that I applied for will become available in the area again, I'd take it a lot faster than I did before.
Patience is key at this point.


MEPS...and hot tall buff guys in camo.

So, the day had come where I'd be going to MEPS overnight in Portland to test for the military. The day before I read ASVAB for Dummies from front to back which is what everyone reads before they take the test. I learned a lot from that book, and it helped refresh my memory a lot about algebra. In High School and College, algebra was a pain but the book made it so much more simple and easy to understand! I regret not reading Algebra for Dummies while I was in school even though I had (barely) passed and finally finished with school. Even though I learned and memorized a lot from the book, I still have trouble taking tests no matter what. In school I always aced my homework assignments but always did horrible at tests for who knows what reason. I figured I had all that I needed down for the ASVAB but once the time came I simply knew the worst was yet to come. My recruiter texted me the morning of the test day asking if I was ready and I simply answered No but I still wanted to give it a shot to see if I could pull it off. The highest score you could get is 99 and I was aiming for 70 or higher because that's what the Air Force wants and simply because you could get better jobs in other Armed Forces. I was going to be really disappointed with a 55 or lower. I had thought I would be driven in a van with other applicants and I brought my ASVAB for Dummies book with me to study on the way there, but surprisingly I was the only applicant going and ended up driving with my recruiter instead so I didn't get a chance to study the book (I was too busy making fun of the silly uniform he was wearing). Once we arrived the first thing I noticed were how so many guys there were! All of them about my age, I thought they were all waiting to take the test but they were actually all being shipped to basic training. To see their families cry really broke my heart, but I was focusing on getting checked in and taking the test. The test began and I thought I did pretty well for the most part, but my final score told me otherwise. My heart sunk to the ground because when I looked at my score, I saw a big fat F for Failure. I was seriously hoping I was looking at the wrong number but it was pretty clear that I got a 44. I would have actually been happy with a 55 at that point but it was too late. I literally just wanted to walk out of the place and be like "peace out" but I was stuck alone and had to stay at the hotel and continue with the other half of testing.
We stayed at the Shariton Inn right next to the airport which was awesome especially since I got a view of the runway! To get to watch big airplanes ride past, land, and lift off just yards away from my window was amazing. The sound of it roaring past and above while I was sleeping always made me smile. It made me sad at the same time because with the score I got on the ASVAB, I knew I wasn't going to get to work with airplanes.
We were all given a voucher for dinner downstairs at the restaurant and were sat with other applicants. I sat next to this guy who has his GED, got a 85 on the test, and was being shipped to basic training the next morning to become an Air Traffic Control for the Air Force. He got what I wanted even without a college degree, and it made me really jealous. The other guy I was sitting with only has his High School Diploma, got a 70 on the test, and is going in the Army which is really lame in my opinion considering he got such a good score. There were about 30 guys and 3 other girls in the group who were all between the ages of 17 and 22, but half of them were being shipped to training the next morning and the other half (including myself) were continuing to test for the military. The girl who was in the same hotel room as me also only has her High School Diploma, got a 98 on the test, and is enlisting to be an Aviation Mechanic for the Air Force. I almost cried, I was so embarrassed. I hate when people always tell me that I'm smart and I always respond with "No I'm not" cause it's true. I didn't understand how they got it so easy and I didn't.
The next morning we had to get up at 5am, eat breakfast and head back to MEPS for medical testing. It was pretty brutal at first because they were really strict on us but that was just to give us an idea of how it's going to be like if we were to go into training. One guy though, damn, he looked like a tall G.I. Joe/Channing Tatum and was super hot...made me sweat even without running. I don't know why when I picture guys shirtless in camo pants it makes me hot and bothered. Maybe cause Eastern European guys dress like that all the time and I've grown to be that attracted to it. Moving on! The medical testing took quite some time, but during that time I made some buddies who were really cool. After the medical process (which I surprisingly did great in and passed), people continue to enlist in the job they want and make an oath but because I was dissatisfied with my score and want to retake it, I ended up going home earlier because the rest would be unnecessary for me to do at that time. My recruiter came to pick me up and I was actually really sad to say bye to the few I made friends with because I knew I wouldn't see any of them again. I surprisingly had a really good time there, but it truly felt like you were in the Hunger Games. You stay at a nice hotel, get fed really nice food, have fun hanging out with others (just like in the movie where they take that luxurious train to indulge every minute of before the games). Then if you're being shipped, you arrive in Hell where you have to fight everyday to survive and hope you make it out alive. Fortunately I don't get shipped (yet that is) but coming back home still sucks just as much.
When we came back to my recruiters office, I was (I think he was too) surprised that I actually had been qualified for the one job I wanted which is an Aviation Operation Specialist. I couldn't believe it because I had failed the test, but I guess there was a part I did fairly well in that made me qualify for that job. I couldn't help but genuinely smile for once. The other good news was that there was an opening in Salem,OR so I wouldn't have to move anywhere insanely far. The only downside is that this is with the Army National Guard so I'd be working more with ugly helicopters when really I want to work with big airplanes. So I'm going to talk to the Air National Guard to see if I qualify for anything that I like and if I don't, I'd wait to retake the test.
Of course, my parents completely oppose the idea of me joining the National Guard because they think it's stupid that it's only one weekend a month, (possibly) really low pay, and I wouldn't get any benefits, but the only one benefit I want and need is simply the experience. The experience of working with planes, being an airport operator, and being a slave to the government is fair enough for me.
I mean, I really have no idea why I keep going back to the military when it's really not something I've ever thought about doing or even want to do, but I'm so oddly drawn to it? So many people tell me not to do it at all, while others tell me to do it. It's at a point where I have to decide for myself because I keep getting so many random opinions from everyone else that has left me in confusion as to whether or not I want to do it or not, but I know I have little to no time to decide so I have to choose quickly. We'll see!


Getting Worse

So, I want to drive back to Crater Lake already as bizarre as that sounds. At this point I don't mind living in a tent than living with my parents who have been giving me crap (specifically my mum) since I came back which is unbearable after what I had gone through. At Crater Lake I felt important, everyone always told me how smart, beautiful, and hard working I was on a daily basis. At home, I'm told how lazy, immature, and how not smart I am by my own mother.
I spoke to a National Guard recruiter who really cracked me up. Of course many remember when I spoke to an Air Force recruiter and they were honest about how miserable it was and that I had a better future for myself because I had an associates degree. It took me a while to realize what they really meant. They prefer unemployed high school dropouts because they don't have a future, and the likely hood of them dying in battle is pretty up there. If they got out alive though, they were able to get their school paid for. Where as people with degrees and a job (even if it's a minimum wage job), we have a future in the real world that doesn't need assistance from the military. Air National Guard is far different than the Air Force though, I would at least stay in Oregon and only have to work for them one weekend a month rather than everyday until I died. I honestly have no idea why I keep going back to the military because I don't want to represent America at all or want to commit so much time to it, but I know it's an easy way into working with airplanes which is all I freaking want. Who knew it'd be this hard! I still have to pass the physical and the ASVAB test which I have a good feeling I'll fail, but only time will tell.
Besides that, I've been applying to a lot of jobs and am searching for a place to move into which is a lot harder than I thought. I want to move asap while I have the time and money to do so, but some places want you to have a job already (in Portland) where as other places aren't the greatest (Coast). It really blows.
I haven't even seen any of my friends since I got back last week. There was someone whom I've sort of known, who asked to be my friend? I sort of kept pushing him away because I didn't trust him and didn't want to tell him anything personal about myself because he goes to a church where gossip spreads like wild fire, and everyone there knows all the dirt on all the Slavics in town that they don't even personally know. But one day when we had coffee a while back, he shared some deep personal things with me and it made me think why not give him a chance. Many people are comfortable telling me their personal problems they have or had gone through because I'm simply a comfortable person to talk to, which apparently is rare. Like I mentioned in a previous post, everyone wants a piece of me but I only give my all to one or a very few people.
Right now I'm just disliking life, feeling lost, wanting to be alone, and want to get a move on with work and moving out again already.


Day After

So, this post is just in regards to all the good memories I had the past 3 months working at Crater Lake and how it sort of changed my life.
Growing up I was never hit on by guys or was told how beautiful I was, until I got to the dorm. All the guys wanted me and I was extremely flattered by it. The sad part was that it took me a while to realize that I was only a fine piece of meat to them instead of someone they actually wanted to be with. This was my main struggle during the time I lived there. I felt consistently used but at the same time I gave them what they wanted because I kept hoping that perhaps they would come to their senses that they would want me as more than a friend...but that never changed. There were a very few who did seek out a relationship with me, but by the time I found that out, it was simply poor timing. It's hard to believe that I went from no one wanting me, to everyone wanting me, and now being back to no one wanting me again. At the same time I feel like I've escaped from this thing that kept me down and it's good to finally get away from it. I do miss having the ability to be able to cuddle with whoever I wanted in the dorm every night though, it was the best way and only time I had to bond with my friends.
So.Much.Booze.I won't forget the night I threw up after drinking almost a whole bottle of Goldshlager, and drinking all those Dead Guy Ales and Hard Ciders as well as that nasty Busche all the typical white guys would drink. I'm a pretty giggly person, but I learned that alcohol in my system made me even more giggly and louder than I already was. I don't think I ever want to drink to the point where I slur my words again.
Considering this was my first time moving out, I had no idea what kind of clothes or how much clothes to bring with me. So I pretty much stuffed half my closet in a big box because it's better to have more than less right? Wrong! I probably brought the most clothes than everyone else and I was completely embarrassed by it. I ended up sending 1/4 of it back home and still not even getting a chance to wear half the stuff I brought because you're in your work uniform %80 of the time, and %15 of the time you're just wearing pajamas. It really sucked because since I was the last roommate to move in our room, I didn't have a drawer or closet of any sort so I literally had to live out of a box. It always sucked digging for a shirt on the bottom of the box or whatever it was that I was looking for in the middle of the dark night. It made me understand how Flight Attendants live day by day out of a suitcase, and it definitely taught me to pack way less than I did. When I got home and opened my closet and drawers, my head started to hurt a lot. At the dorm I felt like I had way too much clothes out of this big box, but now I come home to even more clothes that I probably won't ever wear again so I got rid of All of it. The clothes I had in my box were things I began to cherish a little more than the stuff at home because I was away for 3 months. It really taught me that less is more.
One thing I'll dearly miss is the Umqua Hot Springs, I really loved that place and wanted to go there a lot more but time had run out which is sad. I also miss living only an hour away from my sisters and going to her place almost every weekend. I just miss Southern Oregon in general, it's a lot different than the Willamette Valley for sure. I don't know if I'd ever move to Southern Oregon since the only main cities they have are Medford and Klamath Falls which aren't the greatest, but they are still unique. I still have visions of me driving through the long winding roads through the forest, looking at all the big mountains and hills across the distance. It was simply beautiful.
The start of the season was tough because there were a lot of love/hate relationships and so much drama, that it completely ruined Crater Lake and its beauty for me. Like I mentioned before, it's the people that make the place what it is and because there was always so much negativity, it wasn't a beautiful place anymore. Now when I see pictures of Crater Lake, I just cringe. At the same time I still feel like I'm just here for a couple days then going back to work at the lodge, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's all over.
The moment I left I bawled my eyes out, it made it so much harder driving through the winding roads along the lake. I eventually cheered up a bit, but once I got home I bawled again. What really broke me down was how everyone kept telling me not leave them, and that it'd all be ok, but I still left. I left everyone behind to be miserable on their own instead of me staying there to be the one to tell them it was going to be ok when I knew that it wasn't going to be ok. I let many people down by quitting, and that's what really breaks my heart. I'm still really sensitive right now, my mum asked me if I was glad to be back home and I cried. I'm definitely not glad to be back home, but at the same time it feels like I've never left. Everything just happened so fast.
The main reason I was aiming to stay until the end was to possibly work there in the winter. All I wanted to do was work at Crater Lake in the winter, surrounded by walls of snow and a small group of people to whom I would have shared the experience with. The downside was that only people with seniority or who have done an amazing job were able to work in the winter, so I had to prove to them that I was an amazing worker. Funny how instead of that I ended up just quitting all together. We would get these things called Xtrodinary cards if you did something good, in which you were able to turn in to possibly win a prize. I got 4 all together, the first one I got was on my 2nd day at Crater Lake from the General Manager for noticing his name tag upside down across the room. I got one for helping out three different restaurant positions at the same time. One for passing health inspections in the kitchen (everyone got one cause we all helped out). And one for going above and beyond to make a specific milkshake on my own for a guest. I'd say I did pretty damn well.
One thing that really pissed me off was when my friends would always snapchat me their Dutch Bros. or Starbucks coffee drinks. They don't even realize how lucky they were to have everything available to them, including all this coffee they were buying everyday. Being stuck on a mountain, there was no Starbucks or Walmart 5 minutes away. Everything was a day trip and you had to spend a lot of extra time at all these places. It made me appreciate the little things more like a White Chocolate Mocha. It's not something I could just easily buy like it's no big deal, it makes me think how lucky I am to even be able to go anywhere now with my car, my money, and in a short amount of time. Being stuck on a mountain has made me so much more thankful. I was thankful for having the opportunity to work and live in Crater Lake, as miserable as it was. I'm thankful for all the crazy people I've met and shared this miserable experience with. I'm simply thankful now.

The End to Crater Lake

So, Friday morning I was having a good day at work...until I got a call from the manager saying I had bed bugs in my room. It was funny because the first week we were there, there also had been bed bugs but fortunately not in our room. This time we were less fortunate, and had to get enough belongings to last us for a few days until they got it cleared. Fortunately I was going to my sisters for the weekend that night so I didn't have to worry about moving to another room temporarily. As my shift was coming to an end, someone behind me says "Hey" and when I turned around, I saw that it was my cousin from Washington! I was so ecstatic to see him! I took him on a little hike to get a better view of Crater Lake, which was in fact his first time there. We both went to my sisters and it was such a blast because more of my cousins and friends from Salem had come for the weekend to visit. We all went to Lake of the Woods which was too fun, the next day we all did our own activities and I went to a pottery place with my friend to paint some cool things. It's always such a blessing to be around my friends and family. As always, our time came to an end. They left back to Salem on Sunday and I went back to Crater Lake on Monday morning before work. I was hoping our room would have been cleared of the bugs since it had been 3 days since they appeared, but I got even worse news. I asked the dorm coordinator what the situation was and her response was "Well, how do I tell you this. I'm told the guys who are suppose to clean your room are going to come tonight but I'm not sure if that will happen. Either way it could be a long process. The main problem is, there are no more spare rooms, or even a spare bed/mattress for you...I'm sorry." Long story short, I was homeless for the time being. I'm paying $8.50 a day for a room I'm vacated from as well as paying for having no where to sleep. Of course all the guys in the dorm offered me to bunk with them but, my time there was done. Over the weekend I had talked to my cousins about what was going on and how we lived day by day and it was simply inhumane. A week ago the employees had gone on strike for the way they were being treated with work and living conditions. I didn't go to the protest because I was fine with how things were going for me, but I finally realized that the reason why I was fine was because I got used to being treated like a piece of crap by HR basically. Once I heard those words that I was on my own when it came to finding somewhere to stay, I simply said "Ok, I know a place...back home to Salem." I went to my room, not caring whether it was infested with bed bugs or not, to take all my stuff out. I open the door when then my jaw dropped. There was nothing in the room, not even my fridge. Apparently they had bagged all our stuff in big blue bags and stored it in the attic, so I had to carry all my stuff down 3 stories from the attic to my car which took multiple trips. The worst part was that some of my stuff had broke and some got mixed in with my other room mates stuff, including my wad of cash from tips that I still have no idea where it is. They also didn't bother to seal my salt or sugar boxes so it spilled all inside the bag, it was complete chaos. I was appalled what they had done with our stuff, just to get our room cleared which would probably take over a week.
I remember the first day there, I had to wait 8hrs in the same room with one other girl for the HR lady to process our paper work which she didn't do until the last hour. The HR lady made it hell for me and everyone else since day one. Even as I came to unregister myself from the system, she laughed that I was leaving because I said I was tired of how things were going in the dorm especially my situation. The environment itself was bad for me in general, I was making a lot of bad decisions. I grew up always being controlled by my mum but now that I was free, I lost control of myself and got myself in a lot of crap. I was tired of it reeking of weed in the halls all the time. I was tired of getting drunk and embarrassing myself in front of everyone. I was tired of getting booty calls all the time. I was tired of all the drama. I was tired of all the stress at work. I was simply tired, and being told I had no bed to rest was enough for me to leave. It always surprised me though how many co-workers would tell me that I was too good to be working there, and that I was one of the best workers they had. It really made me feel like I was making a difference, but at the same time it made me think that if I'm really too good, than why don't I aim bigger? Most of the people there have completely ruined Crater Lake for me though, because it's the people who really make the place what it is. I just want to do a shout out to everyone I had known or worked with at Crater Lake:
Eduardo-You were the first guy I became friends with.I'll never forget the first day I arrived at the dorm and was running so hard up the hill to see the lake for the first time before the sunset.You told me not to worry about it cause I'll be seeing it everyday and that the beauty of it will die off, which was unfortunately true. I'll miss all your dirty jokes and your gangster Mexican attitude.
Jenna-You were the first person I actually got to know when we first arrived. It was nice sitting with you for 8hrs in Mazama, as miserable as it was.
Eric-You were an asshole, but a funny one too.
Travis-I thank you for going on a walk with me that one night, and offering to be my friend. I also thank you again for seeing that I'm more than just a pretty face. I really wish I had more time to get to know you, and it was a pleasure having you as my assistant manager.
Jesse-I will never forget when we laughed our asses off when I smiled with chocolate all over my teeth. You are always full of light and laughter and I will dearly miss your company.
Tom-You will always be my Dirty Frenchman, I will miss hitting on you and making old man jokes at you. I will never forget your gorgeous blue eyes and your buff arms *rawr*
Robyn-It was a pleasure having you as a room mate, though you would sometimes startle me in my sleep with your bursts of laughter, I will still miss them as well as miss you.
Damian-Your booty shakes always made me uncomfortable, but at the same time you were always such a goofball which I will miss for sure. Thanks for making all my drinks!
Ashley-You can take all your ex-girlfriend problems, all your boy problems, your rodent, and shove them up your ass. We had a big love/hate relationship but in the end I dreaded having you as a room mate because you would always cry over something. I may be weak, but to be that weak all the time is not normal.
Chris (with them gauges,have to be specific cause there are a billion Chris's in the damn place)-I wish I got to get to know you more. You were the only one who tried so hard to be in a relationship with me and I wish I gave it a shot if I could. I loved teasing you and calling you daddy, it always made my day.
Neztor-It's funny how one day you went from begin a stranger I asked to help carry my fridge into my room, to someone whom I had fallen in like with. I'll miss making funny and dirty faces at you at work. I'll miss your kisses and all your hugs. I'll miss seeing you at all times of the day, and poking you. I'll miss you a lot.
George-Boiii!! I'll miss saying that to you, you were the coolest dude around. I wish the best of luck to you at your new job even though it's with Andy who's a noob.
Russell-I could drool over you all day. I won't forget the time we lounged on my cozy bed, had some beers, and joked for ever. As Eduardo would say, "CHECAGO!!"
Cherice-Girl you are mighty fine.It was always a pleasure talking to you...and making you drink my Goldshlager.
Stacy (HR Lady)- You are the Devil. 'Nough said.
Ryan-Sorry for calling you Brian many times,they just sound so similar! I know we've fought a lot, and been in odd situations, and I've said this before but thank you for always being there for me. I won't forget the time we sat outside when it was snowing in June (or was it July?). As well as always kicking it in your room and watch you fail at video games...kidding of course! I hope we cross paths in the near future mate.
Osvaldo-Ryan taught me how to pronounce your name right! I never got a chance to tell you this but you have the most adorable smile ever (please don't kill me Sarah). I wish the best of luck to you and....OH HIII!

Eamonn-The first time I was told that my supervisor was named Eamonn,I pictured a short Indian guy with a heavy accent but instead, you were a short typical American dude with a baby face. I will never forget all those walks we had together at night, getting to know you more as we sat on the ledge of Crater Lake looking for shooting stars. You had taught me a lot in regards to finding happiness and avoiding trouble. You have a gorgeous smile that I won't forget and I did mean it when I said you were the best boss I ever had. I recall you telling me that you didn't want to lose me as your employee, which is why I said I was sorry that I had failed you because I chose to leave instead of staying for you. This was my first time ever failing at sticking to my word when I say that I'm reliable. I am truly sorry. I hope you get married soon because any woman would be lucky to have you.


Bad Spirits & Tough Love

So, just a random update I suppose. There has been a lot going on at work, like many people transferring to different positions including myself. Cocktail waitressing is one of the top positions anyone and everyone wants to have, and I was fortunate for it to be easily handed to me, but I officially gave up on it. I didn't care that I was making +$100 in tips a day, I was miserable and tired all the time because of the lack of staff we had for that position. I was fed up sweating all day and never having any time off in the day. It was just sleep and work, sleep and work. I was tired of fainting after work too because of my lack of iron. In the end, my health has become more important to me than the money. I had transferred to be a host, which can also be a tough job, but at least it doesn't require me to run around like a maniac. Hosting deals with a lot more technical issues, which I'm actually looking forward to dealing with. There have been a lot of other problems going on around in different departments, and it sort of made me think about something someone had told me once. There's a girl there who is a Klamath Native, who's relatives work at the park too. She told me that Crater Lake isn't meant for people to stay at for a long period of time. This is because the Klamath Natives found the lake first, but was claimed by another American (like Americans always do to Native Americans). To the Klamath Natives, it's a spiritual place that belonged to them but had been taken away and is now infested with tourist and workers. Ever since more and more people had begun to to show up this Summer, there have been a lot of work issues happening, workers passing out, tourist going crazy, all this weird bizarre stuff and I do believe that it's because the place isn't meant for us to stay at. Of course, as a Christian, I don't believe in all the weird spiritual stuff Native Americans do, but I do believe there are bad spirits out there.
Another thing that has been brought up to me many times is how well I do at every job I'm put at. Cocktail waitressing, bussing, hosting, anything, I'm great at without even trying. Sad thing is, it's not that I'm great at it, it's just everyone else makes it more difficult than it is or simply can't do it. Everyone wants me working in their department it's funny but unfortunately I have to let them all down because it's not something of my interest. My bosses always seem to make sure I don't plan on quitting because I stay true to my word when I say I'm reliable...
How is the love life being stuck on a mountain you might wondering, well, I do still have a crush on the same guy even though he's made it clear that it'll never happen. There's someone else who really likes me though, and is a lot different than the other guys (in a really good way) so we've been spending time together. Like I mentioned before, relationships are almost never formed at these parks cause we all know we depart at one point. Unless you're extremely committed than you'll move to the same park as your partner, or to another city if you plan on taking a break from the park life. Of course you have little to no options being stuck on a mountain, but you make the most with what you can whether that just means hanging out with someone or actually settling down with someone if it's meant to be. We don't have much time on the mountain, but that doesn't mean you should rush into any sort of relationship. No matter where you are or what situation you're in, you should always be patient with someone and just enjoy the moment with them rather than worry about what will happen in the future. Simple as that.
Also: my boobs grew bigger and I hate it. I thought they stopped growing in your mid teen years but man, that's a myth. I hate it because now all my bras cut off my circulation and I Hate bra shopping. They're all, voluptuous now? Definitely one of the down sides of being a girl. *giggles*


Days Spent Well

So, I finally got two days off after working seven brutal days in a row.
Day 1: I went to the hot springs but this time I went during the daytime. I had been there multiple times already but only at night which made me more curious as to how it looked like in the light. It looks so much more beautiful in the daylight because you can actually see all the tubs and all the salt in the water. I went to the very bottom tub on the bottom of the cliff which would have been impossible to get to at night. The lower you go, the colder the tub is and because it was warm out, I needed a colder tub. The one I went into was big and just the perfect temperature. These are nude springs and I was a bit nervous because it wasn't nighttime so people could see you, but I honestly did not give a crap. I stripped all the way and enjoyed every minute of it. It aint only little toddlers who enjoy being naked all the time, but us adults too. When I first came, there weren't many people, but more and more had begun to show up. There was a small group of people from Klamath Falls who joined me because there weren't any other tubs open, but they were all dressed. They were too shy to strip down which I totally understand. They also got a picture with me (no you couldn't see any of my parts in case you're wondering) because they wanted to prove to their friends that they hung out with a naked person like they had hoped for. I thought it was great, and they went about their way. I got so comfortable being naked in front of other naked people, it's almost as if you didn't even notice that none of us had clothes on. I absolutely loved it. I'm such a hippy at heart, and meeting other hippies there just felt so good. I had a grand time! Afterwards I went back to lodge to enjoy some mussels and a good cocktail. There was this young lad sitting by me and I hit up a conversation with him. He happened to be doing a road trip around America with his dog. It was so fascinating to hear where he had been and where he planned on going to next. He said he found a spot at Crater Lake to camp at, and I figured why not join him. I hadn't gone camping this Summer yet and I live in a freaking forest! It was such a good time, and his big dog was a lot of fun to play with. It made me want to buy a tent and go camping on my days off instead of going to my sisters all the time.
Day 2: I went rafting which was awesome. Yes I went by myself but I still enjoyed every minute of it. Last time I went, I went with a group of guys who did all the rowing on a big raft but this time it was just me on a long skinny raft. I was a bit nervous at first thinking I couldn't do it but it was a lot easier than I thought. I had made a couple pit stops to do some swimming and what not. For some reason it felt like forever getting to the finish point. It literally took me 3 hours to get through it all and by the 2nd hour I was just done. I got a great tan out of it though which was what I was aiming for. Afterwards I went to Medford to look for a tent which was quite the fail, but I ended up buying other unnecessary stuff. I wanted to get back to the lodge to have some mussels but only had an hour before they closed, and it takes an hour from Medford to get to Crater Lake. I was speeding like no other, I'm surprised I didn't get pulled over or hit any deer. I made it just in the knick of time and had myself some good ol' mussels.
These past two days had been a lot of fun and definitely brought my mood back up a lot after what I had gone through earlier. I love that I can have so much fun just by being by myself.
Here are some photos from my adventures!

Break Down

So, my parents had finally came to visit me. Unfortunately I wasn't given the weekend off as I requested to spend time with them, because someone else had beat me to it. So I just had to spend the little time off I had in between work shifts with them. The night they came we went to the hot springs which was a super chill time as always. We drove all the way back to Klamath Falls where they were staying with my sister, and had to wake back up in a few hours to go back to Crater Lake cause they were going on a boat tour and I had to get back to work. My mum had left me some of her home made crepes cause I said I had been craving them since I came here. She also gave me a huge bucket of hand picked blueberries, and bought me a couple avocados. I was so happy! After they had left, my world somehow turned upside down. I took a bite of the crepe and completely broke down crying. It was really bad timing too because I had to get to work, and on my way there I still had tears running down my face. Once I got there, I finally relaxed but once I stepped out in the lodge, I broke down again. I ran to the bathroom but along the way all my co-workers and my boss saw how terrible I looked. I've never cried that hard in my life, it looked as if I had lost someone dear to me. I sobbed in the bathroom for a while but finally got myself together and went back up. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong but it only made things worse, especially since I couldn't explain the situation to them because none of them would understand. My boss had called me to see him and asked what was wrong. Reality hit me, that's what was wrong.
I didn't realize how much I'd miss my parents after they left, it was that bad. Not only that but I feel like I've let them down a huge ton. They expected me to be married by 18 and moved out with a handsome Ukrainian devil, have a proper career by now, and having their grandchildren already. That's what we're raised to believe and do, and yet I've strayed away from that. I gave Slavic kids my age hope that you don't have to wait until marriage to move out, but it's a really unusual, hard feeling especially since all you knew your whole life was dependency rather than independence. Of course my parents don't hate me for doing what I do, but I know they aren't too proud either. My parents have never been proud of the stuff I did besides my art work, which they were wanting to pay for me to go to Art Institute of Portland which I quickly turned down. They've done so much for me and I'm very fortunate to have parents like them, but I don't feel deserving at all of their love, time, and money put in me because of how little I returned to them. Of course I wish I could go back and change the way things were, but I know that even if I did that, I wouldn't be happy. I enjoy living in Southern Oregon, on a beautiful mountain, but it's definitely tough. Who knew that my first time moving out from my parents would be out in the middle of no where. I thought having solitude would help but instead it's just making me go crazy and doing regretful things. I don't ever want to move back with my parents, I just wish I wasn't raised to be dependent on them all the time. It's very tough, but it's getting a little bit better as the days go by.